Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

In this 10^th installment of the Harry Potter Franchise, we see Percy (Harry Potter) team back up with his friends Annabeth (Hermione) and Grover (Ron) to save their magical camp (Hogwarts) from those who are trying to destroy it (Deatheaters).  As it turns out all those monsters (Deatheaters) who are out in the sea really hate the camp (Hogwarts) that Percy (Potter) is a part of, and so in order to destroy it they seek to revive (using the sorcerer’s stone) the great evil one who conjured up so much evil in the past (Voldemort).  Now of course I’m kidding when I say that this movie is just like Harry Potter, because it’s totally different… HAHA yeah right! Like fun it’s not!  Other than being totally unoriginal, one other drawback this movie contains is that it’s about as cheesy as Facing the Giants, as a deep dish pizza, or about as cheesy as any other Christian made movie in the history of Cinema, except for the Narnia films, because those movies are dope!  Now I’m not saying this movie was totally sucky, because there were some pretty awesome battle scenes taking place, and my wife thought it was cool to see certain monsters since she teaches Mythology as one of her classes.  I just have trouble with people in Hollywood and certain writers just piggy-backing off of themes that are mainstream in the teenage culture.  You see this the most with the movies that came after Twilight, because after that glittery vampire made love to the depressing Bella we started seeing movies like Warm Bodies, Beautiful Creatures, Mortal Instruments, Vampire Diaries, SNL’s Firelight, True Blood and The Originals.  After Harry Potter was made, we started seeing movies like The Golden Compass (which flunked), Spiderwick Chronicles and the Percy Jackson movies.  Like I mentioned previously, there are some redeemable qualities of the second Percy Jackson movie, but the filmmakers are kidding themselves if they think that they are going to create a franchise that resembles anything even closely related to the success of the Harry Potter films.

 1 1/2 out of 5

Cabin in the Woods

Why can't pointless college douche bags abstain from renting out crappy skunk-infested cabins located in the most shady areas of the Forrest   Nothing good comes from those places!  Weird swamp people come out of the ground, people get their hands chopped off and replace them with Chainsaws, and some develop a violent fever that resembles something like the dreaded pig-flu.  Unless you're angry in-bred rednecks, the forest is something us city folk should stay away from, at least that's what Horror films are trying to tell us.  Cabin in the Woods follows the typical Horror film where a group of students, with their hormones going about 1,000 miles per hour, decide to spend their weekend in a cabin.  Everything is cooky for a while until they unlock something freaky, and i'm not talking about the closet containing Lady Gaga's wardrobe.  As the monsters start coming at them the same speed as their hormones, things start getting out of control, much like Twilight fans after hearing about Kristen Stewart's rondevu with the non-Robert Patterson dude.  If only Thor was present during this weekend trip then everyone would be OK... oh wait, he was!!

The Good:
When I prayerfully pick out my cereal of the week at the nearest grocery store, I'm always looking for two things: 1.  The box that has the coolest toy, and 2.  The one that isn't going to give me explosive diarrhea while I'm running the next morning, because it makes me look like I'm Forrest Gump while he still had those leg braces on.  Then there are times I find a new cereal like Smacks that makes me love cereal in a whole different way, and that is what Cabin in the Woods did for me with Horror films.  Given it's not the greatest Horror film ever made, it does present some new ways that fans of the macabre can understand why scary movies are the way they are.  The film is also very funny, which was a pleasant surprise for me, because along with children's gummy vitamins the one thing that can set my morning off right is a solid Horror Comedy.  There isn't much stuff I can say about the story-line without giving away one of the greatest endings of all time, but this much I will say, that Cabin has an ending that wraps up the story like it's a present made exclusively by Martha Stewart when she was in jail.

The Bad:
Why in the name of Oprah did it take them so long to release this movie?!  I know there was that deal with MGM having the financial problems, but still, this movie came close to making people not care anymore, let alone not being released at all.  Thor is also the source of one of my problems, because every time he and his peeps were attacked by monsters he would act like the stereotypical college douche bag, and at this I would scream "This is why you lost your hammer Thor!  Because of being stupid!"  Now in the movie's defense it was made before Thor was, but still, Every time I look at Chris Hemsworth I imagine him like he's dressed for a Scottish fair full of acne-infested computer-gaming virgins.

The Ugly:
It is the duty of EVERY horror fan to see this film, but at the same time I don't want ya'll to get too high expectations, because that can ruin even the greatest of films.  If you expect that it will be god's gift to mankind, then you'll probably get a huge dissapointment that's compared to Lindsay Lohan's Liver.  Just know that it is a well made horror film with some fresh new twists we as fans of the Macabre haven't seen before, and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

4 1/2 out of 5