#1 Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn

Overview: In this remake/sequel to the first "Evil Dead", We learn about the character of Ash (not the loser from Poke' mon), and in this ridiculously morbid film he plans a mini-vacation with his hot girlfriend in the woods; which by the way is the stupidest idea ever! has our buddy Ash never watched a Horror film?  When they get to the Cabin  Ash reads a book that looks as if it was the Book of Judas, and then suddenly zombies and phantasms are sprouting up all over the place! Like weeds around a bunch of other weeds!!

The Good:  You may wonder why I picked the second installment over "Evil Dead I" and "Army Of Darkness", and the reason is it combines the best of the two!  The First installment focuses more on the gory side of the franchise, while "Army.." is mostly a comedy, so it's like part II is the transitional movie where there's just the right amount of Comedy, and just the right amount of awesome violence.  First of all Bruce Campbell is off the hook as the funny man, who looks as though he could crack walnuts in the butt of his chin!  There are more quotable one-liners in this movie than almost any other, except maybe "Princess Bride", but words like "Groovy" have never been this much fun to say.  Director Sam Raimi has this weird obsession with having as much blood and gore as possible, and in this movie it is over the top but it's meant to be funny.  There was one such scene where this hickerbilly was being attacked by a zombie, and instead of just a little gore, Raimi had like a 3-minute scene of blood blowing all over the place, almost like the Hoover Damn exploded.  Bruce Campbell really made a name for himself with the "Evil Dead" series, because now he is one of the leading filmmakers in B-Horror movies, and I'm pretty sure that all the nerdy red-heads around the world who can't score a date, have a statue of Bruce in their rooms whom they can relate to while loosing at Dungeons and Dragons.

The Bad:  That there wasn't more blood and gore in the movie.  Not saying there wasn't enough, because watching this movie made me feel like I just walked into a slaughterhouse (holy crap i'm hungry all the sudden).  I was just thinking to myself, "what is the only thing that could make this film any more legendary?.. BLOOD!! Yeah I'm a man, man.  Dudes like blood."

The Ugly:  To me this is the greatest Horror film ever made.  It may not be the scariest one of all, but it does score brownie points for AWESOMENESS!!! This film is so over the top with blood, gore, and comedy that the only thing that could be funner than watching this is taking a hot bath filled with mint hot-chocolate! I have never done that, but a brother could dream, right?

5 out of 5

#2 The Others

Overview:  Grace Stewart and her two nearly albino kids have been having some poopy times ever since the father headed off to Europe, and to make matters worse their servants have deserted the house.  Due to the kid's light allergy (XP), the family had developed a gnarly version of cabin fever, so they're brains are about to crack like Roman Polanski's career.  Things become a little easier when three people knock on their door and claim to be their new servants, but are they all that they seem?

The Good:  I have a good connection with this movie, because just like the kids, my skin is extremely sensitive to the sun, and by being in the sun for roughly 5 minutes I start baking and shriveling like bacon on a Saturday morning.  For a haunted house movie this one hits all the right notes, and it does it absolutely perfectly.  In terms of being scary "The Others" is not as frightening as "Insidious", but it's far more clever and all around better made.  What sets this movie apart is it's very old fashioned appeal.  We are used to Horror movies being jazzed up the ying-yang with special effects, and when a fright-flick doesn't have those effects, then it almost has no appeal.  "The Others" succeeds in using old fashioned scares, so instead of using ANY special effects, it uses silence to draw the viewer in and play with the mind.  Nicole Kidman and her two kids are extremely convincing characters, and they actually make you feel their dread with them; by the end of the movie I had so much cabin fever that I felt like staring into a cooking microwave just for fun... maybe I should get myself checked.

The Bad:  besides the fact that the two kids in the movie look like one of the cast members from "The Children of the Corn", there isn't much about this movie that makes me want to use the bathroom.  There was an experience I had when watching this for the first time that made me mad though.  Me and a group of friends gathered together in a large TV room and we decided to watch said movie, and during the scariest part of the movie he gave me a spook by grabbing me and yelling "GHOST!"  I hope the steak we had that night went rancid in his stomach and that he now has a severe case of IBS!!  Was that a little harsh? My therapist said it's good to release steam.

The Ugly:  This is THE perfect haunted house movie, and if you are a fan of those types of films, then this one is right up your alley... if you have one.  Just make sure that when you watch it you don't have anyone sitting directly behind you, because it makes you the perfect target and they will pounce on you, like a lion does to a useless wildebeest.  

5 out of 5

#3 Insidious

Overview:  After moving into a new house, and getting a new job everything seems groovy for the Lambert family, all except for their last name.  When their suspiciously quiet son falls into a coma, freaky things start happening all around the house, which drives Adam Lambert's family to move.  When the hauntings continue in the new place, they finally realize "It's not the house that's haunted... it's your son", said the creepy old woman.  Guess they should get reimbursed for the faulty doctor appointments, because that man was wrong! Just like Bill Clinton was during the sex scandal.

The Good:  This may be number 3 on my list, but this is by far the SCARIEST movie I have ever seen!!  When the movie ended at 11pm I was so scared that I had to call C and talk to her the entire drive home, and at the same time all my windows were down and the car lights were on; I felt like a kid where I was scared of Paris Hilton being in the closet.  I'm not going to mention the acting much, because it was obviously good, especialy Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne as the leading cast.  There are some images in this movie that will stick with you for weeks after it's over, heck I'm still checking the back seat of my car and making sure there's no crazy-eyed pioneer girl waiting to haunt me.  Speaking of Pioneer girls, the scariest part of this movie are these two dead ladies wearing poodle skirts who look like they're from the 1950's, they even make the twins from "The Shinning" look harmless.  This may be a bad thing, but what makes this such a good Horror movie is it NEVER LETS UP!  Several hundreds of scary movies don't have enough terror, this one might have too much, because once something really scary happens, something scarier arrives about half a second later.  It's an unsettling feeling; almost like going up the tracks of a very tall roller coaster and remembering you forgot to pee.

The Bad:  I don't want to give anything away, because everything in this movie needs to come as a surprise, but there is one part of it that may be a bit confusing; "Insidious" is divided into two parts.  The first half of the movie is more like an old-fashioned haunted house story, then the second part is like something out of "Are You Afraid Of The Dark".  None of this bothers me, because I thought the movie was sheer perfection, but there are some people out there who might get confused.


The Ugly:  When it comes to Horror I feel like I can handle a lot, regardless of how much shock value the movie has, but "Insidious" is the first Horror film EVER to actually make me afraid of the dark.  The most frequent Horror movie watcher will be laying down in the bathroom in the fetal position right next to the toilet; I have crohns so i'm allowed to do those things without being judged to harshly... right?

4 1/2 out of 5

#4 JAWS

Overview:  Remember the Great White Shark from “Finding Nemo” who claimed he was a vegi-ma-tarian?  As it turns out that shark is a big fat liar face, because now he’s embracing his true self at the beaches of Amity, where he has an affinity for human flesh.  Meanwhile the local aqua-phobia Sherriff has to deal with all the shark attacks, which brings him into a “Street Fighter” match with the oversized fish.

The Good:  I remember when I was 5 or 6 and I rented this movie, it was the first Horror movie I had ever seen and it scared my pre-crohnsy self half to death!  Whenever the shark would kill someone I would run to my mother, have her hug me and let me know everything will be fine, then un-pause the movie and finish it.  There are several different aspects of this movie that contribute to its success, first of which is the music.  The music is seriously 3-notes played over, and over, and over again.  Instead of shooting myself in the face, the music actually brings the creepy eerie feeling into the water, it’s especially creepy when the music gets louder as the shark gets closer to someone.   Every actor in this film has perfect chemistry with each other, and you don’t get the feeling that it's a competition to see who gets the spotlight more (although I did think Richard Dreyfuss was the best).  This movie was famous for keeping people afraid and out of the water, and that’s what it did to me.  Whenever I get the crazy idea to swim in a green lake, I imagine that JAWS is in the water with me, so when a gubbie or tiny fish touches my feet I scream about as loud as I did when I first 

came out of the womb; I don’t remember that but I’m sure it was traumatic.

The Bad:  The bad part of this movie are it’s sequels, because although they’re fun, I usually try to forget that there was any connection to the first movie; It’s like the “SAW” movies where they should have stopped at the first one. 

The Ugly:  Unless you’re a 5-6 year-old ginger kid, then you might want to think twice about watching this movie, or else you’ll never want to go swimming again… at least not with the same confidence.  This is a classic that never gets old because it’s fun, scary, and all the characters are memorable; this is a SHARKING good time… Oh that was a good punch-line, and I can use that in almost any context and it still works!

4 1/2 out of 5

#5 Drag Me To Hell

Overview:  Not all gypsies are cute and cuddly like the ones you see on “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding” (don’t judge me); sometimes they can be soulless banshees that want nothing more than to prey on our attractive bank women.  Christine Brown is an ambitious bank worker, and when the Assistant Manager’s position opens up she has to prove that she has the guts to make tough decisions, so she denies an old gypsy another bank loan and tells her to shove it.  Because she figuratively “spanked” the gypsy in public, the gypsy cursed her to be “Dragged” to Hell in three days time.

The Good:  Alas the triumphant return of one of Horror’s greatest filmmakers! Sam Raimi was the creative mind behind some of the greatest Horror classics including the “Evil Dead” trilogy, and now he’s back with another fright-fest, and he did not disappoint.  “Drag Me To Hell” is awesome because it’s aware of how cheesy it is, and so instead of trying to deny that (like so many other Horror movies do), it serves you an entire pizza full of freaky-cheesy-fun.  I have many nightmares, some of which include me living in Canada, having to go to the bathroom while running, and awaiting some horrific fate when there is nothing I can do about it; this movie is the latter of the three.  It’s very entertaining to see Christine run around and try to figure out ways to avoid going to Hell, and although she really isn’t that bad of a person, you can’t help but be excited for her demonic welcome wagon.  Alison Lohman actually did quite well as Christine, which made me happy because she was really good in “Big Fish”. 

The Bad:  It’s not that I have anything against Justin Long, because I’m sure he’s a swell dude with a winning smile and a cheery disposition, but in this movie he falls a little short.  It’s not that Justin was horrific in this movie, because he was actually very funny half the time, it’s just compared to Alison Lohman’s tremendous acting he’s easily forgettable. 

The Ugly:  “Drag Me To Hell” is a solid Horror flick that is very campy and entertaining.  This is the kind of film that non-Horror lovers would enjoy, or muggles as I like to call them.  “Drag...” is especially entertaining if you are the kind of person who fantasizes about sending banks “Running with the Devil”, thank you for that Van Halen.

4 out of 5

#6 The Last Exorcism

Overview: Cotton Marcus is a Catholic priest who doubts his faith (wow, the original story line is giving me butterflies already), and he despises the Exorcism ritual.  In order to bring the dark truth about exorcisms out in the open, he decides to film one, and then release it to the world as a documentary.  Well as it turns out this possessed girl actually has something wrong with her, and no it’s not boy related.

The Good:  No Horror movie is complete without a few idiots thrown into the mix.  It makes me squeal like a little-school-girl-on-a-Friday-afternoon whenever someone does something completely ridiculous, and ends up paying for it later.  You want to yell, “Don’t go in to that pitch-black basement, you single-white-and-perfectly-curved-female-with-a-large-wad-of-cash-in-both-pockets!!”  Patrick Fabian is amazing as the doubting preacher, and you forget that he ever stared on “Saved by the Bell: College Years”.  Casting Ashley Bell as the possessed girl has to be the single greatest idea in the history of Horror, because in real life she is double jointed all over the body, so when those intense Exorcism moments happen, Ashley is able to pull off some of the freakiest moves ever, and I’m not talking about the type of moves you’d see on “Saturday Night Fever.”  The last good thing I wanted to mention is that “The Last Exorcism” is the perfect example on how home-video-styled Horror movies should be made, because as opposed to “The Blair Witch”, or “Paranormal Activity”, this one actually succeeds in being creepy.

The Bad:  I’m not sure how long the movie is, but I am sure it isn’t long enough!  The movie takes a little bit to get going in the beginning, because you have to sit through the “Why I hate my job as a preacher” story, and then once you get used to a ton of scary stuff happening, the movie ends!!  The greatest flaw with this movie was due to the absence of everyone else in the “Saved By The Bell” cast!!  It is my dream that one day a priest will perform an exorcism on Zack and Screech, only to find out the devil was in Zack and Screech was just being himself.

The Ugly:  This is a great one to see with friends, because the whole time you’ll either be scared or laughing at the stupidity of everyone on screen.  It seems that Exorcism movies are being done to death, and Hollywood has even started making the ones “Based” on true stories.  “The Last Exorcism”, although may not be true, is far more original than many of its other movie-brethren. 

P.S. if you ever find yourself surrounded in a hickish area with alligators running around, dead cows, and little red-head kids that are unnaturally calm, then the chances are you’re in Hell.

4 out o 5

#7 Dead Alive

Overview:  Is there any kind of disease a monkey cannot carry, other than IBS?  When Lionel Cosgrove and his overbearing mom take a trip to the zoo, she gets bit by the most disgusting claymation creature ever created… the SPIDER MONKEY!  Once the mom was bit by the monkey’s buttery grill, it slowely turns her into a zombie, so on and so forth.  It’s up to her back-boneless grandson to save the girl, protect his peeps, and tell the mom to shove it.

The Good:  Before Peter Jackson was making us all feel fuzzy inside with hairy footed Hobbits, anal Dwarves, and sexy Elves, he was one of the masters of Horror.  Not only was Peter Jackson good at Horror films, but he’s crafted some of the goriest ones ever made.  As a matter of fact, “Dead Alive” is arguably the bloodiest film to date, but all in good humor.  What I like most about "Dead Alive" is how it holds nothing back with the blood and gore. While being hilarious (because when is blood not hilarious?), there are parts of this movie when there is so much blood that the entire TV screen is painted red; only occasionally do you get a glimpse of one of the other lesser colors.  It’s from seeing this movie that I now understand why Peter Jackson made “Lord of the Rings” the way he did.  There were parts of that fun loving epic that seemed borderline freaky, and I remember several people saying stuff like “He shouldn’t have made it that dark and violent”; well as it turns out dark and violent movies are what he’s good at.  This isn’t going to spoil anything, but by far the best part of the movie is when Lionel faces an entire horde of zombies, and to get rid of them he picks up a push-lawnmower and mows them all down; nothing gives a man a greater testosterone rush than something like that… well, maybe pop-tarts dipped in butter, but who does that right?

The Bad:  It’s not that the acting is bad, because it’s meant to be taken as a funny cheesy movie, but you can tell that Peter Jackson didn’t give a crap about the actors.  It’s like he would start filming a dramatic scene and then yell “You’re making my eyes bleed!!! Let’s spice it up by throwing some blood on everyone!”  There are a lot of people that wouldn’t be able to handle this movie, because there are some things Peter Jackson does with the gore that can cause your stomach to spin.  Next thing you know your tasting that corn-dog from lunch, and you end up hurling all over your date in a projectile manner.

The Ugly:  Yes this movie is dark and gory, but it is freakishly funny!!  Unless you have the stomach of an eighth grade ginger, “Dead Alive” will make you laugh your guts out (Boom shaka laka!!), and you will be wanting Peter Jackson to go back to making films like this… Or he can come out with another “Lord of the Rings” movie, I’m just saying.

31/2 out of 5

#8 The Exorcist

The Overview:  Regan MacNeil's life takes a tragic and horrific turn when the demon known as "Puberty" decides to take over her.  As a result her voice drops horrifically low, her face explodes into the worst acne possible so her grandparents will never kiss her again, and she's hitting on older men who just so happen to be Catholic priests.  Finding out that it wasn't puberty, two priests take on the demon, including one who encountered him once before, and one who has serious doubts about the Exorcism practice.

The Good:  I'm pretty sure it is offensive to almost every Horror movie lover out there that I didn't make "The Exorcist" #1 on my list, and the truth is although I don't think it's the greatest film ever like so many others, it is a classic that till this day can make people with the strongest stomachs churn.  The make-up effects in this movie are phenomenal, and I really feel the filmmakers captured the essence of what it's like to hit puberty, makes sense right?  In all seriousness the make-up effects were truly amazing in showing Regan's health get worse as the demon continued to eat at her.  I'm sure that Linda Blair's school life stunk after starring in this, since all the boys wouldn't wanna date her... would you wanna take a girl to a movie, knowing that her head can spin 360's and barf all over the place? I don't think so girlfriend.  But that's the point, Linda was pulling off some superior acting as the girl being possessed, and it was so convincing that every person in the audience was uncomfortable when someone would enter her room.

The Bad:  This movie is at the top of many people's "Top Ten" lists because it's basically flawless, and the only reason it isn't at the top of mine is because there isn't much to the movie.  It does deliver what it's selling, and that's the shrieks and scares that will give you nightmares for days, but the plot is almost too simple.  The Plot starts with a young girl being possessed, she continually gets worse, and then the priests strive to help her out.  Anything added to the plot would have been cool, including a dance number between Regan and the Devil, or perhaps a musical number where Regan sings the devil out of her... I dunno.

The Ugly:  When asking Horror lovers what their favorite movie is, "The Exorcist" is what they'll tell you 70% of the time, and why shouldn't they?  This is a very well made film, and although it's old, it still has the ability to scare and make you run to the bathroom because you just soiled yourself.

31/2 out of 5

#9 Peacock

Overview:  As if Peacock Nebraska wasn’t enough of a creepy place, resident John Skillpa has a dark secret--he has two personalities.  He goes by posing as a girl named Emma, but no one in town knows about this because he does this in the privacy of his home.  Because some idiot built his house right next to a train track, it was only a matter of time before a drunken train crashed into his property, making his privacy fence not so private anymore.  In a small town everyone knows everyone, and now John has to juggle both of his personalities.

The Good: This is a lot like “Psycho” for obvious reasons, only this movie is better! THERE, I SAID IT!  “Psycho” was a classic, but “Peacock” is a far better story because it’s told in Johns perspective the entire time, instead of just the ending.  Ya’ll know the phrase “You would make an ugly woman”, well that is not the case with actor Cillian Murphy, because when he puts on that wig and make-up, he transforms into an I-don’t-find-you-attractive-but-I-wouldn’t-mind-if-you-made-me-Mickey-Mouse-pancakes-once-in-a-while type of woman; I guess that’s one of the reasons this movie is so creepy.  There aren’t any real shocks or jumpy moments, but the real scare comes from Johns slowly loosing battle with his other personality, and you hope that Emma doesn’t take over by erasing John completely.  Although he is more known for his role in the “Batman” movies and “28 Days Later”, this is by far Cillian Murphy’s best acting job, especially since he’s “theoretically” juggling two roles.  Juno (Ellen Page) is awesome as well, and it’s very uplifting to see her as a slightly Podunk mother.

The Bad:  When I think of how to describe this movie I usually compare it to a nightmare, and I’m not talking about those nightmares where you wake up frightened because Rosie Odonall came out of the bushes with a chainsaw in her hands.  No, this is the kind of nightmare that’s eerie and uncomfortable to experience, and while you’re sleeping you hope that it will all end soon, so that you eventually wake up to the smell of bacon in the morning... Man i'm hungry for pig right now.  Many Die-hard Horror movie fans may be turned off of this movie since It’s not the traditional SHOCKFEST type horror, and so depending on who you are this movie may not be for you.

The Ugly:  Of course this is a great movie! It’s got a Podunk Midwestern town with Cillian Murphy dressed up as a lady… What’s not to love?!  If your looking for a whole lot of SHOCK Horror, then this movie isn’t where it's at, but if you are a person who loves a good creepy story then pop this sucker in the DVD player (or Blue-Ray if you’re rich), and be prepared to give yourself some silent-but-deadly nightmares.  PS. C had nightmares for a while after watching this.

3 out of 5

#10 Invasion Of The Body Snatchers

Overview:  Everyone is San Francisco is changing practically overnight (no surprise there), becoming darker and zombie-like versions of themselves.  It is up to Donald Sutherland and his gang to figure out what the heck is going on… wow that sounded more like an adult version of “The Goonies”, minus the happiness and treasure.

The Good: you can’t go wrong with “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”! Donald Sutherland leads an amazing cast with Jeff Golblum in this incredibly fun and freaky “almost” zombie flick.  I say almost because it involves aliens, as opposed to a virus caused by some irresponsible scientist.  This movie succeeds in being VERY creepy for me, because the thought of everyone changing overnight into a bunch of alien controlled puppets is terrifying!  The Story becomes very gripping, as you watch Sutherland and his friends fight to survive, even though the entire city is now against them, and they are running out of places to escape to.  One last thing I really liked about “invasion..” is the chance to see a young Donald Sutherland and Jeff Golblum, because not only are they “less old”, but they both look like the biggest nerds ever!  Seriously, I bet they play Dungeons and Dragons in order to pass the time at the science lab; the “Big Bang Theory” has nothing on these guys.

The Bad:  Besides the fact that none of the loser-looking actors ever went to prom, except with their cousins, there isn't much bad with this flick.  There are times during the beginning of the movie, where the story has a slow and hard time picking up; it’s almost as if the filmmakers wanted to tell the individual story of every changing resident in San Francisco.  I don’t know why, but there are times when Donald Sutherland’s hair gives me whiplash.  There are times when I think it makes him look awesome and heroic, and then there are times when the perm thing just isn’t working for him; it’s like Meg Ryan’s head got smacked by the bubonic plague.

The Ugly:  This is one of the Horror movie classics, and no one can be a true Horror fan without seeing it.  Although it is a genuinely creepy movie, it can be very fun to watch, and the ending will scare the living daylights out of you.

3 out of 5

My Top Ten: Greatest Horror Films Ever Made

As many of you well know, I am a big fan of the Horror movies!  To me, nothing beats a suspensful film full of nightmarish images, an unpredictable story line, and enough out-of-control content to try the stomachs of the strongest men.  I've viewed several "Top Ten Horror Film" lists, and it is clear to me that many of these people don't know what the crohns they're talking about.  Since everyone is doing an incompetent job, let me educate you on what real Horror is about, and this time there is no doo-doo involved.
P.S. I will be leading up to my all time favorite Horror film by counting down from 10 each day