Abduction

You know how some people say they "feel naked" if they're missing their shoes/belt/I-pod/bible/stained underwear?  Well for our muscular native Taylor Lautner it means the exact opposite, because he feels naked when he's wearing cloths as we've learned from him playing a poodle in "Twilight".  When starting this movie C and I gave it about two minutes before Jacob (Crap!), I mean taylor removes his shirt, making his abs completely exposed so that all the teenage girls in the audience are wooed into a coma.  Knowing that he just came from doing all the "Twilight" films, I must say that my expectations of this movie being "good" were not very high, as a matter of fact I predicted that picking my nose and watching Dora the Explorer would have been a better use of my time.  To my suprise the movie... still sucked, but effectively!  The storyline was crap, taylor was still wooing teenagers, his love interest had enormous eyebrows, and her eyebrows were a different color, making me wish that she was killed off in the movie.  What was good was the action (of course how could we expect any less from Jacob), the soundtrack, everything but that girl's eyebrows, and when the movie ended.  The movie was dumb, but the enjoyable kind of dumb like those "dumb dumb suckers"

2 out of 5

The Tourist

Overview:  Frank is just a simple Johnny Depp dopelganger making his way across Europe, until he runs into Elise; this lady looks like the Devil’s mistress and dresses like she’s 2 decades behind everyone else.   Using the same skills she used to seduce Brad Pitt, she "leads Frank on" like a cheerleader at a High School prom, and gets him involved in all sorts of drama with the (British version of the) FBI and a wanna-be Russion gangster.  Full with deceit, fabio-less passionate love, and lots of boats, the two love-doves avoid these people like they’re SARS. 

The Good:  The entire film is visually stunning, and makes me want to dawn 80’s apparel and drink 100 year old wine, or in my case a glass of 2-week old grape juice (from Welches brand, that way I live on the edge).  The acting wasn’t too bad, and I actually thought that Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie did good jobs with what they were given, even though they were screaming out “I’m Rick James BI@%$!!” Wait they didn’t say that, they said “I’m hot and you know it” throughout the WHOLE movie.  I did like the ending of the movie a lot though, but unless I want my house to be tee-pee’d I’m going to avoid giving that away.

The Bad:  I love how this movie claimed to be a Thriller, even though the part of me the movie "thrilled" was my desire to use the toilet.  There was practically no plot for a caperish-type movie that’s supposed to be built on suspense and deceit; I ended up watching a 1½ hour fashion show featuring Jolie and Depp strutting their wealthy butts all across Venice.  At one point I almost preferred watching “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End”, thus allowing my head to explode because of too much plot coming my way. Instead I kept thinking to myself “Alright I get it! Angelina’s hot, and her jawline is chizzled to perfection by God’s angels!  Johnney, you are no doubt one of God's greatest creations".

The Ugly:  The part of my soul obsessed with wanderlust really liked this movie, because it felt more like a tour guide video, with my guides being two of the hottest actors ever! (I speak of Jolie… or course).  Make sure you don’t expect too much from the storyline, because if you do then you might be drivin to a murderous rage like I… wasn’t?  Listen that Irish family was not my fault!!!!

½ out of 5

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Series

Overview:  Lisbeth Salander is one messed up chick.  She has way too many piercings, dresses like an emo 12-year old, questions her sexuality more than Clay Aiken, and has a (pretty awesome) tattoo of a Dragon on her back.  Although it’s a trilogy, it’s basically one movie, and so I’m going to review all of them at once.  In an attempt not to confuse anyone, I’m going to give as little of the storyline that my ADHD mind will allow.  Lisbeth is a computer hacker who’s history is scared by being sexually assaulted by pervy old men, and she’s considered a menace to society, although I don’t think her attire is helping her case.  She crosses paths with a magazine editor named Mikael Blomkvist, and together they help each other out in significant ways, and embark on morbid versions of “chip and dale’s rescue ranger’s” quests; I’ll stop here so I don’t end up shoving my stinky foot in my mouth, because that crap is gross.

The Good:  I’m sure a bunch of whiney High School tweens are all over these movies, and I’m not talking about the “Twilight” losers.  I’m talking about those kids who think their lives are so tough, their parents are out to get them, and they gather together to listen to Marilyn Manson because he knows their pain.  Although I’m not one of those kids (I just so happened to love my life), I did think these movies were very artistic, and in different ways.  The entire film had this Godfather/Andy Warhol/Horror feel to it, and maybe it was how Lisbeth dressed, but regardless it looked awesome.  The other way these movies were artistic is because they flaunt Sweden like an 8-year old redhead does his boogers.  Even though the story is dark, you can’t help but think “wouldn’t it be nice to visit Sweden one day”, and then something bad happens on screen and you think “Screw that!!”  The acting by Noomi Rapace and Michael Nyqvist is so phenomenal, that it makes me afraid the American remake won’t bring in actors that have the same chemistry. 

The Bad:  I haven’t read the books so I can’t say much, but I don’t think the filmmakers though too much about keeping the dark mood consistent in all three movies.  First we find out Lisbeth has a tattoo, and we see her crack a Sherlock Holmes case from Hell.  Next our little Pyro decides to play with fire, aka she tries to find out who’s plotting against her.  And lastly we see her kick a massive Hornet’s nest of thugs trying to keep her behind bars.  The problem is these movies are so different.  The first one plays out like “Seven” or “Red Dragon”, the second is like an interesting episode of “Law and Order”, and the third one is like the ending to “The Majestic”.  Each movie is good, but it gives you whiplash because the series changes styles to much, like Elton John’s wardrobe during a concert. 

The Ugly:  Viewer’s discretion is advised for this trippy/morbid series, because it’s definitely not for the faint hearted.  This is the king of all movies when it comes to showing how bad sexual violence is, so this is definitely not everybody's trilogy.  These are very good films though, and beneath all that tattooed exterior there are some good messages to behold, and then there is probably just flesh and bones… too logical? Well shove it.  Just make sure that when you’re finished watching these movies, turn on an episode of “Wonder Pets” or “Dora the Explorer” to bring happiness and love back into your lives.

4 out of 5

Skyline

Overview:  Aliens are everywhere... again?  Crap, I already want to shoot myself in the foot for talking about his movie.  I’ll suck it up just give me a second…  *Toilet Flushes*, alright I’m back.  Jarrod‘s trip to LA with his lady and the gu from “Scrubs” starts out like the common “Jersey Shore” episode, but quickly ends when aliens want to destroy the city… Are we sure they’re the bad guys?

The Good:  Like “Battle: LA” there is some amazing special effects in this film regarding the aliens, and on the big screen I’m sure it was impressive to look at.  I was happy to see the Aliens kick some LA butt; because it’s about time someone grabbed that city by the crohns and slapped it across the face. 

The Bad:  I don’t really have anything bad to say about this movie… YEAH RIGHT! Like fun I don’t! I didn’t even know movies could get this bad, about halfway through I felt like gnawing on the wall, and I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure that’s not healthy.  At least I had fun with “Battle: LA”, with “Skyline” I was just pure bored because there was hardly any movement.  About 3/4s of the movie, the main characters were being losers in their penthouse, and after a while my world was beginning to feel a little claustrophobic.  I’m really starting to get annoyed with the whole “lets-not-explain-why-the-aliens-are-there” storylines, and this one is the worst of them all.  As far as I’m concerned, the aliens are just like those yapping dogs that like to chase cars down the street, and instead of running the dogs over (this is my dream) the dogs tackle the cars and tear them a new one.  I don’t know what to say about the acting, other than it sucked. 

The Ugly:  I want everyone to know that some movie-trailers have a tendency to lie.  Everyone who saw this told me it was horrific, and yet I still wasted a dollar on Redbox because, like an idiot, I thought the trailer looked cool.  I can’t even recommend this as a movie to laugh at, because it isn’t funny, if anything it’s so boring that it makes you want to cry, like I did at the ending of the “Titanic” (don’t judge me).

-1 out of 5