The Eagle

Overview:  Realizing he made a mistake by joining the crappy G.I. Joe squad, Channing Tatum decided to take a trip back in time.  Once upon a time in a land far away, Britan was not a safe place to be in the 2nd century, and because the Romans and the Britains were fighting over a woman (or something) they had a large wall dividing the south of the island from the North.  Marcus Aquila is tired of people making fun of his daddy, because several years ago his dad took thousands of men with him into the north, and not only did the savages (who looked like Ewoks by the way) kill a vast majority of them, but they also took an important emblem that signified the honor of Rome.  Because Marcus is such a daddy's boy, he and his slave Billy Elliot embark on a non-"Brokeback Mountain" quest together in order to find the expensive bird and claim it for Rome once again.

The Good:  I really don't know why I like Channing Tatum so much.  Even though he stars in a lot of crap (see my G.I. Joe review) he still manages to entertain; the only time he sucked was in "Fighting", and don't get me started on that piece of toilet waste.  I liked my man Channing in this movie, and the whole time I kept saying to C "WILL YOU PLEASE PUT THE KNIFE DOWN?!!", followed by "I feel like this is Channing Tatum's ideal role, and he should star in more movies like this".  I was not disappointed by the action.  In a War Epic I generally want more battle scenes than story line, and it seems I got what I wanted, much like getting some candy at a parade right before all the kids lunge themselves at you like raptors with hernias.  Jamie Bell was also great as the friend, and it made me happy that throughout the whole movie he didn't do ballet dancing once!  If that was the case, he would be the first to die in battle, because the enemy would feel so shameful watching him dance that killing him would be the only way to help.

The Bad:  Although it's claiming to be a "Grand Epic", I was definitely having a hard time seeing the "Grand" in any of it.  The movie was fun, and it did get C to put the knife down and seize trying to kill me, but the movie id definitely not comparable to one of Ridley Scott's epics.  One other thing I didn't like was the infamous "Seal Tribe" from the north, in other words (I thought) they looked ridiculous.  First of all their face paint was just straight mud, like they rolled in it like piggies, and that's not hard to do because I do it all the time!  And for once I'd like not to be made a fool out of.  Next time I hear about a "Seal Tribe", I would like for them to actually show up in SEAL COSTUMES!!  They need to ditch the mud and head to the nearest Dollar Tree to buy some seal apparel, because to me nothing sounds more frightening than a bunch of armed seals coming at me...

The Bad:  Although it may not be a Grand War Epic since it's mostly based around two guys, it is still a very good War Epic that can easily be watched more than once.  The acting was amazing, the action was SWEET, the ballet dancing was non-existent, and I felt like a man afterwards... I even had ribs last night, and I ate them without any etiquette!

3 out of 5

Alexander Revisited

The Good:  Along with "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps" this is the second Oliver Stone film to be reviewed on this blog, and not to mention the most epic, and that is something I can bet my crohns on.  This movie was made on a grand scale, and everything from the costumes to the sets was touched with the finest detail.  Now I haven't seen the previous two versions of this film, which were apparently horrible, but I know that the preferred "revisited" edition proves to be a great portrait of the warrior.  Colin Farrell, whom I've always associated with playing the pretty-boy roles, was actually quite good along with the rest of the cast.  Director Oliver Stone isn't one who sticks to only one side of the story, which in this case is quite good, because although there were many good qualities about Alexander, there were also many flaws as well; Oliver Stone did the right thing in making sure Alexander was depicted as the heroic/tragic man he really was.  I was not disappointed with the big and fierce battle scenes either, because not only were they long, but they were occasionally awe-inspiring.

The Bad:  Even though I praised Oliver Stone for showing both the good and the bad of Alexander's life, there were some things I honestly didn't want to see, and those scenes were often drawn out SO long.  Which brings me to the next flaw I noticed with this movie, it was 3+ hours!! usually I don't have a problem with that, but when watching a movie that long, one would want more battle sequences than just the 2 this movie presents.  Last but not least, the real reason I wanted to see this movie in the first place is it had Anthony Hopkins (my favorite actor) in it, and so I was sad to see that he was only in the movie for a short while, but happy that he was the narrator... man he has a great voice! I wish he would tell me bedside stories sometime. 

The Ugly:  I may love horror movies a lot, but nothing beats watching an amazing war epic on a Sunday afternoon.  This movie with its obvious flaws, is still a very good movie to watch.  Sure it's 3+ hours long with some boring sequences, but then again what epic movie doesn't have those?  Oliver Stone shows the world the real man Alexander was, and while doing that he holds nothing back.

3 out of 5