Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

In this 10^th installment of the Harry Potter Franchise, we see Percy (Harry Potter) team back up with his friends Annabeth (Hermione) and Grover (Ron) to save their magical camp (Hogwarts) from those who are trying to destroy it (Deatheaters).  As it turns out all those monsters (Deatheaters) who are out in the sea really hate the camp (Hogwarts) that Percy (Potter) is a part of, and so in order to destroy it they seek to revive (using the sorcerer’s stone) the great evil one who conjured up so much evil in the past (Voldemort).  Now of course I’m kidding when I say that this movie is just like Harry Potter, because it’s totally different… HAHA yeah right! Like fun it’s not!  Other than being totally unoriginal, one other drawback this movie contains is that it’s about as cheesy as Facing the Giants, as a deep dish pizza, or about as cheesy as any other Christian made movie in the history of Cinema, except for the Narnia films, because those movies are dope!  Now I’m not saying this movie was totally sucky, because there were some pretty awesome battle scenes taking place, and my wife thought it was cool to see certain monsters since she teaches Mythology as one of her classes.  I just have trouble with people in Hollywood and certain writers just piggy-backing off of themes that are mainstream in the teenage culture.  You see this the most with the movies that came after Twilight, because after that glittery vampire made love to the depressing Bella we started seeing movies like Warm Bodies, Beautiful Creatures, Mortal Instruments, Vampire Diaries, SNL’s Firelight, True Blood and The Originals.  After Harry Potter was made, we started seeing movies like The Golden Compass (which flunked), Spiderwick Chronicles and the Percy Jackson movies.  Like I mentioned previously, there are some redeemable qualities of the second Percy Jackson movie, but the filmmakers are kidding themselves if they think that they are going to create a franchise that resembles anything even closely related to the success of the Harry Potter films.

 1 1/2 out of 5

PROM

Overview:  Oh boy, it's that time of the year where a bunch of angsty tweens get together to celebrate... freak-dancing with each other and hoping they'll get a smoochie?  Nova Prescott is your A-typical preppy class president who acts like a Stepford wife and still thinks the world is full of rainbows, which it isn't... unless your in San Francisco. BAM!  Everything is looking peachy for Nova's Prom night, that is until the school bad boy began helping her with the decorations as a punishment, and he doesn't want to because it would ruin his nonchalant (I've seen how bleak life can be and that's my reason for riding this motorcycle and dressing like a gay pirate) attitude. Will Nova and the rest of her high school peers have the prom they've always dreamed of, or will it blow like a whale struggling for breathe?

The Good:  Since C and I first got together, I noticed how she's poisoning me slowly.  I used to stay away from Disney cheesy crap like this, but now I'm finding myself loving it with the blinds down.  This film has everything an ultra cheesy high school chick flick needs, including: the bad boy who acts like he doesn't care about anyone and dresses like he used to work at Abrocrombe and Fitch, a football players who like to two-time women, and the ditsy class president who thinks that everything is going to be easy after high school.  This movie is massively ridiculous, but that's what C and I like so much about it; nothing brings us more happiness and self-esteem than watching a bunch of loser teenagers think they know squat about dating.

The Bad:  I take this about as seriously as "High School Musical" and saving the polar bears... I couldn't care less, and i'm sure that a majority of all people who see this movie will agree with me; I just don't take high schoolers seriously.  other than that there's not much about this movie that sucks, except the teenage love at times can make you want to hurl, so it all depends on how well you stomach that vomit-worthy lovey-dovey "I'll marry you right after high school" stuff.

The Ugly:  Not bad is this movie be thee says I.  If you are a person like me and likes to make fun of naive high-schoolers, then this movie is the perfect choice!  Or if you are the kind of person who eats the Jane Austen cereal for breakfast then this is also the perfect choice, but beware it might give you cavities.

3 1/2 out of 5

Red Riding Hood

Overview:  The small village of Daggerhorn has more wrong with it than just the name, it's also plagued by a Werewolf that kills at random, and shortens their bacon supply by killing the pigs left by the town as a sacrefice. Life in the town is hard for Valerie as she STRUGGLES with being pretty, ironically having plenty of make-up for such a primeval town, and juggling relationships with two boys who look as if they've been living with the Cullens for a while... Or the lead singer from HIM.   Soon the Priest from Hell arrives in town with a job to get rid of Old Yeller, but this can prove to be difficult since anyone in town could be the wolf!  It's most likely the kid who exploded with facial hair at the ripe old age of 12.

The Good:  I don't know who was in charge of the set designs in this movie, but not only does that man deserve a raise, he also deserves an all-you-can-eat dinner-buffet at Golden Correl, my treat.  As cheesy as it may have looked, the trees in the forest looked brutal.  Not only did they have thorns on them, but they were the size of a Prius!  The Wolf was pretty cool as well, there were times during the film that I wanted to insert myself into the storyline and pet the overly-peeved-off dog to my hearts content; at the same time yelling "Poofy Dish!"  Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe the wolf just wanted to be petted and whispered sweet nothings in it's ear? Aside from the fact that this movie is cheesy enough to fill a deep-dish pizza, it actually had some decent twists in it.

The Bad:  "So kids, did you finish the script i've been asking about?"
"Yes Mr. Tibbs we hope you like it, we drawered the pictures myselves as well."
"Well time will tell you little writers you... (roughly 2 hours later)... Get out of my classroom right now, and don't forget to slam your head into the door on the way out."
"But Mr. Tib..."-
-"Silence! I'll never watch movies the same way again, and you may have increased my desire to walk myself into oncoming traffic. Now be gone, before I give you crohns."
That is the best way for me to describe this precious work of art.  Being a fan of scary movies I had high hopes for this one, but alas they were shattered once again, much like my reaction in finding out lady gaga's a woman.  First of all it's as cheesy as an episode of "Barney" mixed with "Days of our lives", and to top all that it's like the director took all that was bad about the "Twilight Saga" and applied it to this dump as well.

The Ugly:  Unless you lose all confidence in life, I'd prefer not watching this film.  There were times that it looked amazing, and the designs were quite pleasant to look at, but even the designer dude could not save this movie from it'self.  Go ahead and watch it, then shove your head in the oven.

0 out of 5