The Vow

This movie proves that I have a heart as soft as a baby bunny, until his feet are processed into lucky key-chains.  "The Vow" is a True Story about a lovely young couple (played by VERY sexy people), who after going through the dating process and being married, end up having life crash on them in a tragic way, like when the McRib sandwich leaves McDonalds, or like the time we found out Snooki was pregnant.   Because Paige and Leo parked in the middle of a street, it was only a matter of time before a trucker, who was listening to Selena Gomez too loud, would rear-end them.  As a result Leo was injured, and Paige suffered Severe memory loss, and no it's not as cute as "50 First Dates."  Because Paige can't remember Leo at all, it's up to him to get Paige to love him again and secure their marriage.  

The Good:
I didn't full out ball when watching this movie like it did at the end of "Titanic", "What Dreams May Come", "Grave of the Fireflies", and "Scary Movie 3", but my eyes did get watery almost as if I had been chopping up onions all day.  This was a lovely movie that doesn't have a horrible ending like most Nicholas Sparks stories do, and i'm not ruining the movie when I say that, because on the poster it says "Based on the Incredible True Story"; you would know if the ending was going to suck if it said "Based on the crappy heart-wrenching True Story".  Rachel McAdams is a beautiful babe-of-a-woman who is notorious for being able to tackle any kind of role handed to her, but the most pleasant acting surprise of the movie was the remarkably chizzled CHANNING TATUM!  His acting was surprisingly good! and I don't know if any of you guys noticed, but he's become a lot funnier in his later films.  Even though he was good, it makes me sad that his acting skills have improved,  because now I can't refer to him as the actor who flushed his career down the pooper when he stared in the sequel to "Glitter", aka "G.I. Joe".

The Bad:
Stress! Stress! Stress!  There were some parts of this flick that gave me so much stress that not only did I get a crohnsy flare-up in my buttocks, but the amount of gray hair on my head tripled!  I swear by the end of the week I'm going to look like Richard Gere, minus the sex-appeal.  in the film's defense it doesn't try to hide the fact that it's a stressful movie, and if anything it promotes Stress like it's one of the main characters.  So if you think your going to get a cute Meg Ryan-type chick flick, then you're going to be sorely disappointed, like when I found out Michael Jackson wasn't a white female.  

The Ugly:
The Ugly truth about this film is that it's anything but ugly, as a matter of fact it's sexy!  Rachel McAdams and Channing are so DARN good looking that I would totally keep them locked in the closet, and wrapped in plastic-wrap so they always stay fresh... Maybe I should stop taking pointers from Dr. Lecter's Autobiography.  But in all seriousness this is a very Romantic love story, and it keeps you at the edge of your seat hoping that everything will be alright for them in the end.  Realistically,  guys will be at the edge of their seats dreaming about taking Rachel McAdams to get a McRib at Mcdonalds (that's a lot of Mcs), and the girls will be coo-coo for coco puffs over Channing's well defined six-pack.

4 out of 5

The Dilemma

Overview:  Ronny and James are the best of friends, and both have landed relationships with babes, or did they?  Ronny had the unfortunate experince of seeing James' wife cheating on him with a G. I. Joe, and because he doesn't want to discourage him during their huge deal with a car company, he keeps it a secret about as awkwardly as a 6-year old red head who had just stolen a snickers bar from a Marathon station.

The Good:  C and I were pleasently suprised how good this movie was.  I haven't broken the truth to many people that their spouses are cheating on them, but according to Vince Vaughn it's quite the crappy position to be in.  Winona Ryder has finally dropped the "I'm shoplifting for my hubbie Edward Scissorhands" mojo, and has now turned into the unlovable tramp we always knew she would.  Channing Tatum went back to his stripper roots in order to do a really good job being a white-trash home-wrecker, and I don't fully know the reasons why I like this man, especially since he was in that piece of crap also called "G.I. Joe", but I have a great feeling that he'll be the next Rock/Schwarzenegger.  Vince Vaughn delivers a good role once again, and although it isn't as funny as all of his crashing in "Wedding Crashers", he did a good enough job that I would take him to get unlimited bread-sticks at Olive Garden.

The Bad:  It's not that I don't like overweight comedians, because Chris Farley and I used to be tight, and I've always been a fan of Kevin James on "King of Queens".  For some reason Kevin James dances in every movie, which as far as i'm concerned started with "Hitch", but now it's starting to get old.  Now whenever I see him dance (which he does a lot in this movie), I want to revisit my days preparing for a colonoscopy where poop and upchucking comes like Niagara falls.  Jennifer Connelly for some reason falls short in this movie, it might be because it's mostly centered around Vince and Kevin and Winona's flusie ways, so it seems  that Connelly doesn't have much to contribute.  The biggest problem this movie had was it's marketing.  C and I were always confused when we saw the trailer for this because it looked like it was trying to be the next "Dumb and Dumber", and then we realized it was a drama film with only a handful of laughs; we were mislead like we were with O. J. Simpson's book.

The Ugly:  Don't go see this movie thinking that it's going to be the next "Dumb and Dumber", because that will ruin everything for you.  This was a great drama-filled flick that kept C and I interested all the way through.

3 out of 5

The Eagle

Overview:  Realizing he made a mistake by joining the crappy G.I. Joe squad, Channing Tatum decided to take a trip back in time.  Once upon a time in a land far away, Britan was not a safe place to be in the 2nd century, and because the Romans and the Britains were fighting over a woman (or something) they had a large wall dividing the south of the island from the North.  Marcus Aquila is tired of people making fun of his daddy, because several years ago his dad took thousands of men with him into the north, and not only did the savages (who looked like Ewoks by the way) kill a vast majority of them, but they also took an important emblem that signified the honor of Rome.  Because Marcus is such a daddy's boy, he and his slave Billy Elliot embark on a non-"Brokeback Mountain" quest together in order to find the expensive bird and claim it for Rome once again.

The Good:  I really don't know why I like Channing Tatum so much.  Even though he stars in a lot of crap (see my G.I. Joe review) he still manages to entertain; the only time he sucked was in "Fighting", and don't get me started on that piece of toilet waste.  I liked my man Channing in this movie, and the whole time I kept saying to C "WILL YOU PLEASE PUT THE KNIFE DOWN?!!", followed by "I feel like this is Channing Tatum's ideal role, and he should star in more movies like this".  I was not disappointed by the action.  In a War Epic I generally want more battle scenes than story line, and it seems I got what I wanted, much like getting some candy at a parade right before all the kids lunge themselves at you like raptors with hernias.  Jamie Bell was also great as the friend, and it made me happy that throughout the whole movie he didn't do ballet dancing once!  If that was the case, he would be the first to die in battle, because the enemy would feel so shameful watching him dance that killing him would be the only way to help.

The Bad:  Although it's claiming to be a "Grand Epic", I was definitely having a hard time seeing the "Grand" in any of it.  The movie was fun, and it did get C to put the knife down and seize trying to kill me, but the movie id definitely not comparable to one of Ridley Scott's epics.  One other thing I didn't like was the infamous "Seal Tribe" from the north, in other words (I thought) they looked ridiculous.  First of all their face paint was just straight mud, like they rolled in it like piggies, and that's not hard to do because I do it all the time!  And for once I'd like not to be made a fool out of.  Next time I hear about a "Seal Tribe", I would like for them to actually show up in SEAL COSTUMES!!  They need to ditch the mud and head to the nearest Dollar Tree to buy some seal apparel, because to me nothing sounds more frightening than a bunch of armed seals coming at me...

The Bad:  Although it may not be a Grand War Epic since it's mostly based around two guys, it is still a very good War Epic that can easily be watched more than once.  The acting was amazing, the action was SWEET, the ballet dancing was non-existent, and I felt like a man afterwards... I even had ribs last night, and I ate them without any etiquette!

3 out of 5

G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra

Overview: The no-emotion fella from "Dear John" gets recruited with his Wayne Brother by an eliet team of super soldiers, and together they conquer the bad super soldiers.

The Good: like the rest of Stephen Sommer's movies, this one has some excellent action, so you have to give it some credit.  There are some roses within this garden of weeds when it comes to the acting.  Sienna Miller and Channing Tatum help save some of the movie moments, and for that I am eternally grateful.

The Bad: Oh boy, how do I explain this?  Experiencing this movie is equivalent to the amount of pain a person with Crohn's disease would go through after eating an entire tub of cauliflower, and many of you know the outcome of that experience stinks!.. and how? haha!  The problem with this movie is how ridiculous it is!!!  I couldn't even watch this movie in one sitting, I instead had to come back to it, and finish the last 30 minutes a month later.  All of the characters are silly, and even though Channing Tatum and Seinna Miller tried to save the scenes, it was futile against the crappy "Power Ranger-quality" cast.  I do have to point out that the stupidest part of this movie is how the enemy's base (the size of New York) was underwater, especially since it looked 100% exactly like Jar Jar Bink's home from "The Phantom Menace";  I actually half expected Jar Jar Binks to be involved with the bad guys, since they're guests in his pad.

The Ugly: Other than some of the action, there is nothing redeemable about this movie.  I don't want to mention any names, so I'll just call him Brad Pitt, but had that person not been a really close friend of mine, then I would of had to hunt him down and feed him to a herd of Wombats, all because he wanted me to finish this movie!  It is not worth it to see this movie, although I thoroughly enjoyed making fun of it for an hour.  If anyone is curious about this film, then that person can go on youtube and look up the action scenes.  This will prevent the person from becoming depressed, which is what happens when you watch the whole thing.

 0 out of 5