Maniac

I myself love any slasher film about as much as the next brother with a chemical imbalance, even when they suck-didily-uck.  The stories are basically the same in every slasher flick, aka, you have to constantly guess who the killer is.  Finding out the killer isn't all that hard either, because he/she is probably the misunderstood person with mommy/daddy issues and decides to act out by slaughtering people in very creative ways.  Maniac is a remake of a moderate slasher film way back in the day, and the story follows a mannequin restorer named Frank, who (surprise surprise) had a horrible prostitute of a mother, which basically turned Frank into what would be considered a textbook definition of a sociopath; he is like Christian Bale from American Psycho but without the confidence, hygiene, social life, height, clean shaven face... OK he's nothing like Christian Bale.  To make himself feel like he has more control over women, he goes out and stalks them like Edward Cullen and shanks them with a pretty awesome looking blade... also just like Edward Cullen.  Upon his arrival home he takes the scalps that he carved from the women and places them on the mannequins so he could create his own fantasized social life... so basically it's just like he's adding friends to his Facebook page, except it's a little more above average with the fatalities.

The Good:
Among some of my very tough decisions in life such as "do I pick Captain Crunch with berries, or without?", "do I close the blinds when I'm watching Princess Diaries or not?", and "Do I use the toilet paper today, or should I see what it's like without it?"  I was caught between the tough decision of claiming either Evil Dead (2013) as my favorite horror film of the year, or do I choose the movie I'm reviewing right now?  Despite the fact that Maniac is a remake, it not only surpasses the "originality" of the original, but it also seals itself as quite possible one of the most original horror movies of all time!  And why is it so awesome you ask?  Well, it's not because you get to see Frodo from Lord of the Rings become pervy if that's what you're thinking.  The biggest plus this movie has going for it is that it was done in the 1st person view, so throughout the entire movie you are seeing all the events happening through Frank's eyes, and the only time you see our beloved Frodo is when he is looking at his depressing face in the mirror.  Something else I really respect about this movie is that it shows that monsters (those with anti-social personality disorder) aren't born, but they are made through several different influential factors that impact them early on in their lives (and sometimes later).  At first the viewer may see that there is no redeeming value in this film, and that if anything it's a disgusting portrayal of a sexist man who gets off on scalping women.  After watching Maniac I feel that if anything it tells the viewer that people like Frank do exist, maybe not the extreme that he is, but they exist all the same, and we need to be aware of that.  Some of the other pluses that honestly surprised me was the acting on Elijah Wood's part, and the very simple A-B storyline.

The Bad:
Maybe not to the extent that the Human Centipede I and II were, but still, this movie is definitely not for the faint of heart, and if not handled carefully it will make a person either run nose-first into the door whilst trying to leave the apartment, or it will make that person want to vomit on an ant-hill.  One other beef I have with this movie is related to the 1st person view, when Frank gets up close to another person's face.  Call me shallow, but when up close shots are taken of a person's face it makes me sick, maybe it's because I can see their pours and nose hairs, but it is something that always made me feel like evacuating my bowls right quick and in a hurry!

The Ugly:
Every family should see this movie... NOT!!  That would be a horrible idea!  And if that did happen then those parents would be compared to the balloon father as the worst parents on the face of the earth.  This is a film that should be experienced by someone who can hold their crap together, and look at it in a mature and even an academic way, because it does teach a lot about the mind set of someone who struggles with anti-social personality disorder.

5 out of 5

The EVIL DEAD

I’ve been waiting for this moment for quite a long time.  I was looking forward to this about as much as I was looking forward to the McRib Sandwich coming back, and if that isn’t love then I don’t know what is.  This remake (but not really) of Evil Dead follows the story of Mia, a druggie who appears to have watched a little too much breaking bad, who goes out with a group of friends into the woods so she could go Cold Turkey with a support group.  Everything was going well for the friends until they saw that someone in the basement hated cats about as much as I do, and it was there they found a book that is surrounded by pure evil, and I’m not talking about Hitler’s Autobiography, or the British Book of Dentistry, I’m talking about a book that summons a demon that likes to make trees violate random people.  Of course someone with nerdy glasses had to read the book, thus causing the tree violating demon to posses and kill everyone in the Cabin!

The Good:  First of all, let it be known that EVIL DEAD 2 is my all time favorite movie, and that unlike some people who dismissed this movie right off the “get-go” because it’s a remake, I welcomed this new movie like I welcome chocolate chip covered pancakes covered in syrup.  What I liked most about this EVIL DEAD is that it took all that I love about the original movie including the loss of limbs, the demon woman in the basement, and the abundant amount of gore, and created a completely different story with new characters that I could see get killed off.  Now, my wife may mention that I need a psychological evaluation, because during this film I smiled a smile that resembled a child’s joy at Christmas, while everyone else was shrieking in disgust like they were watching a bikini contest featuring Rose O’Donnell.  There was one scene in particular when a girl cuts her arm off because it was bitten by the possessed Mia, and the entire theater screen was red with blood for an entire minute; I was so overwhelmed with joy that I almost cried like a 12-yr old girl at a Bieber concert. 

The Bad:  You’ll get a bunch of butt-munchers out there who will try to compare this one to the original, which is completely impossible because it plays by a completely different set of rules with new characters.  Some are upset because Ash isn't in it as well, but if you think about it by adding Ash into the story it would make people uneasy because they would be measuring it up to the impossible standards of the original.  Now although I thought the new EVIL DEAD was a near perfect experience, the one downfall I noticed (which really wasn't a downfall at all), was the absence of gory-goodness in the first 20 minutes.

The Ugly: I am a genuine freak in that my joy lies in seeing people lose limbs and get decapitated, and I understand that others may not share that obsession… namely my wife and brother.  I would even say that if they weren't being blocked by a rather large Sikh, they would have walked right out of the theater to go throw up the popcorn in the trash can.  Now, for those individuals out there who enjoy seeing a bunch of people die horrible deaths in an isolated cabin, the new EVIL DEAD movie is heaven!  

5 out of 5

Dark Water

Overview:  Water flows constintly in this run-down-i'd-rather-live-in-Harlem kind of neighborhood, and it isn't the good kind of water, this is the kind of H2O someone would expect to see at the bottom of a portapotty (man that's disgusting imagery).  Because of her douchie Jersey-shore ex-husband, Dahlia and her unnaturally happy daughter move to the previously mentioned crapptacular place in hopes to make a new start.  But the longer they stay at the apartment they begin to realize that the people living above them either suck at fixing an overflowing toilet, or they are disgusting horders that role in their own filth.

The Good:  I like Jennifer Connelly, and not the "I wish I took her to MacDonald's" kind of nice, but more like the "We have a secret handshake that's full of gangster symbols" type.  When watching the "Dark Water" trailer I was again deceived because the trailer made it look like the storyline was vast and complex, but to my delight (which is very simular to finding a twinkie and $5 on the ground in one day) the story was suprisingly simple and easy to follow.   You knew that there was going to be a twist at the end, but at least this one you can guess your way through.  May it also be known that I am a fan of dark liquid substances (mostly blood) coming out of the walls in movies, I don't know why but it reminds me of having pancakes for dinner.

The Bad:  The movie isn't joking around when it says that "Water" is it's key ingrediant, IT'S EVERYWHERE!!  After the movie was over C and I said to each other "I feel soaking wet and dirty", and then I proceeded to fill my tub with hand sanitizer and basked in it's cleansing powers.  Although this was a cute and fun little movie to watch, it was a little VERY anti-climatic.  I don't know how many Japanese Horror remakes Hollywood is going to do, but I think it's about time to call it quits, because it looks like they're trying to make another "Ring", but that obviously failed when they tried "Ring 2".  Now if they were to do a sequel to this movie I would definitly have a helping hand in coming up with a title, and it would be called "Dark Toilet Water" rated NC-17 for crohnsy effects!! I know that's a little weird to say, but there was a part of me that demanded it.

The Ugly:  I would go see this, but if you have hopes for it to be the next "Ring" movie then you might as well stick your head in the oven and turn it on 400, because "The Ring" movies are over!

2 out of 5 

Let Me In

Overview:  Things don't look too bright for Owen in his middle-school universe.  Bullies give him some killer wedgies, flush his hair in the poop machine, and call him names like "nose picker" and "poopie maggie".  OK that's a lie, these bullies make "The Children of the Corn" look like saints.  His life continues to look bleak until he meets the girl of his 12-year old dreams, who just so happens to be depressed for no reason, and dresses like a bankrupt hippie who couldn't afford a pair of Chuck Taylor's at Payless.  As it turns out she isn't really depressed, instead she's a soulless Vampire who travels around with her oddly affectionate dad.  Together with Owen they share a forbidden/cute romantic friendship that rivals those glittery vampires from "Twilight".

The Good:  Although I have not read the book, I did indeed see the original Swedish version titled, "Let The Right One In", and I'll probably be the first one to say "Let Me In" is 10 times better than the original.  Its not that I have anything against Swedish people, heck, I married one of their daughters.  What I didn't like about the original is the lack of artistic direction.  "Let Me In" succeeds in being very artistic, and is close to being like the "Pan's Labrynth" of vampire flicks.  Director Matt Reeves stunned the world with his "Blair Witch" styled monster flick "Cloverfield", which succeeded in making everyone in the theater throw up their pizza all over the seats.  After recovering from the 2-year seizure, "Let Me In" was well worth the wait.  Unlike most Horror films, this movie actually makes a very good drama as well, and the acting from Chloe Moretz as the vampire who never hit puberty is superb.  The acting from everyone else in the movie is great, but their all human, and we now live in a world where no one (especially awkward teens) cares about humans, its all about the supernatural disturbed (or glittery hunks, if your gender curious or a teenage girl).
P.S. I think the poster looks awesome by the way.

The Bad:  Bullies suck, and this one is full with 12-year old bullies who look as if they eat testosterone pills for breakfast, and then watch "Casino" for lunch;  These little freaks need to get their butts to church or Oprah.  For a vampire movie there sure isn't enough vampire violence for my taste.  I'm one of those guys who wants vampires ripping people apart, and then bathe in their blood afterwards while washing their hair with Herbal Essences.  There is vampire violence, but it's no "30 Days of Night".  Other than than that, this movie is shear perfection, just like 2 McDoubles at McDonald's for $2.

The Ugly:  The world is greatly lacking some original Horror films lately, and instead we like to remake worthless crap like Michael Bay's version of "Friday the 13th".  Although "Let Me In" is a remake, it's definitely a breath of fresh air, and is most likely to make you cry like a hopeless romantic... about as much as it will scare you like Sarah Jessica Parker's face.

5 out of 5

Who needs a “Spiderman” reboot?

Good Old Days:  I remember the good old days when I was 7, where eating fun-dip candies, stealing Bazooka gum, and having a movie remade 3 decades after the original was normal.  We live in a different world now, where reality TV screws up the minds of younger generations, Bazooka is still being stolen by 7 year olds, and movies are being remade only a couple years after the originals; the olden days were better, but I don’t steal gum anymore. 

God Bless you Sam Raimi:  As a simple Scottish-Mormon living in the upper-middle class of San Francisco my life was filled with many exciting things, and one of those was the first “Spiderman” movie.  I LOVED THAT FILM!  It may have been a bit cheesier than other comic book adaptations, but that’s exactly what the comic was like.  Sam Raimi brought his B-Movie agenda/rub, applied it to the comic-book brisket, and then slow roasted it till the perfect tenderness and taste was reached (you must forgive me, C and I have been watching the “Food Network”).  Following the first film were two sequels, and even those movies were not that bad.  “Spiderman 2” was even better than the first one, by emphasizing the conflict between Peter Parker and Spiderman even more.  Excusing parts of “Spiderman 3” (which I liked by the way), that was a solid summer flick that was still fun to watch, and it brought the trilogy to an agreeable conclusion.  All should be fine in Spidey’s world right?  Well apparently not, because my Spidey senses are tingling but not in a good way, this is more like an itch.

Hollywood you’ve done it again:  What in the name of Oprah Whinfrey is going on in Hollywood right now?  It’s been roughly 3-4 years since the last “Spiderman” movie and they’re already doing a reboot?  I can see this being a good thing if the previous 3 films were utter failures, BUT THEY WEREN’T!  Someone once said to me, and I quote “They’re making a reboot because the last films weren’t good enough.”  Oh really?  Because what I remembered about those films is that they were some of the biggest blockbuster hits of ALL TIME, and each and every one of them (yes that includes the 3^rd one) received rave review from critics and audiences alike.  This is a dangereous move on Hollywood’s part.

Why what I say means nothing:  People are going to see this movie anyways, because their curiosity will get the best of them, just like the cat’s right before being put in the washing machine.  There is no doubt this movie will be successful, but there is also a high chance of it being forgettable.  This premature reboot would have been received with open arms in about 20 years, but since it’s only been a couple years it’ll just sound like the same old song that no one cares about… like the “With arms wide open” song by Creed.