Let Me In

Overview:  Things don't look too bright for Owen in his middle-school universe.  Bullies give him some killer wedgies, flush his hair in the poop machine, and call him names like "nose picker" and "poopie maggie".  OK that's a lie, these bullies make "The Children of the Corn" look like saints.  His life continues to look bleak until he meets the girl of his 12-year old dreams, who just so happens to be depressed for no reason, and dresses like a bankrupt hippie who couldn't afford a pair of Chuck Taylor's at Payless.  As it turns out she isn't really depressed, instead she's a soulless Vampire who travels around with her oddly affectionate dad.  Together with Owen they share a forbidden/cute romantic friendship that rivals those glittery vampires from "Twilight".

The Good:  Although I have not read the book, I did indeed see the original Swedish version titled, "Let The Right One In", and I'll probably be the first one to say "Let Me In" is 10 times better than the original.  Its not that I have anything against Swedish people, heck, I married one of their daughters.  What I didn't like about the original is the lack of artistic direction.  "Let Me In" succeeds in being very artistic, and is close to being like the "Pan's Labrynth" of vampire flicks.  Director Matt Reeves stunned the world with his "Blair Witch" styled monster flick "Cloverfield", which succeeded in making everyone in the theater throw up their pizza all over the seats.  After recovering from the 2-year seizure, "Let Me In" was well worth the wait.  Unlike most Horror films, this movie actually makes a very good drama as well, and the acting from Chloe Moretz as the vampire who never hit puberty is superb.  The acting from everyone else in the movie is great, but their all human, and we now live in a world where no one (especially awkward teens) cares about humans, its all about the supernatural disturbed (or glittery hunks, if your gender curious or a teenage girl).
P.S. I think the poster looks awesome by the way.

The Bad:  Bullies suck, and this one is full with 12-year old bullies who look as if they eat testosterone pills for breakfast, and then watch "Casino" for lunch;  These little freaks need to get their butts to church or Oprah.  For a vampire movie there sure isn't enough vampire violence for my taste.  I'm one of those guys who wants vampires ripping people apart, and then bathe in their blood afterwards while washing their hair with Herbal Essences.  There is vampire violence, but it's no "30 Days of Night".  Other than than that, this movie is shear perfection, just like 2 McDoubles at McDonald's for $2.

The Ugly:  The world is greatly lacking some original Horror films lately, and instead we like to remake worthless crap like Michael Bay's version of "Friday the 13th".  Although "Let Me In" is a remake, it's definitely a breath of fresh air, and is most likely to make you cry like a hopeless romantic... about as much as it will scare you like Sarah Jessica Parker's face.

5 out of 5

Friends with Benefits

Overview: Dylan, and Jamie have just gotten out of crappy relationships, and since it was such a traumatic experience for them, they’ve sworn off intimate relationships forever… well nature says otherwise yaw big dummies; especially since one of you is hot, and the other was the front runner of the gender-curious band NSYNC.  After an in-depth two minute conversation, the two decide to have emotionless sex with each other, and this way they don’t have to put themselves into a situation where they could get hurt.  Seriously, what were they thinking? Have they never seen “When Harry Met Sally” before?  It’s only a matter of time before they start caring for each other and that “aint no lie baby bye bye bye!” (I’m going to have a hard time not making fun of that boy band).

The Good:  I can only imagine what was going on between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis on the set of “Black Swan”.  In order to be secure with their own sexual identities, these two actresses decided to make two chick-flick movies based around the same idea; the idea being emotionless sex-buddies inevitably falling in love.  After falling head over Chuck Taylors (I’m a dude, ergo I don’t wear heels) with “No Strings Attached”, I didn’t really have much hopes for this ironically similar movie, but alas I was wrong once again, just like I was wrong about all Chinese restaurants being healthy; I think the toilet and I need a time out.  This is a very funny movie that, unlike “No Strings…” has far more comedy in it, and gives the audience a chance to laugh at the stupid decisions these people make even more.  I loved how the movie is not what you expect.  When watching the trailer I’m sure everyone thought this was going to be a raunchy-comedy exclusive, but it proved to be more than that (like the pain in my buttocks was actually crohns);  “Friends with Benefits” actually teaches some pretty good lessons on what makes a relationship a good one.

The Bad:  C and I are not that picky when it comes to dialogue in a romance movie, as a matter of fact we love it when the ubber cheesy crap comes out, but there were a small handful of parts in this movie that I thought to myself “David Hasselhoff is actually a good singer”, then I thought “Even the Kraft’s Macaroni Dinosaur couldn’t bring the cheese back into this flick”.  The other beef I had with this movie is purely a personal issue.  I miss the good old days where at the butt of everyone’s jokes, there was still enough room to make fun of NSYNC for an hour, like how they possibly painted each others nails and mostly likely cuddled together.  Well lately Justin Timberlake (the heart throb) has been winning me over with his funny SNL skits, his performance in “Social Network”, and his funny-role in this movie as well as “Bad Teacher”.  How is this bad you ask?  Let’s just say I’m running out of people to make fun of now that Justin’s out of the picture, because Rosie O’Donell is getting old, and Lindsey Lohan is downright pathetic.  I guess I can make fun of the NSYNC guy who never made a name for himself, and ironically I can’t remember his name, all I remember is he had brades and beads in his hair, probably put there by Justin. 

The Ugly:  Well this movie surely isn’t ugly, as a matter of fact it’s got too attractive people as the leading characters.  Set aside what you actually might think about this movie and give it a chance, because you’ll find it to be more than just a comedy; you’ll find it to be the “Schindler’s List” of romantic comedies… ok that may be pushing it, but you get my point.

3 out of 5

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Series

Overview:  Lisbeth Salander is one messed up chick.  She has way too many piercings, dresses like an emo 12-year old, questions her sexuality more than Clay Aiken, and has a (pretty awesome) tattoo of a Dragon on her back.  Although it’s a trilogy, it’s basically one movie, and so I’m going to review all of them at once.  In an attempt not to confuse anyone, I’m going to give as little of the storyline that my ADHD mind will allow.  Lisbeth is a computer hacker who’s history is scared by being sexually assaulted by pervy old men, and she’s considered a menace to society, although I don’t think her attire is helping her case.  She crosses paths with a magazine editor named Mikael Blomkvist, and together they help each other out in significant ways, and embark on morbid versions of “chip and dale’s rescue ranger’s” quests; I’ll stop here so I don’t end up shoving my stinky foot in my mouth, because that crap is gross.

The Good:  I’m sure a bunch of whiney High School tweens are all over these movies, and I’m not talking about the “Twilight” losers.  I’m talking about those kids who think their lives are so tough, their parents are out to get them, and they gather together to listen to Marilyn Manson because he knows their pain.  Although I’m not one of those kids (I just so happened to love my life), I did think these movies were very artistic, and in different ways.  The entire film had this Godfather/Andy Warhol/Horror feel to it, and maybe it was how Lisbeth dressed, but regardless it looked awesome.  The other way these movies were artistic is because they flaunt Sweden like an 8-year old redhead does his boogers.  Even though the story is dark, you can’t help but think “wouldn’t it be nice to visit Sweden one day”, and then something bad happens on screen and you think “Screw that!!”  The acting by Noomi Rapace and Michael Nyqvist is so phenomenal, that it makes me afraid the American remake won’t bring in actors that have the same chemistry. 

The Bad:  I haven’t read the books so I can’t say much, but I don’t think the filmmakers though too much about keeping the dark mood consistent in all three movies.  First we find out Lisbeth has a tattoo, and we see her crack a Sherlock Holmes case from Hell.  Next our little Pyro decides to play with fire, aka she tries to find out who’s plotting against her.  And lastly we see her kick a massive Hornet’s nest of thugs trying to keep her behind bars.  The problem is these movies are so different.  The first one plays out like “Seven” or “Red Dragon”, the second is like an interesting episode of “Law and Order”, and the third one is like the ending to “The Majestic”.  Each movie is good, but it gives you whiplash because the series changes styles to much, like Elton John’s wardrobe during a concert. 

The Ugly:  Viewer’s discretion is advised for this trippy/morbid series, because it’s definitely not for the faint hearted.  This is the king of all movies when it comes to showing how bad sexual violence is, so this is definitely not everybody's trilogy.  These are very good films though, and beneath all that tattooed exterior there are some good messages to behold, and then there is probably just flesh and bones… too logical? Well shove it.  Just make sure that when you’re finished watching these movies, turn on an episode of “Wonder Pets” or “Dora the Explorer” to bring happiness and love back into your lives.

4 out of 5

Who needs a “Spiderman” reboot?

Good Old Days:  I remember the good old days when I was 7, where eating fun-dip candies, stealing Bazooka gum, and having a movie remade 3 decades after the original was normal.  We live in a different world now, where reality TV screws up the minds of younger generations, Bazooka is still being stolen by 7 year olds, and movies are being remade only a couple years after the originals; the olden days were better, but I don’t steal gum anymore. 

God Bless you Sam Raimi:  As a simple Scottish-Mormon living in the upper-middle class of San Francisco my life was filled with many exciting things, and one of those was the first “Spiderman” movie.  I LOVED THAT FILM!  It may have been a bit cheesier than other comic book adaptations, but that’s exactly what the comic was like.  Sam Raimi brought his B-Movie agenda/rub, applied it to the comic-book brisket, and then slow roasted it till the perfect tenderness and taste was reached (you must forgive me, C and I have been watching the “Food Network”).  Following the first film were two sequels, and even those movies were not that bad.  “Spiderman 2” was even better than the first one, by emphasizing the conflict between Peter Parker and Spiderman even more.  Excusing parts of “Spiderman 3” (which I liked by the way), that was a solid summer flick that was still fun to watch, and it brought the trilogy to an agreeable conclusion.  All should be fine in Spidey’s world right?  Well apparently not, because my Spidey senses are tingling but not in a good way, this is more like an itch.

Hollywood you’ve done it again:  What in the name of Oprah Whinfrey is going on in Hollywood right now?  It’s been roughly 3-4 years since the last “Spiderman” movie and they’re already doing a reboot?  I can see this being a good thing if the previous 3 films were utter failures, BUT THEY WEREN’T!  Someone once said to me, and I quote “They’re making a reboot because the last films weren’t good enough.”  Oh really?  Because what I remembered about those films is that they were some of the biggest blockbuster hits of ALL TIME, and each and every one of them (yes that includes the 3^rd one) received rave review from critics and audiences alike.  This is a dangereous move on Hollywood’s part.

Why what I say means nothing:  People are going to see this movie anyways, because their curiosity will get the best of them, just like the cat’s right before being put in the washing machine.  There is no doubt this movie will be successful, but there is also a high chance of it being forgettable.  This premature reboot would have been received with open arms in about 20 years, but since it’s only been a couple years it’ll just sound like the same old song that no one cares about… like the “With arms wide open” song by Creed.

Moving sucks in the Internet world

Alas, C and I are finally out of crap-bloomington, lol just kidding we love the place.  Since we've moved we haven't had internet for a while, and it will be that way until some massive giant with a beer-gut installs it in over a week.  It's a good thing i'll be coming to the library periodically to update ya'll on recent films that i've seen.
Hugs and Kisses from me!!
-A

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules

Overview:  Our favorite middle-school pib-squeak (Greg) feels he’s ready for a new year, and there couldn’t possibly be any more changes… At least until he reaches twelve; then your body starts to change and looks more like Chewbacca.   Like every other middle child in the world, he realizes that his older sibling is possessed by the Devil and has an objective to beat the living crap out of him.  Sparks almost fly when Greg meets the love of his middle-school life, but will his brother allow such cheesy affection?

The Good:  Everyone who’s human would agree that middle-school is a living Hell, and only the lucky droidish-preps enjoyed it.  When C and I saw the first “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” we were amazed of how realistic it was, like we actually felt all the pain Greg was going through… well maybe we were just laughing at him, but I know we felt something right?  Every character is funny and there isn’t a single bad actor in this movie, but C and I would have to agree our favorite is the fat little red-head named Rowley.  This beefy child is the light of my life, the onions to my liver, the crohns to my intestine, and the Hermione to my Ron.  Everything this kid does was hilarious, and even when he’s not doing anything you can’t help but laugh because he’s so realistic and comfortable with himself.  Last but not least, you have to admire the nerdy red-head with Harry Potter glasses because he’s so awkward in everything he does, and if you add a leash then you would see me as a child.

The Bad:  Honestly for the first time I can’t think of anything bad about this movie… I could say something about the teenage romance, but then I’d be repeating myself from the “Beastly” review and that stuff doesn’t really apply to this movie.  This is more like a bunch of pre-teens being attracted to each other and they don’t even know what it is they’re attracted to, for all they know it could be each other’s nose hair that’s making them feel all cuddly inside.

The Ugly:  The “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” series is perfect for normal families, for very dysfunctional families I’d recommend something like “American Pie” or “Rambo”.  People of all ages can get something from this movie.  Teenagers will finally think to themselves “Finally! These Hollywood Butt-munchers get me!”, and adults will say “Glad we’re not stuck in that limbo anymore eh?”

5 out of 5

Beastly

Overview:  Oh teenage puppy love, how disgusting it is.  Kyle is a filthy rich guy that gets away with his fame and his looks without ever having to lift a finger; he always he gets what he wants.  Like an idiot he made the decision to peeve off the wrong witch (aka, one of the crack head Olsen twins), and ever since he rubbed that lamp the wrong way, he was cursed to look like “The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo”.  He’ll continue to look like a drag queen until he can get someone to love him for who he is, which honestly shouldn’t be that difficult. All he has to do is present himself in a dark alleyway and the gothic chicks will be all over him.

The Good:  There are some very good plot points in the movie, and the story is simple enough that a goldfish can understand it.  Despite being ubber cheesy, there was actually some good acting going on, particularly (and I’m going to shoot myself in the crohns for saying this) from Vanessa Hudgens, and Alex Pettyfer, the selfish hunk from “I am Number Four”.  The best part of this movie would be my dear friend Neil Patrick Harris, who plays as Kyle‘s blind tutor, and he plays him with the sweet pickled relish.  It’s as if Mr Harris knows how embarrassing this movie can get, and so he spends a vast majority of his time on screen laughing at it.  Maybe it’s the 12-yearold red-headed stepchild within me, but I’m a sucker for (SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT) happy endings, and this movie provides… unlike the crappy service that COMCAST gives.

The Bad:  Mary-Kate Olsen.  Every time she was on screen I wanted to jump across the theater room and punch the living daylights out of her… wow that sounded violent… um, I wanted burn my copy of “Billboard Dad”.  Her hair was ridonculious!  It was as if Lady Gaga and Snookie had a yard sale, and Mary Kate had first dibs on the poofy wigs.  The one last thing that almost killed me can’t be helped, and that was the teenage romance.  I am under the impression that (leaving rich people aside) there is nothing worse than watching teenagers date and fall in love in a movie, because it can get SO awkward that you would assume you’re watching a Horror movie.

The Ugly:  It may sound sorta like I didn’t enjoy this movie, but the truth is I was probably more into it then C was; I can still have myself a painful good time.  I definitly think all teenagers should see this movie, and take notes, because this is like the ideal teenage-romantic movie.

2 ½ out of 5

Bridesmaids

Overview:  Life is pretty dang shabby for Annie, considering the fact that her bakery store sunked during the recession, no one loves her, and she lives with two British roommates that look like those people you'd see on "Hoarders".  As if things couldn't get any worse, Annie's BFF Lillian is getting married to a stud-muffin and she was asked to be the Maid of Honor, now it's going to get crazy all up in here!

The Good:  Much like "Horrible Bosses" C and I laughed all the way through, and I think I may have had an accident, but for my reputation's sake i'm going to blame it on the popcorn butter leaking all over.  The entire cast was SO funny with Kristen Wiig as the lead, but the person who stole practically EVERY scene was Melissa McCarthy.  In real life I'm sure she's a very pretty woman that you would want to hug about as much as the Easter Bunny, but in this movie she's made to be so disgusting that you end up loosing all faith in humanity, and almost end up jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.  In every scene she would come up with the most random tomboyish lines, that you'll no doubt be quoting for days.  It takes a lot for me to say this, but someone else who deserves some praise is Chris O'Dowd, who plays as Kristen Wiig's lover.  I don't think very many people heard of this man, but he had a breakthrough role in this one.  His main talent in this movie was not only making fun of cops, but also lightening the mood when Annie's life became a bit too chaotic.  I said it took a lot for me to say something about him, because just the other night I had a frightening Nightmare and he was in it!  I'm not going to discuss the details because it will scare me, but i'm sure there are some of you out there who already know.

The Bad:  When I said this movie made me laugh all the way through I was mostly right.  There was a part during the climax of the movie where it wasn't "as" funny because they were trying to get all the emotional stuff out of the way, that way it could be a legitimate movie.  Really there was nothing I thought was bad about this movie, and the only reason I gave the previous statement was to bring at least some "con" into the review.

The Ugly:  Other than Melissa McCarthy's hilariuosly disgusting character, the movie isn't that ugly.  For those fo you who have lost your faith in chick-flicks, fret no more, because this movie will make you squeal like a pig about to enter the slaughter house (I assume they're excited); you won't have to worry about seeing Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan making out somewhere onscreen, and I sing praises every day for that.

4 out of 5

Slither

Overview:  Some of this is going to sound like my review of “Invasion”, but I swear on my crohns, and all my merit badges from scouts that it’s almost completely different.  A wormy alien falls from the sky in the form of a meteor, and once it possesses the body of an incredibly built man, it gives birth to millions of tiny worm critters who infect the town residents one by one.  Once the worms get inside the people, they turn into genuine made-in-china zombies.  Sounds like “Invasion” right? 

The Good:  Just like the Poke’ Mon fad, I went through a zombie obsessed phase for about a year, and that time Pikachu was not at my side… stupid rat.  This was a very different and original approach to the zombie theme, and it actually INCREASED my faith that there are still original zombie movies out there.  What I liked is how the filmmakers were able to combine “Evolution”, “Invasion”, and “Zombieland” into one beautiful offspring of a movie; just like if Brad Pitt and George Clooney had a baby.  Nathan Fillion makes me happy no matter what he’s in, but in this movie he sparkled like Edward’s chest.  Not that any of the scenes need saving, but whenever the movie started to slow down a bit, Nathan would come in with some sound or comment that would always make me laugh; kudos to you Nate.  Elizabeth Banks was also very good, even though her accent made me want to punch her a couple of times, that punch would be followed with “I could never hurt you… now read me a bedtime story”. 

The Bad:  I don’t know what it was, but there were times during this flick that it felt like a straight to DVD movie.  The Production values were good, the graphics were awesome, and the actors were very famous, so I think the only reason it felt so ‘straight-to-DVD’ is because it’s another zombie-comedy (and those are very common).  One last thing is the movie can get pretty gross, after all it is a B-movie, and whenever a Horror film claims the “B-Movie” status they can do pretty much whatever they want.  So fairly be warned, this movie might not suit certain people.

The Ugly:  I had a lot of fun with this.  It’s an original zombie story, which is a breath of fresh air, since every zombie movie is identical to “Dawn of the Dead”.  Go have fun with this movie, and remember we hate aliens.

3 out of 5

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II

Overview: It's show time!  Voldemort and Harry want a piece of each other, and they want it bad... almost like two High School students, except in a bad/violent/sadistic way.  After several people died, Harry Pothead and his band of losers end up making a stand against Voldemort and his posse within the walls of Hog's warts.  Is it just me, or did Harry even ask why Voldemort was mad in the first place?  Either he was upset that he never got that nose job done, or he was just frustrated that his name was compared to the F-word.

The Good:  I was a little nervous about this series ending, because it meant that they had to make one heck-of-a-flick for the finale.  Alas, they were able to pull a rabbit out of there butts, and present us with an extrememly emotional and actionpacked fun-fest.  I am one of those people that never read the books, because I just never got into them, but the movies are a bunch of little gems.  Terrific acting all around, especially from our beloved Alan Rickman when he (SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT) Runs off with Dumbeldore into the sunset of love... Just kidding he dies.  You have to hand it to all the young kids, who after 8 movies have become really good at acting, especially Daniel Radcliffe since he's now into the Broadway scene.  That actually got me a little mad, because knowing Daniel Radcliffe is that good at singing and dancing makes me struggle to make fun of him.  One last thing I loved about this movie is how great it makes red-heads look.  We all know Ron Weasley is a loser, but seeing him succeed at kicking butt and snagging a girl gives confidence to the rest of the ginger community.

The Bad:  My wife told me that it deviated from the book a little, but since I didn't read the book I could care less.  What C and I noticed is how different "Deathly Hallows I" is from "Deathly Hallows II".  Although I see why they did it that way, because they wanted all the slow and mushy stuff in the first one, then the second one will come at you like "RAMBO"; seriously the second one was so fast that it felt like drinking a red-bull at a rave party... and I have no idea what that means.  Last but not least, J.K.Rowling is a weirdo.

The Ugly:  I may not be the biggest Harry Pothead fan, but this was actually a great film to watch, and a perfect end to this large-and-in-charge series.  I was sort of emotional to see the little nerd grow up from eating jelly-beans that taste like poop, to now become a man who beats up bald-albinos for a living.  Great film, and make sure you see it because it will be a while before "The Hobbit" comes out.

4 1/2 out of 5

Invasion

Overview:  ALIENS ARE ATTACKING!!! WHY WON’T THOSE PROBERS LEAVE US ALONE?!  Yes, this time they are back, again… wow this is starting to sound like a broken Slim Whitman record… Get it? “Mars Attacks” reference anyone? No? No you shove it.  Based on the book “Body Snatchers”, “Invasion” starts when aliens are falling from the sky, and what they desire most is to posses the bodies of humans and make them emotionless… Just like what MTV has been trying to do for years.  “Invasion” follows the story of Carol, her son Oliver, and her James Bond lover (Daniel Craig) as they try to avoid and escape the massive army of alienated people (nice).

The Good:  When I first saw the trailer for this movie I was about as excited as Charlie when he found that golden ticket.  Nothing beats an eerie alien/horror flick, and I already loved the other “Body Snatcher” film adaptations so there was obviously nothing to lose.  Even though it’s based off the same book, it’s very different from it’s other brothers and sisters, because they spend less time focusing on how to kill the aliens, and more time on Nicole Kidman’s family and how they’ll survive… that, and this movie had a better ending then the other ones.  I’m really surprised I liked this movie when I rented it a while ago, because I’ll I’ve ever heard from other people is how much it sucked, well I’m here to tell you that it’s not that bad, as a matter of fact, parts of it are better than the Donald Sutherland version because it has a cooler ending; I’m not going to lie though, seeing Donald Sutherland screaming like a choking dolphin in the other movie’s ending was a dream come true.

The Bad:  Even though I sort of liked the movie, it didn’t do very well for a reason.  Leaving Nicole Kidman and James Bond’s acting aside, several of the other characters I couldn’t take seriously, instead I felt like I was watching a crappy Michael Bay movie… and that’s when my eyes started bleeding.  There were some major flaws with some of the acting, and the plot sometimes got screwed up, but I guess I’m one of those “half glass full” kind of guys that accepts something for what it is, and then loves it to death like a puppie.

The Ugly:  I thought this movie was actually pretty good, but I know there are several people out there who would disagree with me.  If you are a fan of the other “Body Snatcher” movies, then this movie will definitely tickle your tummy-wummy, because it gives you a different perspective on what happened both during and after the Invasion.

2 ½ out of 5

Horrible Bosses

Overview:  Each day at work is a living Hell for Nick, Dale, and Kurt as they deal with bosses that resemble spawns of Satan.  Eventually they get so mad that veins are about to pop out of their neck, so they decide to hire a heavily tattooed Jamie Foxx, and with his (not so great) help they set out to end the bloodthirsty reigns of their grade-A-butt-muncher bosses.

The Good:  C and I always enjoy a good comedy that we can ‘laugh our kidneys off’ all the way through, and “Horrible Bosses” was one of those precious treasures.  Seeing Jason Bateman, Charlie Day, and Jason Sudeikis together is a revelation, and whoever was in charge of casting deserves Twinkies and free enema’s for life.  C and I had a hard time finding out which one of the three was the funniest, because they were all so good.  Jason Sudakis came out with some of the most gut-busting one-liners ever, and Jason Bateman had the don’t-screw-me-over attitude all throughout.  The person who deserves the most recognition is Charlie, who plays as the very quirky and oblivious dentist assistant, who’s constantly being sexually harassed by his Jennifer Aniston-of-a-boss.  He pulls off some of the greatest slapstick humor I’ve ever seen on screen, and although I would never do what his boss does to him, I would take him for some “All you can eat breadsticks at Olive Garden”.  It’s not just the good guys that were awesome; even all the bosses were hilarious.  It tickled my feet to see Jennifer Aniston transform herself from being a good girl into a demon lioness, and seeing Colin Farrell act like a toolish Fraternity boy was a treat; Kevin Spacey is always awesome! 

The Bad:  Call me a sociopath, or just call me a normal 24 year old ginger, but I almost wish it was a little bit more violent than it was.  Other than the odd desire for there to be more violence, the only thing that could have made this movie a better experience for me would be some POPCORN DURING THE SHOWING!!  I seriously felt as naked as a newborn possum without it, then again it was my fault I didn’t buy some… *sigh*

The Ugly:  If you are a brotha or sista who likes laugh out loud comedies, and also has a secret desire to tell your boss to shove it, then this movie is for you.  I for one have had a boss in my history (not my current one) that was just like Colin Farrell’s character, and so this movie was a weird yet joyful trip down memory lane.

4 out of 5

My Top (almost) 10: Worst Horror Films Ever Made

Why did I write this madness?:  I just realized that I gave all my favorite Horror films, and as a result, all of them were blessed with a good review.  So to bring balance to the force, I've decided to give a brief overview of the crappy of the crappy Horror films.  These are the Horror films that you would rather slam your fingers in the door repeatedly, than watch them.

10. JAWS THE REVENGE:  You have got to be kidding me! The shark has feelings now?  This shark has had his feelings hurt so much by the Brody family that he's now decided to start working out his gills, and making his way towards the family's vacation spot in the Bahamas.  I don't even feel bad for the Brody family, instead I feel sorry for all the Great White sharks out there in the world, because ever since this movie came out they all feel like a bunch of swimming idiots.  Let us all join hands and pray that there will NEVER be another "JAWS" movie.

9. The Haunting Of Molly Hartley:  This is EXACTLY what the world needed, a Horror movie with a cast filled with crappy TV stars from TV's crappiest shows.  Molly is about to turn 18, and this is bad, because at 18 the Devil gets to claim her life as a result of her parent's stupid decision making... not to mention bargaining skills.  As the days are counting down to her birthday, Molly's hauntings continually get worse, as does the interest of the audience.  I honestly don't think there was anything wrong with her, but instead I think she's going through the motions of being a ditsy High School student, that thinks she knows more than her parents.

8.  Mortuary:  Tobe Hopper shocked the world with the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", and now he's shocked the world with this dump.  The story of a mortitian family moving into a haunted funeral home seemed like a good enough story, but for some reason it never panned out well, instead I felt like I was watching a combination of "Goosebumps" and "Glee" put together; If that isn't reason enough, I bought this movie as a four pack in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart.

7. SAW series:  For those who are really wanting to know what I think about this pointless series, they can look to one of my previous posts titled “The Reasons Why I Hate SAW”.  I can’t get it past my head why this is the most successful Horror Franchise since… “Nightmare On Elm Street”?  There is nothing about people being totrured for pointless reasons that I find redeeming at all, unless you’re a nut-job. 

6. Alone In The Dark:  Uwe Boll is known as the worst film director in all of Hollywood, and that’s because he’s notorious for making movies based solely off of videogames.  Watching this man’s films makes you want to shoot yourself in the foot, and then not let it heal because you want to be reminded that you’re in the real world, and not stuck in Uwe Boll’s crohnsy universe.  “Alone In The Dark”… I actually have no idea what it’s reall about, and that’s how bad it is.  I know there was some zombie/vampires thrown into the mix, and near the end there were some creatures that resembled the Satanic versions of “Pete’s Dragon”.

5. House Of The Dead:  Oh boy, another one of Uwe Boll’s masterpieces.  Starting this movie is like watching a bunch of toolish men being overrun by zombies… wait, that was the story.  That may sound like a cool story, but don’t be misled, because when you’re finished with this movie you’ll be tempted to shoot the OTHER foot; then again I pity the fool who watches “Alone In The Dark” and “House Of The Dead” back to back. 

4. Troll 2:  It’s widely known that “Troll 2” is not only a trashy Horror movie, but it’s one of the WORST movies ever made.  It follows the story of a boy who’s led by his Yoda-like dead grandfather, in order to protect his family from a bunch of midgit goblins (yes, NOT Trolls) who have the ability to transform (like that naked blue chick from X-Men) into whoever they want.  I remember watching this movie with my grandfather when I was like 6, and it was so craptacular that I still remember every scene of it.

3. Undead:  I’m one of those people that loves any movie that involves zombies eating worthless people (psst, “The Jersey Shore” cast, psst), but this one makes all other zombies look stupider than they already are.  The story is the ideal zombie one, where a bunch of people try to avoid all the undead by taking refuge in a broken down hickish appartment.  The best part of this movie that I like to laugh at is the Hichish farmer, who just so happnens to know martial arts, and can shoot a gun 10 times better than Dick Cheney.  He is such an unrealistic character, and it doesn’t make sense that he’s so well groomed with pefrect teeth! 

2. Return Of The Living Dead: Rave To The Grave:  I wish that the name of this movie was the only bad part, but I’ve been wrong before, just like I used to think I had Hemroids right before being diagnosed with crohns.  The horrid story is about a bunch of druggy teengers deciding to have a rave one night, but the only thing that begins to rave are their zombie hormones, but you already know the rest of the cliché story.  It’s movies like this that remind me of why I hate Hip-Hop as well, no thanks to that rave party

1. Queen Of The Damned:  Worst vampire acting EVER!!!  Before the “Twilight” vampires ruined everything (for the men), it was this piece of work that made me absolutly despise them.  It’s a sad thought that his was Aaliyah’s last movie she did before she died, but surely she’s remembered for her music career, and not for this poor excuse for a film.  This is the perfect reason of why Hollywood should never combine vampires with EMO music, because the result is a bunch of flamboyant people who are confused to the utmost about their sexuality. 

 And for the last one, DRUM ROLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

0. The Exorcist II: The Heritic:  The first “Exoricst” film took the world by storm and shocked everyone. “Exoricst II”, on the other hand, shocked everyone so much that they all had BMs, and that is not a compliment.  The second instalment definitly cured what I thought was lacking from the first one, and that was by adding a complex storyline.  I should have been happy right?  HECK NO! The story was so complex that I felt like I was watching “Pirates Of The Caribbean 3” instead of an “Exorcist” movie.  I am 100% positive that “Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls” was scarier than this piece of work.

P.S. Do you like how I counted to zero? It was my little touch of how much credit this movie deserves.

Jonah Hex

Overview:  “True Grit” meets “Van Helsing” in this somewhat underwhelming Western.  Jonah the Hex was a peaceful family man, until he barked up the wrong tree that is John Malkovich, as a result he looses his offspring (can’t remember if it’s a boy or girl… or both?) and his wife to a bunch of arsonist hicks; this is when he became an X-men.  Now Jonah can speak to the dead, barf crows out of his mouth, and shoot some cool guns.  Teaming up with his prostitute girlfriend (ironically played by Megan Fox), he seeks to avenge his family and protect the US of A.

The Good:  Truth be told I love Westerns, and it doesn’t take much for me to like them as long as there is sweet music, fast gun slinging, and righteous punch-lines I’m sold.  “Jonah Hex” does succeed in looking like a good Western and having some fun gun fights, so that did make me giddy enough to squeal with delight.  Amidst the silly storyline Josh Brolin actually did a good job leading the rest of the ultra-silly cast, and whenever a crappy scene was coming into play, Josh would save it with flying colors. 

The Bad:  This is just not a good movie, plain and simple, and that “aint no lie….baby bye bye bye?”  Although it wasn’t as bad as “Skyline”, it was still a movie that’s not worth watching; I pray to God that I never see a movie like “Skyline” again.  John Malkovich gets to play another crappy bad guy yet again, so maybe he should just stick to his nutty good-guy roles instead.  Megan Fox once again proves that she can’t act, and continues to embarrass America with every breath she takes; I’m sure she was thinking “Why did I have to be such a meany poopy-face to Michael Bay, and thus sacrifice the next (and most likely crappy) installment in the “Transformers” series? 

The Ugly: Besides Jonah’s face, this is a pretty ugly movie, the only time I would suggest watching it is when you’re doing chores around the house, or clipping your toenails.  There are some fun moments in this movie, so it’s not completely worthless, like Paris Hilton’s life, it’s just you feel very underwhelmed when it finally finishes.

1 out of 5

Dinner For Schmucks

Overview:  Handsome and devilishly 'good-looking-of-a-man' named Tim (Paul Rudd, and not the pyro goat guy from "Holy Grail") does whatever he can to stay within the confidence of his superiers at work.  When he finds out that they hold a dinner especially made to make fun of lunatics, he has a debate within his mind (don't worry it's not a tumor) whether he should attend or not, that is until he meets the perfect canadit by hitting him with his car.

The Good:  This film was a lot like a Golden Corral.  You walk into the restaurant knowing that you’ll indulge yourself in the utmost gluttony, and will be puking all over the floor when finished, with a little hint of diarrhea.  There are those rare times that a true American can walk out of the restaurant without these consequences, and that’s what this movie is.  C and I were assuming this was going to be a load of crap and we accepted that, but what we ended up finding was a HILARIOUS movie with some of the funniest one-liners we’ve ever heard.  Jemaine Clement from “Flight of the Concords” was hilarious as the self-absorbed artist, Zack Galifanakis (is that how you spell it?) was actually STILL funny, and Steve Carell was so nerdy and so stupid that he made Lloyd from “Dumb and Dumber” look like George Washington.  This movie was an absolute surprise, a surprise that C and I enjoyed to the utmost giddiness.

The Bad:  I love Paul Rudd to death, and think he’s pretty much perfect in everything he’s in, especially “Anchorman”, but in this movie he seems to fall a little short in comparison to the other comedians.  It may not be his fault since he’s supposed to be the anal “you’re ruining my life” character, so there may not have been much he could have done.  Zack Galifanakis is one of the funniest comedians out there, and he was certainly funny in this movie, but lately I’ve feared for his future.  Once “The Hangover” became such a huge hit, Zack has been in almost EVERY comedy movie out there, and it’s not such a bad thing because he’s really funny; what makes it scary is the possibility of him burning out.

The Ugly:  Please go and see this movie, especially if you’re fond of bathroom humor, Steve Carell, or the movie “Dumb and Dumber”.  This movie will make you laugh so much that a lemonade-color-liquid will start running down your pants, but only because of how much of a good time you’re having… right?

3 ½ out of 5

#1 Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn

Overview: In this remake/sequel to the first "Evil Dead", We learn about the character of Ash (not the loser from Poke' mon), and in this ridiculously morbid film he plans a mini-vacation with his hot girlfriend in the woods; which by the way is the stupidest idea ever! has our buddy Ash never watched a Horror film?  When they get to the Cabin  Ash reads a book that looks as if it was the Book of Judas, and then suddenly zombies and phantasms are sprouting up all over the place! Like weeds around a bunch of other weeds!!

The Good:  You may wonder why I picked the second installment over "Evil Dead I" and "Army Of Darkness", and the reason is it combines the best of the two!  The First installment focuses more on the gory side of the franchise, while "Army.." is mostly a comedy, so it's like part II is the transitional movie where there's just the right amount of Comedy, and just the right amount of awesome violence.  First of all Bruce Campbell is off the hook as the funny man, who looks as though he could crack walnuts in the butt of his chin!  There are more quotable one-liners in this movie than almost any other, except maybe "Princess Bride", but words like "Groovy" have never been this much fun to say.  Director Sam Raimi has this weird obsession with having as much blood and gore as possible, and in this movie it is over the top but it's meant to be funny.  There was one such scene where this hickerbilly was being attacked by a zombie, and instead of just a little gore, Raimi had like a 3-minute scene of blood blowing all over the place, almost like the Hoover Damn exploded.  Bruce Campbell really made a name for himself with the "Evil Dead" series, because now he is one of the leading filmmakers in B-Horror movies, and I'm pretty sure that all the nerdy red-heads around the world who can't score a date, have a statue of Bruce in their rooms whom they can relate to while loosing at Dungeons and Dragons.

The Bad:  That there wasn't more blood and gore in the movie.  Not saying there wasn't enough, because watching this movie made me feel like I just walked into a slaughterhouse (holy crap i'm hungry all the sudden).  I was just thinking to myself, "what is the only thing that could make this film any more legendary?.. BLOOD!! Yeah I'm a man, man.  Dudes like blood."

The Ugly:  To me this is the greatest Horror film ever made.  It may not be the scariest one of all, but it does score brownie points for AWESOMENESS!!! This film is so over the top with blood, gore, and comedy that the only thing that could be funner than watching this is taking a hot bath filled with mint hot-chocolate! I have never done that, but a brother could dream, right?

5 out of 5

We Need to Cut M. Night Shyamalan Some Slack

His Humble Beginnings:  So do ya'll remember when that AMAZING movie called "The Sixth Sense" came out? and suddenly the world became obsessed once again with our buddy Bruce, and fell in love with the little pib-squeak from Forrest Gump?.. Yeah, those were the good times right?  "Sixth Senses" director M. Night Shyamalan became legend at that point, and he was even being hailed as "The next Stephen Spielberg", which is a lot of praise for a brand-spanken- new filmmaker.

Post "Sixth Sense" not that bad, be thee, says I:  Sure our ambitious new filmmaker wasn't able to make a movie to top his first one, but it's not like his follow up movies were utter failures.  He conjured up some pretty crafty thrillers with twisty endings, some of which are: "Undbreakable", "Signs", and "The Village".  These are some pretty good films that gathered some rave reviews from critics and audiences alike, it was only after those movies that things started looking iffy.

Forgive him, he knows not what he does:  Every director needs to experience some failures in order to appreciate the successes, and for M. Night Shyamalan those failures were "The Happening", "Avatar: The Last Airbender", and arguably "Lady in the Water".  I'm not going to argue that these movies weren't bad, because "The Happening" sucked and "The Last Airbender" looked like an episode of "The Wiggles", but it's not like there's no hope for the man; although he's passed puberty, there is still some growing up for him to do.

Cut him some slack, ya jerks:  Apparently there are some rumors out there that M. Night Shyamalan fans are putting out a petition for M. Night to take some film making classes.  Really?  Do these losers not have anything else better to do with their time, like going on real-life dates, or super-sizing their meals at MacDonald's?  First of all he's still young and he has plenty of movies left to make, and second of all he's sort of redeemed himself with "Devil".  C and I saw that a little while ago and we're greatly impressed, because it had the suspense we expected from him, as well as the twisty ending which we all like.  Sure it wasn't the best movie he's ever made, but it was sure as crohns better than "The Happening", and it is a definite step in the right direction.  so for all you jerks who continue to hate him, get your fingers out of your noses and give our brother M. Night a chance!

#2 The Others

Overview:  Grace Stewart and her two nearly albino kids have been having some poopy times ever since the father headed off to Europe, and to make matters worse their servants have deserted the house.  Due to the kid's light allergy (XP), the family had developed a gnarly version of cabin fever, so they're brains are about to crack like Roman Polanski's career.  Things become a little easier when three people knock on their door and claim to be their new servants, but are they all that they seem?

The Good:  I have a good connection with this movie, because just like the kids, my skin is extremely sensitive to the sun, and by being in the sun for roughly 5 minutes I start baking and shriveling like bacon on a Saturday morning.  For a haunted house movie this one hits all the right notes, and it does it absolutely perfectly.  In terms of being scary "The Others" is not as frightening as "Insidious", but it's far more clever and all around better made.  What sets this movie apart is it's very old fashioned appeal.  We are used to Horror movies being jazzed up the ying-yang with special effects, and when a fright-flick doesn't have those effects, then it almost has no appeal.  "The Others" succeeds in using old fashioned scares, so instead of using ANY special effects, it uses silence to draw the viewer in and play with the mind.  Nicole Kidman and her two kids are extremely convincing characters, and they actually make you feel their dread with them; by the end of the movie I had so much cabin fever that I felt like staring into a cooking microwave just for fun... maybe I should get myself checked.

The Bad:  besides the fact that the two kids in the movie look like one of the cast members from "The Children of the Corn", there isn't much about this movie that makes me want to use the bathroom.  There was an experience I had when watching this for the first time that made me mad though.  Me and a group of friends gathered together in a large TV room and we decided to watch said movie, and during the scariest part of the movie he gave me a spook by grabbing me and yelling "GHOST!"  I hope the steak we had that night went rancid in his stomach and that he now has a severe case of IBS!!  Was that a little harsh? My therapist said it's good to release steam.

The Ugly:  This is THE perfect haunted house movie, and if you are a fan of those types of films, then this one is right up your alley... if you have one.  Just make sure that when you watch it you don't have anyone sitting directly behind you, because it makes you the perfect target and they will pounce on you, like a lion does to a useless wildebeest.  

5 out of 5

#3 Insidious

Overview:  After moving into a new house, and getting a new job everything seems groovy for the Lambert family, all except for their last name.  When their suspiciously quiet son falls into a coma, freaky things start happening all around the house, which drives Adam Lambert's family to move.  When the hauntings continue in the new place, they finally realize "It's not the house that's haunted... it's your son", said the creepy old woman.  Guess they should get reimbursed for the faulty doctor appointments, because that man was wrong! Just like Bill Clinton was during the sex scandal.

The Good:  This may be number 3 on my list, but this is by far the SCARIEST movie I have ever seen!!  When the movie ended at 11pm I was so scared that I had to call C and talk to her the entire drive home, and at the same time all my windows were down and the car lights were on; I felt like a kid where I was scared of Paris Hilton being in the closet.  I'm not going to mention the acting much, because it was obviously good, especialy Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne as the leading cast.  There are some images in this movie that will stick with you for weeks after it's over, heck I'm still checking the back seat of my car and making sure there's no crazy-eyed pioneer girl waiting to haunt me.  Speaking of Pioneer girls, the scariest part of this movie are these two dead ladies wearing poodle skirts who look like they're from the 1950's, they even make the twins from "The Shinning" look harmless.  This may be a bad thing, but what makes this such a good Horror movie is it NEVER LETS UP!  Several hundreds of scary movies don't have enough terror, this one might have too much, because once something really scary happens, something scarier arrives about half a second later.  It's an unsettling feeling; almost like going up the tracks of a very tall roller coaster and remembering you forgot to pee.

The Bad:  I don't want to give anything away, because everything in this movie needs to come as a surprise, but there is one part of it that may be a bit confusing; "Insidious" is divided into two parts.  The first half of the movie is more like an old-fashioned haunted house story, then the second part is like something out of "Are You Afraid Of The Dark".  None of this bothers me, because I thought the movie was sheer perfection, but there are some people out there who might get confused.


The Ugly:  When it comes to Horror I feel like I can handle a lot, regardless of how much shock value the movie has, but "Insidious" is the first Horror film EVER to actually make me afraid of the dark.  The most frequent Horror movie watcher will be laying down in the bathroom in the fetal position right next to the toilet; I have crohns so i'm allowed to do those things without being judged to harshly... right?

4 1/2 out of 5

#4 JAWS

Overview:  Remember the Great White Shark from “Finding Nemo” who claimed he was a vegi-ma-tarian?  As it turns out that shark is a big fat liar face, because now he’s embracing his true self at the beaches of Amity, where he has an affinity for human flesh.  Meanwhile the local aqua-phobia Sherriff has to deal with all the shark attacks, which brings him into a “Street Fighter” match with the oversized fish.

The Good:  I remember when I was 5 or 6 and I rented this movie, it was the first Horror movie I had ever seen and it scared my pre-crohnsy self half to death!  Whenever the shark would kill someone I would run to my mother, have her hug me and let me know everything will be fine, then un-pause the movie and finish it.  There are several different aspects of this movie that contribute to its success, first of which is the music.  The music is seriously 3-notes played over, and over, and over again.  Instead of shooting myself in the face, the music actually brings the creepy eerie feeling into the water, it’s especially creepy when the music gets louder as the shark gets closer to someone.   Every actor in this film has perfect chemistry with each other, and you don’t get the feeling that it's a competition to see who gets the spotlight more (although I did think Richard Dreyfuss was the best).  This movie was famous for keeping people afraid and out of the water, and that’s what it did to me.  Whenever I get the crazy idea to swim in a green lake, I imagine that JAWS is in the water with me, so when a gubbie or tiny fish touches my feet I scream about as loud as I did when I first 

came out of the womb; I don’t remember that but I’m sure it was traumatic.

The Bad:  The bad part of this movie are it’s sequels, because although they’re fun, I usually try to forget that there was any connection to the first movie; It’s like the “SAW” movies where they should have stopped at the first one. 

The Ugly:  Unless you’re a 5-6 year-old ginger kid, then you might want to think twice about watching this movie, or else you’ll never want to go swimming again… at least not with the same confidence.  This is a classic that never gets old because it’s fun, scary, and all the characters are memorable; this is a SHARKING good time… Oh that was a good punch-line, and I can use that in almost any context and it still works!

4 1/2 out of 5