Rango

Overview:  Spending too much time in a cage can do something to lizards, and that's what happened with our buddy Rango.  Together with his bath-toy-fish Mr. Tibbs, their lives are full-blown INSANE.  After Rango lands in a bunch of crap after a car crash, he finds himself stranded in a desert, thirsty and all alone.  After walking deeper into the desert he stumbles upon what looks like the "Chipmunks" adaptation of the "True Grit" movie.  Pretty soon Rango talks himself up like the second coming of Christ and gains some respect... but will it last?

The Good:  I hope the Johnney Depp/Tim Burton marriage is ok, because it seems like he may be cheating on him with Gore Verbinski. Now I aint no Marriage counselor, but this fling with Verbinski is an affair that I can be ok with.  Rango is definityly a feast for the eyes, and you don't even need the story.  Johnney Depp dishes out his hickish non-British humor and wins the show, right alongside Depp is one of my red-haired peeps Isla Fisher, who plays one heck of a good ADHD lizard.  Practically every animated movie out there is dominated by computer, and it seems like it's getting a bit boring, but Rango provides a new twist on the genre with its combination of "Animal Farm" with "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly".  The movie was actually pretty clever at times, and it fulfilled my awkward dream of seeing a bunch of disgusting rodents talk with the hickiest of Hickerbilly accents.

The Bad:  It's not that the story of the movie was completely horrendus, but I couldn't have cared less.  The animation was original, but the storyline wasn't.  Just like any other hero story, the hero goes into a town full of animals and falls in love with an ADHD lizard... Seriously! I'm sick and tired of seeing hero's make out with other lizards.... freaks.  Now with Wolves it's OK, as we were obviously shown in "Red Riding Hood".  One last bad thing has to do with the whole "talking animals" films. They're driving me insane!  If one more movie about talking animals comes out then i'll have to do something wreckless... like mooning an entire gang of skinheads.  The only time talking-animal movies should be allowed (from now on) is if it's another "Narnia" flick, or a film about a talking Platypus.

The Ugly:  It's not the funniest, nor the most original animated movie I've ever seen, but it is very artistic.  It's a good family movie that will provide good lessons to young-bloods (kids), hickish animals for adults to laugh at, and for pet lizards who can relate to Rango's story.

2 1/2 out of 5

Tales from Earthsea

Overview:  Did you know that middle-earth had a cousin? well he/she did, and its name was Earthsea, which was no doubt coined by a 3-year old who wasn't right in the head.  Out of the blue the entire world of Earthsea is going bananas! People are starting to act funkier than the Jersey Shore cast, and some pretty anal looking dragons are starting to appear everywhere.  Ged is a not-gay-for-Dumbledore wizard who's concerned about all the chaos, and along his quest he teams up with an extremely bipolar adolescent boy named Arren who has a dangerous secret of his own.  Their quest becomes harder as an unnaturally deep-voiced witch named Kumo tries to destroy Ged by using Arren.  Pretty Freaken exciting eh?!

The Good:  Hayao Miyazaki is not only a great animator, but he is (hands down) one of the greatest filmmakers of all time, and it may be argued by many (including me) that HE IS the greatest filmmaker!  As it turns out good film-making runs in the family, as his son Goro Miyazaki begins his directoral debut with "Tales from Earthsea".  Goro is an amazing artist, and there are some images in this movie that stick with you long after the credits.  There were parts of this movie that, much like all the other Miyazaki movies, were so perfectly put together that you just want to fall into a deep sleep, and this is not because the movie is boring, but because it's so beautiful; I liken it to ENYA singing me to sleep... Then C comes home.  Ha!  It's hard to describe this movie, instead you just need to see it.  It's a beautifully drawn, beautifully scored, and beautifully narrated story that has the potential to relax you like a narcotic if you let it.

The Bad:  I did like this movie, and thankfully I've been able to re watch my favorite scenes thanks to my second love which is Netflix, but it's not like the movie doesn't have it's flaws.  I'm a huge Ghibli fan, and Hayao Miyazaki's films are some of my favorites.  Although his son Goro doesn't dissapoint, "Tales from Earthsea" is not on the high alter with the other Ghibli movies like "Spirited Away" or "Howl's Moving Castle"; and that's probably due to some tiny flaws in how the plot is told.

The Ugly:  I strongly recommend everyone to see this, regardless if you like anime or not.  I hate anime with the same burning passion Jack had before he sunk to the depths of the ocean, while his lazy-butt girlfriend rested nicely on the big door.  I hate anime but I love Studio Ghibli's movies, because unlike many other films, they are VERY good at telling stories, and they're very artistic unlike all that Poke'man crap.  Give this movie a chance, and appreciate it as a true work of art.

5 out of 5

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

Overview:  My home-dog Dylan Dog is just your normal detective with the perfect blend of cool "Dragnet" type qualities you would expect, except he sort of has a thing for securing justice among the undead and hairy wolves; he's like a less cool version of "Hellboy".  When another rich-white collector is murdered it sets off a string of unnatural and violent events among the "Monster" community, and it's up to our "Dick Tracy" wannabe to make sure the world doesn't become completely screwed.  All at the same time Dylan helps his friend Marcus come to terms with his new undead makeover, and also to overcome the gag-reflex that comes with his new diet.

The Good:  I love "Dick Tracy" styled movies about as much as the next self-respecting American, because they're just plain awesome.  I love the whole nonchalant attitude that Dylan (played by Superman) gives off, and can I expect any less from an awesome detective? Nada.  It's no surprise to the world that I have a love affair with the Horror Genre, and they are my second love after my beloved wife... then after horror it would have to be nasty buffet food; what can I say I'm patriotic, but I digress.  It makes me happy to know that this is a Horror movie I can show to people who get scared easy, because it's also a comedy that succeeds in being silly all throughout.  Although I'm sure it did scare my young nieces who are still under the age of WAY YOUNG!  Their future night terrors will destroy my status of being an awesome uncle... *Sigh*.

The Bad: Besides possibly terrifying my nieces, this movie just wasn't that exciting.  I wasn't expecting it to have many GOOD scares since it's a Horror/Comedy and all, but I was excited to possibly witness something semi-scary.  Did I find these scary scenes? nope, I was left at the bottom of the pit while being asked to put lotion on.  There were some funny moments, but Sam Huntington's sarcastic comic relief could only go so far, and I knew at some point that he would die in the movie, and I guess technically he did; get it? HE WAS UNDEAD!! I wish I could say something bad about Brandon Routh since it was his movie, but the only people I can blame are the filmmakers for giving him such bad material to work with, because it seemed all he was trying to do was save the movie from taking a crap on itself.  When the movie ends you get one of those anti-climatic feelings that make you want to slam your head against the wall for some excitement, which I didn't do; that welt on my head is a birthmark.

The Ugly:  The only time I would advise seeing this movie is if you're with a bunch of drunken fraternity friends and you have nothing else to talk about, in other words make sure your're in a campy mood and don't expect too much.  A wise Billboard once said "Set your goals low, that way you won't be disappointed with bad results later".  This is what you must do with "Dylan Dog: Dead of Night", and that way you can enjoy it a little bit more

2 out of 5

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Overview:  The same fox from "Grizzley Man" lost his hat stealing job ever since Timothy Treadwell was mauled by the bear, and now he's turned towards a comedic career path.  In this delightful film, Mr. Fox and his hot foxy-wife decide to drop their chicken stealing profession once Mr. Fox found out his wife was impregnated.  Bored with his life, Mr. Fox and his yet to be road-killed possum friend begin stealing chickens again, but the three owners won't stand for this.  Now that he's placed his family and the rest of the rodent population in jeapordy, it's up to Mr. Fox to help save the day and prove once and for all that he truly is fantastic!

The Good:  I may not be the biggest Wes Anderson fan ever, and I especially hated The Royal Tenenbaums, but I was completely taken by suprise with how funny this movie was.  Technically it's only George Clooney's voice, but this has to be my favorite movie he's ever been in, it took a lot to beat "Batman and Robin".  The humor is spot-on all throughout, and all the actors (especially Bill Murray) were inspired.  I was a little skeptical of the quality of the animation just because I have a hard time liking any stopmotion pictures that aren't done by either Tim Burton or Henry Selick, but the skittish and sometimes silly animation only added to the dry sense of humor that Wes Anderson provides.

The Bad:  There are many things that I like dry in the world, including: my bed (but I haven't pee'd it in over a week), Potato chips, and clothing.  Some of the things I don't like too dry includes: Chicken, my mouth, and comedy movies.  I did love this movie a lot, and I often found myself laughing, but just like with every other Wes Anderson movie there are parts that need to be a little bit more moist (much like a normal BM... what? I have Crohn's!!).

The Ugly:  This was a joyfull movie that's perfect for families because it has action and humor that everyone can enjoy.  If you want to get the most out of this flick make sure you have a chore to do around the house, just in case you find some parts a little slow.  When all is said and done, I liken this movie unto a block of cheese and crackers... DELICIOUS!!!

4 1/2 out of 5

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Overview:  After the apes couldn't get enough joy from terrorizing humans in "28 Days Later", they travel across the seas to San Francisco and probe it with a vengeance.  Will Rodman is one of the very few decently-attractive-men-that-are-nerdy-scientists out there, and through experiencing on apes he's been able to develop a potential cure for Alzheimer's!   This drug also has a side effect of making apes too smart for my taste, and after Will's baby monkey (that he should have given birth to) becomes ultra intelligent, he leads a massive army of monkeys in an uprising.... in other words he led a bunch of peace/love/dope hippies back to the forest, much like the 60's.

The Good:  Andy Serkis owned this movie, much like I own the bathroom when my crohns acts up.  I didn't even know actors who did motion capturing could be that good, but alas they can, and there is a great possibility that he'll earn himself an Oscar for this role.  James Franco satisfies me (in the movie-making business) yet again, and he was very good in this movie because he didn't steal the scene whenever he was shown, but he was a great supporting actor in complimenting Andy Serkis' acting job.  Even though I was one of the few who liked Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes" remake, this was the "Ape" film I've been waiting for.  the buildup in this movie is tremendous, and once the ape battle scenes take place in the end I got chills so big that it felt like having a 50 cent ice-cream cone at McDonald's.  This was definitely the best movie I've seen in theaters this summer thus far.


The Bad:  Not much bad with this movie because it's about as perfect as Brad Pitt's teeth, but there is one thing I had beef with... great now I'm hungry.  I wish there were more battle scenes and more killing of the disgusting humans!  Don't worry there is plenty of action going on, but i'm one of those ultra-Horror-loving freaks that wants more.

The Ugly:  See it, it may not sound that appealing at first because it's about a bunch of anal monkeys, but it is totally worth it.  Not only is the best movie of the summer, but it's the best "Planet of the Apes" movie in general.  It's a serious, gritty, hairy, and toothy movie that'll make you want to terrorize other people APE STYLE!

5 out of 5

30 Minutes or Less

Overview: Being a pizza delivery guy once again proves to be one of the worst professions ever! After Nick delivers a delicious pizza to a couple doofuses dressed up like cast members from "Planet of the Apes", they knock him out and he wakes up with a bomb strapped to his chest; and this time he can't pull an "Iron Man" and get out of it.  the two bozos named Dwayne and Travis want to get rich but don't want to get their hands dirty, so they get nick and his friend to steal the money for them because he was such a speedy pizza delivery guy;

The Good:  This movie made my funny bone go absolutely bananas!!!  Much like "Horrible Bosses" there wasn't a single actor in this movie that wasn't funny (in my opinion), even Mark Zuckerberg was hilarious.  The Scene that was particularly joyful was the actual bank robbery scene (don't freak out, it's in the trailers), where the lady throws the gun to the wall and it shoots the man in the foot; "Who throws a gun like that?!!!"  My special appreciation goes out to Aziz Ansari, who single handily saves every slightly boring moment in the movie by saying something so stupid that my IQ drops 10 points, and now i der ner how spell?  The bad guys were quite joyful, and the only bad thing they did was waste a perfectly formed pizza.

The Bad:  Although C and I thought this movie was funny, it wasn't exactly funny ALL the way through.  There were some parts that I thought the movie was going to fail, had it not been for Aziz Ansari's brilliant stupidity to save the day (see people, being a nerd does have it's perks).  One last problem C and I had with this flick was that there was no real in-depth plot, and instead you got what you were expecting.

The Ugly:  This may not be the biggest kids movie ever, and it may not have the widest plot, but it is so funny I came that close (and that's pretty close) to lizzing.  Anyone who graduates from High School and refuses to do anything with their live should see this movie before taking action, because the only benefits you get are wasted pizzas, dorky friends, and picking each other's noses.

3 1/2 out of 5

Season of the Witch

Overview:  Realizing that the Crusades weren't such a good thing (ga-der!), Behmen and Hellboy decide to desert the murderous crusade and... walk a lot?  Eventually they're caught by some ugly UGLY peasants and will receive amnesty from the church in exchange for some otter-pops and a risky errand.  The task is to transport a suspected witch to a remote Cathedral to be accused... it could be that she isn't a witch, and maybe she was just having a series of disputes with her BFFs at school.  While transporting the girl our two heroes begin to wonder if she really is a witch, especially since she speaks in tongues (most likely from Spanish 101), can drop her voice like a beautiful sounding bass instrument, and she basically tries to kill them multiple times... THAT WITCH!!

The Good:  When I saw the trailer for this movie I laughed as much as the red-headed bully from "A Christmas Story", because I knew that it was going to royally suck.  Not only did I discover that the movie was actually good, but it's actually a way better plague movie than "Black Death" was.  The Acting (to my amazement  was pretty good, especially from my boy Ron Perlman, nothing brought me more joy than seeing him go all "Hellboy" on the innocent people in the crusades... well maybe my wedding was more joyus.  Probably the biggest way the movie surprised me was how I first assumed it was another crummy "Lord of the Rings" wannabe like "In The Name of the King" was, but instead it was like a medieval version of "The Exorcist".  at times this was a legit scary movie with a great story line and excellent build up all throughout.

The Bad:  The only bad part of this movie I could find was the lack of love scenes... ha, just kidding... or am I?  The one flaw was with some of the special effects.  They are really not that bad, but that itchy/scary feeling leaves a little bit when the movie's effects become a bit too fantastical.  The other thing that made a vein in my head burst was how all the characters were in Europe, and yet none of them had accents! What the heck?  When I hear witches accused tortured and burned, I want to believe it for real! ha; dark was it not?

The Ugly:  This movie didn't do that well in the theaters, probably because everyone assumed it was just another chance for Nicolas Cage to shove his face in your bubble, and that's usually true but it's not the case with this one.  Ya'll need to give this movie a chance, because it takes Action Adventure and Horror, and it blends them together to make a fun ride.  Oh yeah, the actress ho plays the witch-girl is amazing!

4 out of 5

AMC what have you done?!

Same Old Song:  TV for a long time was really predictable and boring (still kinda is), and it lacked anything original.  That's why you see about a billion different "Law and Order's", "CSI"s, and a "Jersey Shore: Italy"?  I pity the brain of the fool who watches that show and takes it seriously, it's only a matter of time before Italy drops a bomb on the U.S. for such a disturbing crime.

Praise Frank Darabont!:  just when I thought I was about to sink into despair (in other words, watch an infomercial) I saw that there was a new zombie TV show coming out called "The Walking Dead", and since I love zombies and am semi-fan of the graphic novels (I've only read so much, doesn't mean I don't like them), I figured this show could be my salvation.  Frank Darabont's "Walking Dead" blew me away, and seriously there was crap all over the place afterwards.  It's no surprise how good it was, especially since Frank is the director of some of the greatest movies ever made, including: "The Shawshank Redemption", "The Green Mile", and in my opinion, "The Mist", and "The Majestic".  "The Walking Dead" had the big production values of a major motion picture, yet it was an hour long series on TV, and so it was very impressive to behold.

Curse AMC:  After my daily checking of Horror news on Fear.Net, it was to my own Horror to see that AMC has fired our beloved Frank Darabont!!  Apparently (at least from what I've read), they got rid of him because they felt they could hire someone to make the show a little bit cheaper and not as grand.  I'm not going to dispute that Frank Darabont can be a little expensive at times, and "Walking Dead" defiantly reeked of that, but he's the person who made the show AS GOOD AS IT WAS!!!  Last time I checked the show won several awards, got huge ratings, satisfied zombie fans ho have yet to commune with other people and fall in love, and was known to be "The Best Show of the Year" - Entertainment Weekly.  I'm sure that I'll still be watching the show after Frank leaves, but i'm sure I'll have a bucket of cheap no-name brand ice-cream by my side.

What the Future Holds?:  Although the TV people will get what they want by not spending that much money on the show, the danger behind that is the possibility that "The Walking Dead" will be just another one of those crappy shows on the SYFY network... My apologies to SYFY, I actually do love some of your shows, you just need to get rid of 99% of your original movies before my heart explodes.  Hopefully they will keep Frank Darabont on as one of the staff at least, because it was his storytelling that made this show so successful in the beginning.

George A. Romero's Deadtime Stories

The Overview:  In this spooky scary movie, also known as "Creepshow IV", George A. Romero is finally honest with us about what scares him the most.  Some of these Phobias include nutty cannibalistic natives of South America, any kind of mermaid including that demon red-head from Disney's "The Little Mermaid", and crazy teenage-hormone-driven Vampires.  With the help of other filmmakers, Romero gives Horror fans three short movies that are sure to make you lock the door, with the fear that one of your phobias will break in... Mine is Rosie O' Donnell.  The thought of her breaking in my house with a mullet scares me more than the Devil himself.

The Good:  Horror movies do tickle my fancy to the utmost, but sometimes an upper lower class ginger doesn't want to sit through one that's longer than 2 hours.  The Grandfather of Horror read my mind perfectly by presenting me with three 30 minute movies that I can watch in more than one sitting.  I don't know if Romero was just trying to revisit the time when he made "Creepshow", but these movies do add to the collection of his other creepy/fun works.  There is the one story in particular about the mermaid that terrified me, which is confusing because I thought mermaids where all a bunch of red-head hotties that travel with talking crabs and Seagulls that don't seem right in the head.  "Deadtime Stories" is a simple Horror experience that doesn't require too much, and is just meant to be laughed at and enjoyed

The Bad:  The actors in this movie obviously don't know how to act, because throughout the whole film I felt like Pepper spraying them all in the eyes... but when I realized that pepper spraying the TV wouldn't work, I did it to myself and then cried like Oliver Twist did after being denied more cereal!  Just because these movies were conducted by Romero doesn't mean that they're master pieces, and you'll see that in the crappy production values that are usually reserved for SYFY original movies.

The Ugly:  The Production values may stink about as much as that possum I ran over a few years ago, and the acting may be compared to the value of Rosie O'Donnell's life, but I enjoyed this movie.  "George A. Romero's Deadtime Stories" was a film I could watch while at the same time doing chores around the house... yes, I actually clean the house.  It's not like I sit in my own filth...errr, gotta go!

2 1/2 out of 5

Captain America

Overview:  Steve Rogers is a strange little boy whose hobbies include: being a wallflower at dances, getting the crap beat out of him in alleys, and falling in love with women who are WAY out of his league.  Knowing that Steve would be the worst soldier ever, he kept on getting rejected from the Army, that is until the Pedophile from "The Lovely Bones" comes along and gives him the chance of a lifetime;  Steve becomes the part of a SUPER-human experiment.  Once he's strapped in to the ultra-powerful (yep primitive) Bow-flex machine filled with the glowy liquid from rave parties, he becomes the patriotic hunk that all the ladies enjoy wooing over, while the guys look to him as a brother.  Together with the U.S. Army Captain America battles with a Nazi that had too much Tabasco sauce as a kid, while trying to win the war at the same time.

The Good:  Let it be known that I'm not the biggest fan of comic book movies, unless it's something by Guillermo del Toro, the "Hulk", or "Thor", but this movie wasn't that bad.  It wasn't only a good movie, it also made me feel strangely patriotic enough that I felt like eating an entire Thanksgiving meal at the Golden Corral.  The Action was awesome all throughout, especially the (SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT) part when a man gets chopped into ground beef when going through the propeller.  Even though C thought he was silly, I actually liked Hugo Weaving as the no-nosed-Nazi, the only reason she didn't like him is because she thought he looked like Jim Carrey from "The Mask", and she was afraid of an inevitable Brazilian-musical number.  Can't say anything bad about Chris Evans, the man is likened unto a bowl of ice-cream... simply pleasant.

The Bad:  The movie was far more entertaining than I thought it would be, and I won't say much since I fear the uprising of the ultimate "Captain America" nerds.  It seems like at times during the movie I kept saying to myself "Who cares about all the mushy stuff, can't you go kill some more Nazis' already?!"  It was definitely a fun comic book/popcorn/summer movie to see, but in some areas it falls short; put it this way, it will never be a "Dark Knight".  I'm also starting to get the feeling that Hollywood is saying "Alright worms! Lets poop out the last Avenger movie so we can start making 'The Avengers'".

The Ugly:  Traditionally this is not the kind of movie I would ever seen in the theaters, but after seeing it and thinking about it in the bathtub afterwards, I realized that it was a fun ride.  Don't go see this movie alone, because not only will you be depressed, but you'll forever hate the U.S. and eventually move to the Middle-east.

3 out of 5

Grizzly Man

Overview:  Timothy Treadwell is quite the (oblivious) happy camper, with his grizzly bears in a remote area of Alaska.  After living with the bears for 13 summers (Holy Heck!) Timothy and his girlfriend are surprisingly mauled to death, and thus ended his job of protecting the bears... They didn't even give him two weeks notice!  It was his goal not only to protect the bears, but to also help people understand the good nature of the grizzlies, alas he proved himself wrong when he was killed; as it turns out grizzlies aren't stuffed with fluff like Winnie the Pooh, instead they're filled with blood n' guts, and a murderous rage that will come to all red heads within their grasps.

The Good:  Director Werner Herzog (Nosferatu the Vampyre) is one of the most original filmmakers in history, and apparently he is very skilled at documentaries.  Even though this Timothy Treadwell is a nut-job, who has no doubt been watching "Winnie the Pooh" and "Will and Grace" too much, he also did what many consider to be impossible.  This non-gay wildlife preservationist ( he makes it very clear he's straight in the movie) becomes a very lovable person who led a pretty remarkable life.  By far the best part of this movie is the ending with that song I like, I don't know what it's called, but it's about as catchy as a katty Perry song... err, Metallica?

The Bad: It's not that I don't love bears, it's just I think their bloodthirsty demon animals that either belong in an Anthony Hopkins movie, or as a rug on my kitchen floor... preferably polar bear because I hear their fur feels quite comfy on human toes, but I digress.  There are parts of this movie that feel less like a documentary, and feel more like an incredibly BORING episode of Animal Planet.  The worst part of this movie is Timothy Treadwell's accent, which sounds like a gay pirate who was raised in a Albanian orphanage since birth. Sounds pretty bad eh?

The Ugly:  This is a pretty good documentary, and I'm not the biggest fan of them unless they're about zombies, Paris Hilton, or Metallica; you know, the things that matter.  Even though Timothy was most likely dropped down the stairs one too many times as a child, he is still the kind of person you look up to.  Great movie by a great Director.

2 1/2 out of 5

The Eagle

Overview:  Realizing he made a mistake by joining the crappy G.I. Joe squad, Channing Tatum decided to take a trip back in time.  Once upon a time in a land far away, Britan was not a safe place to be in the 2nd century, and because the Romans and the Britains were fighting over a woman (or something) they had a large wall dividing the south of the island from the North.  Marcus Aquila is tired of people making fun of his daddy, because several years ago his dad took thousands of men with him into the north, and not only did the savages (who looked like Ewoks by the way) kill a vast majority of them, but they also took an important emblem that signified the honor of Rome.  Because Marcus is such a daddy's boy, he and his slave Billy Elliot embark on a non-"Brokeback Mountain" quest together in order to find the expensive bird and claim it for Rome once again.

The Good:  I really don't know why I like Channing Tatum so much.  Even though he stars in a lot of crap (see my G.I. Joe review) he still manages to entertain; the only time he sucked was in "Fighting", and don't get me started on that piece of toilet waste.  I liked my man Channing in this movie, and the whole time I kept saying to C "WILL YOU PLEASE PUT THE KNIFE DOWN?!!", followed by "I feel like this is Channing Tatum's ideal role, and he should star in more movies like this".  I was not disappointed by the action.  In a War Epic I generally want more battle scenes than story line, and it seems I got what I wanted, much like getting some candy at a parade right before all the kids lunge themselves at you like raptors with hernias.  Jamie Bell was also great as the friend, and it made me happy that throughout the whole movie he didn't do ballet dancing once!  If that was the case, he would be the first to die in battle, because the enemy would feel so shameful watching him dance that killing him would be the only way to help.

The Bad:  Although it's claiming to be a "Grand Epic", I was definitely having a hard time seeing the "Grand" in any of it.  The movie was fun, and it did get C to put the knife down and seize trying to kill me, but the movie id definitely not comparable to one of Ridley Scott's epics.  One other thing I didn't like was the infamous "Seal Tribe" from the north, in other words (I thought) they looked ridiculous.  First of all their face paint was just straight mud, like they rolled in it like piggies, and that's not hard to do because I do it all the time!  And for once I'd like not to be made a fool out of.  Next time I hear about a "Seal Tribe", I would like for them to actually show up in SEAL COSTUMES!!  They need to ditch the mud and head to the nearest Dollar Tree to buy some seal apparel, because to me nothing sounds more frightening than a bunch of armed seals coming at me...

The Bad:  Although it may not be a Grand War Epic since it's mostly based around two guys, it is still a very good War Epic that can easily be watched more than once.  The acting was amazing, the action was SWEET, the ballet dancing was non-existent, and I felt like a man afterwards... I even had ribs last night, and I ate them without any etiquette!

3 out of 5

9

Overview:  The World has ended, and it's all because nobody learned anything from "The Matrix".  After Doc finished helping the curious teenager with the Oedipus complex in "Back to the Future", he created 9 not-as-creepy-as-they-claim-to-be dolls to save the world; after the last human has kicked the bucket.  Although these dolls are the size as a toe with an ingrown nail, they band together like Siamese twins and try to save the world from the machines... Ted Theodore Logan was nowhere to be found.

The Good:    C is not the biggest fan of post-Apocalyptic movies, but this time I thought her heart would be softened since it's about renegade dolls... nope I was wrong.  I, however, love post-Apocalyptic movies, and this visionary work of art was an excellent addition to my depressed collection.  Shane Acker, like Guillermo del Toro, was extremely creative in how he made this film.  Every shot in the movie looks like something you would see in an art exhibit (especially if it's Tim Burton's home), and Mr. Burton seamlessly blends his Gothic art into this post-apocalyptic world as well.

The Bad:  It's a good thing I wasn't taking a bath, having toast, and watching this movie at the same time, because then i'd be just another dead ginger the world doesn't need.  I went into this movie thinking it'd be a fun Tim Burton movie about dolls, and that it'd be more like "Alice In Wonderland", but I was wrong.  There isn't anything wrong with the movie, I just hope everyone else is prepared before watching it, because about 2 seconds after the intro, all my giddy-happiness vanished from my eyes... like when I watched the edited version of "Titanic" on TV! haha, just kidding folks.

The Ugly:  If you're an artistic person like me, then this movie will be a feast for the eyes.  Don't let the depressing story line get the best of you, and avoid having a toaster near the tub.  Instead enjoy the movie for what it is, and eat your popcorn with joy, knowing that you have it 10-times better than those creepy dolls do.

4 out of 5

Red Riding Hood

Overview:  The small village of Daggerhorn has more wrong with it than just the name, it's also plagued by a Werewolf that kills at random, and shortens their bacon supply by killing the pigs left by the town as a sacrefice. Life in the town is hard for Valerie as she STRUGGLES with being pretty, ironically having plenty of make-up for such a primeval town, and juggling relationships with two boys who look as if they've been living with the Cullens for a while... Or the lead singer from HIM.   Soon the Priest from Hell arrives in town with a job to get rid of Old Yeller, but this can prove to be difficult since anyone in town could be the wolf!  It's most likely the kid who exploded with facial hair at the ripe old age of 12.

The Good:  I don't know who was in charge of the set designs in this movie, but not only does that man deserve a raise, he also deserves an all-you-can-eat dinner-buffet at Golden Correl, my treat.  As cheesy as it may have looked, the trees in the forest looked brutal.  Not only did they have thorns on them, but they were the size of a Prius!  The Wolf was pretty cool as well, there were times during the film that I wanted to insert myself into the storyline and pet the overly-peeved-off dog to my hearts content; at the same time yelling "Poofy Dish!"  Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe the wolf just wanted to be petted and whispered sweet nothings in it's ear? Aside from the fact that this movie is cheesy enough to fill a deep-dish pizza, it actually had some decent twists in it.

The Bad:  "So kids, did you finish the script i've been asking about?"
"Yes Mr. Tibbs we hope you like it, we drawered the pictures myselves as well."
"Well time will tell you little writers you... (roughly 2 hours later)... Get out of my classroom right now, and don't forget to slam your head into the door on the way out."
"But Mr. Tib..."-
-"Silence! I'll never watch movies the same way again, and you may have increased my desire to walk myself into oncoming traffic. Now be gone, before I give you crohns."
That is the best way for me to describe this precious work of art.  Being a fan of scary movies I had high hopes for this one, but alas they were shattered once again, much like my reaction in finding out lady gaga's a woman.  First of all it's as cheesy as an episode of "Barney" mixed with "Days of our lives", and to top all that it's like the director took all that was bad about the "Twilight Saga" and applied it to this dump as well.

The Ugly:  Unless you lose all confidence in life, I'd prefer not watching this film.  There were times that it looked amazing, and the designs were quite pleasant to look at, but even the designer dude could not save this movie from it'self.  Go ahead and watch it, then shove your head in the oven.

0 out of 5

The Tourist

Overview:  Frank is just a simple Johnny Depp dopelganger making his way across Europe, until he runs into Elise; this lady looks like the Devil’s mistress and dresses like she’s 2 decades behind everyone else.   Using the same skills she used to seduce Brad Pitt, she "leads Frank on" like a cheerleader at a High School prom, and gets him involved in all sorts of drama with the (British version of the) FBI and a wanna-be Russion gangster.  Full with deceit, fabio-less passionate love, and lots of boats, the two love-doves avoid these people like they’re SARS. 

The Good:  The entire film is visually stunning, and makes me want to dawn 80’s apparel and drink 100 year old wine, or in my case a glass of 2-week old grape juice (from Welches brand, that way I live on the edge).  The acting wasn’t too bad, and I actually thought that Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie did good jobs with what they were given, even though they were screaming out “I’m Rick James BI@%$!!” Wait they didn’t say that, they said “I’m hot and you know it” throughout the WHOLE movie.  I did like the ending of the movie a lot though, but unless I want my house to be tee-pee’d I’m going to avoid giving that away.

The Bad:  I love how this movie claimed to be a Thriller, even though the part of me the movie "thrilled" was my desire to use the toilet.  There was practically no plot for a caperish-type movie that’s supposed to be built on suspense and deceit; I ended up watching a 1½ hour fashion show featuring Jolie and Depp strutting their wealthy butts all across Venice.  At one point I almost preferred watching “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End”, thus allowing my head to explode because of too much plot coming my way. Instead I kept thinking to myself “Alright I get it! Angelina’s hot, and her jawline is chizzled to perfection by God’s angels!  Johnney, you are no doubt one of God's greatest creations".

The Ugly:  The part of my soul obsessed with wanderlust really liked this movie, because it felt more like a tour guide video, with my guides being two of the hottest actors ever! (I speak of Jolie… or course).  Make sure you don’t expect too much from the storyline, because if you do then you might be drivin to a murderous rage like I… wasn’t?  Listen that Irish family was not my fault!!!!

½ out of 5

Nosferatu the Vampyre

Overview:  Oh happy day!  Dracula and Voldemort were able to conceive a child with the help of dark-arts and modern science, and that baby’s name is... albino Dracula? Well mazol tov to you both!  Ok that may not be true, but this inspired version of Dracula does look like Voldemort has been wiping his nose all over it.  Selling a Wismar estate to Count Dracula seemed like the perfect way for Jonathan Harker to earn his fortune.  After completely ignoring the Romanian hippies with the handle-bar mustaches, John walks up to Dracula‘s castle like a doofus and sets off a chain of unfortunate events with the buck-toothed vampire and his town of Wismar.  Meanwhile Lucy (Jonathan’s not-mina fiancé) worries about his return and has to avoid the Count as he acts all “chester-creepy” around her. 

The Good:  I have always heard about the movie “Nosferatu” from nerdy websites, but I never had the desire to see it, because the buffoon-looking vampire reminded me too much of Batboy from The Weekly World News.  Eventually I took a shower, cut my nails, and watched this movie; it did not disappoint at all.  I have seen both the original silent version and the remake, and although they are both good, the remake has got to be one of the greatest Gothic-Horror movies ever made… yes people, “Winnie The Pooh” no longer holds that title.  Klaus Kinski is perfect as the Count, and is almost too perfect at times; it’s like he’s had a lot of practice acting that creepy…  We definitely need to keep him away from our Elementry Schools, and Subways because I want to eat my $5 foot long sub without having to worry about throwing up.  Although the movie is old, there are some downright scary scenes in this movie!  Usually in vampire movies the blood sucker makes his way slowly to the single-white-female while she is sleeping.  In Nosferatu he goes to the girl (and John) slowly with his disgustingly uncut nails, while his victims are LOOKING RIGHT AT HIM!!  I don’t know about ya’ll, but that gives me the goosepimples.

The Bad:  there isn’t all the cool symphony-style music going on like there was in the original.  There are parts where that isn’t such a bad thing though, because although classical music is quite lovely to my ears, it can get so boring that I end up gnawing on the blue-blooded couple sitting next to me in the overly decorated theater.  I did wish that there was a little bit more music in the remake though, after all it is one of the key factors to the original movie’s success, but ya can’t always get what you want right? Like how I want a Big-Mac that looks exactly like the one on the billboard… I’m going to kill that clown, and until he gets me that Big-Mac I’m not going to smile, I’m going to plot his unfunny doom!

The Ugly: If you were disturbed by Batboy from The Weekly World News, or if you ever tortured yourself by reading that magazine in the first place, I encourage you to give this movie a try.  In my mind it is without a doubt the best Vampire movie ever made, and although it’s not true to Bram Stoker’s novel, it’s an inspired adaptation that will have Bram Stoker rolling in his grave with glee.

5 out of 5

Catfish

Overview:  In this shocking sequel to “Social Network” Nev Schulman joins the rest of the nieve-online-idiots wholive their lives on facebook.  He befriends the perfect family over the internet, and becomes digitally twitterpated with one of the daughters (Megan).  After the cyber-love grows to a certain level of disgusting intimacy, and they’ve poked each other enough times, Nev decides to track Megan and her family down so he can confess his undying 2-week love to her.  Documented by his brother and friend, the three begin their giddy car-ride down.

The Good:  There is only so much I can say about this movie without giving the ending away, and that would be a bad thing because the ending is one of the most shocking I’ve ever seen on film. We live in a world now where people are obsessed with “The Facebook”, and I’m not going to pretend I’m not one of them, but there are some people who are SO obsessed with checking their “life” it’s pathetic… like an awkward homeless person.  I love this film because it’s a huge wake-up call to people who live their exclusively on the internet; it persuades them to actually try talking and dating to people IN PERSON, just like what our ancestors used to do in pioneer times (aka less than a decade ago). 

The Bad:  The main character in this movie thinks he’s someone he’s not.  Nev spends a lot of time on camera with his shirt off, as if that’s what the audience wants to see!  Yuk!  That mans chest is so hairy it not only rivals Austin Power’s chest, but I at one time thought I saw an endangered condor fly out of it.  Matthew McConaughey and the “Twilight” cast would be ashamed.

The Ugly:  This is a realistic thriller that has unsettling suspense all throughout, almost as much as “INSIDIOUS”.  If you are a staunch computer nerd, then it’s about time you got your finger out of your nose, threw all the Hot-Pockets out, and sit your glutious maximus on the couch to view this movie.  “Catfish” is a harsh reality check that everyone in this day and age should see.

3 ½ out of 5

Definitly, Maybe

Overview:  Before Ryan Reynolds dawned the Green Lantren suit he was having some significant family issues, and he went by the name Will Hayes.  Since Will and his wife wanted to get divorced, his potty-mouthed daughter Maya demands to know why, and will continue shouting out bodyparts in public until her dad explains it.  Fearfull that his daughter will be thrown into sex rehab (what kind of Elementry School teaches that subject? Definitly no thanks to you MTV), Will decides to tell the story of his soon to be x-wife along with the other beautiful lasses he fell in love with during the years.

The Good:  I'm a man who loves to weep.  I like to weep at Halmark cards (when you look at the back of the card, gets me every time), I like to weep at a sad ENYA song, and I LOOVE to weep at a sappy Romantic Comedy/Drama.  This movie didn't make me ball, but it did make my eyes water up like a broken washing machine just like what "Toy Story 3" did.  I'm having a hard time thinking of when Ryan Reynolds wasn't good in a movie, and the only example I could come up with was "X-Men Origens", but that's because his lips were sealed shut and he had swords coming out of his hands....... wait who am I kidding? that was awesome!  Whenever the time comes that the world see's Ryan in a bad movie, we will know that the Apocolypse is upon us.  Abigail Breslin as the lovingly curious daughter was not only hilarious, but suprisingly realistic, because when everyone received the Sex-Talk in school we were still confused... To me it was all related to "Star Wars".  I forgot to mention, the best Actress (politically incorrect, I know) was Isla Fisher, maybe it was her red hair because I'm out to support my people who will inevitably becom extinct.  She was really fun to watch, and stole the scene every single time.

The Bad:  I hate how several Rom-Coms feel that in order to make a great romance they have to have about 80 stories going on at once!  If you want to see why it's becoming such a bad thing, then check out "New York I Love You", C and I wanted to stick out heads in the microwave.  "Definitly, Maybe" doesn't have too many stories going on at once, but there are times when I got lost trying to figure out which girl Ryan Reynolds was talking about. 

The Ugly:  This is a perfect Romantic Comedy that suprisingly enough the whole family can enjoy.  It has a happy ending but with a twist, so prepare to have your minds blown away, then make sure to bring a towel to clean up the mess or at least a tissue to wipe up your tears... for the women only though, because I don't cry at things... uh, I eat raw lamb for breakfast?!

3 out of 5