Waiting For Forever

Oh how wonderful it is when a respectable red-headed brotha can find a chick-flick that satisfies all my expectations (and MORE!), even though it wasn't a largely produced or advertised film.  By far the most stalker friendly Romantic Comedy since "Bed of Roses", this film proves to be unbearably creepy at times (or desired, depends on which side of the coin you've chosen).  It follows the story of Will Donner and his quest to win the heart from his childhood sweety. The only problem he has is... EVERYTHING!  She is the smoken (but modestly) hot girl from the Crappy "O.C." show, and he's a bum who wears PJ's all day every day.  Unlike the main character's PJ's, the movie itself is not ugly, boring, and full of pee-stains, this movie oddly succeeds in being light-hearted and fun; it made me want to  open one of those bags of "fun-dips" candies (don't ask).  There are two things you can get from this movie.
1. A huge smile on your face if you had a bad day, or are about to have one, and
2. If you're a stalker, then this movie gives you free advice on how to be more efficient at your profession.

5 out of 5

The Conspirator

Funny thing about Robert Redford is that he may be a good looking man (for his age), and he may give off that charming demeanor, but i'm pretty sure he's as boring as a senile old man doing stand-up comedy... wait that actually sounds amazing... I digress.  I was worried because Redford's movies have a tendency to be like him, dashingly well put together but as boring as a slow BM.  ALAS this movie does not fall into the rest of his pile of droppings.  It was surprisingly not that bad, and it actually reminded me of the Clint Eastwood film "Changeling" with all of courtroom scenes.
It drives me so crazy when I see movies like this and "The Majestic" where a bunch of old piggish men wearing fancy suits, and they give a person a chance to trial only so the person can have no chance of winning and eventually be executed.  I'm sure the entire time the trials in "The Conspirator" were going on, Abe was looking down (honestly) from heaven thinking to himself "what a bunch of idiots! you guys are acting like a bunch of Elementary kids arguing over toys in the sandbox!" Then shortly after saying that he got ready for his famous Geico Commercial.

3 1/2 out of 5

The Poltergeist Series

Thank goodness! A perfect example of Horror movies that can be scary without being dominated by pointless porn-scenes between a couple C-List actors who have no problem baring it all.  The story is basically the same thing we've been seeing in most other Haunting shows (aka "The Sixth Sense", "Insidious", or "The Shining"), and what I mean is the girl (who looks like an Angelic version of the Ring-nut) has special abilities that a bunch of spooky ghosts want, and they do this by turning the TV off and on, and sending questionable old men her way.  This movie does incorporate something that reminds me when to change my pants, and that's DOLLS!  It's funny because dolls aren't even the main focus in this series, but for some reason when one of the ghosts enter the little girl's room, then all the dolls heads turn... which then leads to my stomach turning, and then a good hour in the bathroom with PEOPLE magazine.

All three films are really good, and are must see's for every Horror fan.  Other than the classic first one (directed by Tobe Hopper) I found Poltergeist II to be quite enjoyable, probably because it made me want to become native... much like Kevin Costner.

4 out of 5

Dream House

I'm not going to scew ya'll the same way the trailer did by giving away almost every plot-twist, so focus on my summary and don't watch the trailer.  Will Atenton follows the ridiculous trend of quiting his high-paying job so he can settle down, write an explicit Romance novel (not really), and spend more time with his family.  WHO CARES ABOUT FAMILY!! jk.  After pulling a Chevy Chase from "Funny Farm" he learns about a killer who murdered the family that lived in the house before his, and apparently he's going to return!! Spooky-Scary!!

I think of this movie the same way I think about a delicious Little Ceaser's Pizza in the fridge that was left over from the rave the night before.  I love to eat it because it's delicious and it makes me believe that this is what God and all his Angels would be eating, but then I notice my love-handles getting bigger and I turn into Eddie Murphy in practically all his movies.  The movie did a good job in how it handled all the twists during the middle part of the movie, and that's a relief because all Horror movies (now) leave the predictable twist at the end.  The sad part is none of the movie was partculary scary, and the ending was sort of Anti-Climatic.  Can't say everything about 007, and C thought his abs were as beautiful as ever...

2 out of 5

Blue Valentine

Overview:  Dean and Cindy's relationship has come a long way with lots of ups and downs since the first moment they met.  Now that they have a kid, they find their marriage deteriorating, probably because Dean knew Cindy was once married to a gay cowboy, and Cindy found out that Dean stared in the notebook.  In order to put the spark back in the marriage they decide to go out on a date where they decide to make sweet sweet... marriage saving memories together; what were you thinking?

Did I like this, or did it make me vomit?  First of all this movie is sad!  I'm not going to give the ending away, but this is a bittersweet movie that I liken unto a bag of "Warhead" candies in that the movie is brutal and it makes me not want to take a bath, but then by the end it turns sweet and I start asking myself important moral "soul searching" questions.

4 out of 5 

Shorter Movie Reviews for a season

I am getting my learning on!  Because I'm majoring in Occupational Therapy I'm required to take the dreaded "Human Anatomy and Physiology" class.  Anyone who has taken that class before knows that it sucks the life out of you and it doesn't leave much room for anything else (aka, Movie Reviews).  For the time being reviews will be "a" short paragraph each, summarizing what I thought about said movies.

X-Men: First Class

Overview:  Puberty does funny things to all of us.  For boys, their voices start squeaking in awkward ways, and they start thinking about girls more, as opposed to when they were a part of the he-man-women-hater-club; I don't have the right to speak on behalf of the girls.  Now with the people in "X-Men", they hit puberty with a vengeance.  Some are able to read minds, control metal, fly like satanic fairies, and some just hit puberty really heavily (I'm speaking to you Beast, you old lug).  Working with the government, all these different mutants get to know one another over Facebook (cerebro), and band together in order to stop the "Footloose" guy from taking over the world.

The Good:  I love all the "X-Men" movies, and yes that even includes the one about Wolverine growing up.  Like many of the other nerds out there who claim to be fans of the comic books but never actually read any of them, I fantasize often about being admitted into the bald man's school of the gifted.  I envision me running, skipping, and using my mutation powers for mischief, and only for mischief.  Much like "Star Wars Episode III" I loved "First class" because I got to see all the little "tie-ins" and explanations about why things happened the way they did in the other movies.  James McAvoy, what a man he is! Even as the young bald nerd on wheels, C and I have come to love him just as much as his older self, and the same goes for the young Magneto, I would love to hang out with him where we can throw cars off bridges together.

The Bad: I thought Mystique was supposed to be the hot blue girl that took no crap from anyone, but in this movie she looks for like one of the Gossip Girls drenched in blue paint, and she wines more than Nancy Drew after she couldn't crack a case.  Besides the obvious main characters, there wasn't much character development with the other mutated/puberty stricken people.  One last beef I had with this was how ANGRY I was when Magneto turned evil, and although I knew it was going to happen, it still made me want to beat him with a plastic baseball bat.

The Ugly:  This definitely ranks up there as one of the better "X-Men" movies right next to "X2: X-Men United".  There may not be as much character development, but what would you expect from another "X-Men" movie? they can't very well tell everybody's story now can they?  This was an awesome film that reminds us why superhero movies are so awesome!! It also reminds us of how necessary puberty is!

4 1/2 out of 5

Dark Water

Overview:  Water flows constintly in this run-down-i'd-rather-live-in-Harlem kind of neighborhood, and it isn't the good kind of water, this is the kind of H2O someone would expect to see at the bottom of a portapotty (man that's disgusting imagery).  Because of her douchie Jersey-shore ex-husband, Dahlia and her unnaturally happy daughter move to the previously mentioned crapptacular place in hopes to make a new start.  But the longer they stay at the apartment they begin to realize that the people living above them either suck at fixing an overflowing toilet, or they are disgusting horders that role in their own filth.

The Good:  I like Jennifer Connelly, and not the "I wish I took her to MacDonald's" kind of nice, but more like the "We have a secret handshake that's full of gangster symbols" type.  When watching the "Dark Water" trailer I was again deceived because the trailer made it look like the storyline was vast and complex, but to my delight (which is very simular to finding a twinkie and $5 on the ground in one day) the story was suprisingly simple and easy to follow.   You knew that there was going to be a twist at the end, but at least this one you can guess your way through.  May it also be known that I am a fan of dark liquid substances (mostly blood) coming out of the walls in movies, I don't know why but it reminds me of having pancakes for dinner.

The Bad:  The movie isn't joking around when it says that "Water" is it's key ingrediant, IT'S EVERYWHERE!!  After the movie was over C and I said to each other "I feel soaking wet and dirty", and then I proceeded to fill my tub with hand sanitizer and basked in it's cleansing powers.  Although this was a cute and fun little movie to watch, it was a little VERY anti-climatic.  I don't know how many Japanese Horror remakes Hollywood is going to do, but I think it's about time to call it quits, because it looks like they're trying to make another "Ring", but that obviously failed when they tried "Ring 2".  Now if they were to do a sequel to this movie I would definitly have a helping hand in coming up with a title, and it would be called "Dark Toilet Water" rated NC-17 for crohnsy effects!! I know that's a little weird to say, but there was a part of me that demanded it.

The Ugly:  I would go see this, but if you have hopes for it to be the next "Ring" movie then you might as well stick your head in the oven and turn it on 400, because "The Ring" movies are over!

2 out of 5 

The Ward

Overview:  When Kristen discovers that she like to play with matches, she's taken and admitted to the loony bin at the local hospital with four unnaturally hot roommates.  Kristen quickly realizes that somethings wrong when 1. She notices that the years have been kind to her roommates since they look like cover-girl supermodels, and 2. One by one they're being stalked by what looks like Michael Jackson, but is really a zombified version of "The Ring" girl.

The Good:  John Carpenter is up in the ranks with George A. Romero and Wes Craven by being one of the greatest Horror filmmakers of all time.  Even though everyone knows that Psych wards aren't really filled with armature supermodels it's still fun to watch them freak out and try to plan an escape, and this time we don't have to worry about any lingerie models having a fantasy-dance-montoges.  There isn't much too this movie, and you basically get everything that it's selling you, which is a haunted hospital full of babes.

The Bad:  I don't want tos ay it was forgetable, because this was made by John Carpenter, and that would be like saying Captain Crunch gives you caveties.  There are parts of this movie that are pretty forgetable though, but at the same time I still liked it, like how i'm going to continue eating Captain Crunch even if my teeth rot away.  Although I'm not going to give the reasons why, this movie is like the younger sister to "Shutter Island", and NO that doesn't give anything away in regards to the ending; trust me, i'm a red-head.

The Ugly:  I knew this movie wasn't going to be the greatest picture ever, since it  had practicallyno advertising it was only released into select theaters, but at the same time I actually liked it.  Look past the certain forgettable parts, and take part in the girl's insanity and fight for survival. 

3 out of 5

The Box

Overview:  Everything looks peachy with the Lewis family... all up until the peaches start to mold and sprout little white hairs; translation= they receive pay cuts and their son is awkward.  Things start to look brighter (in a grim way) when a man with a bad case of the botox presents them with a Box.  Within the box is a button, and if pressed one person whom they don't know in the world will die, but the upside is they'll receive payment of $1,000,000.  What will they choose?! I personally think they should press the button, get the money, and pay to have the man's face fixed.

The Good:  This is one of those Faust-like films that make you do some deep soul searching.  When watching the movie we all say to ourselves "I would never push that button.  I go to Sunday school every day.  Everybody poops", but if we were presented with the box what would we do?  This is a powerful movie about morals, which in a odd way makes it creepier than most, because it can make you question yourself.

The Bad:  The movie is one of our favorites to watch, but there are a couple times during this movie that become so boring that I would rather study for my Human Anatomy class just for fun... and that's when you know the world has been flushed down the toilet.

The Ugly:  besides the mans face which looks more like the black lung of a smoker, the movie is as delicious as a peeled apple.  I liken "The Box" unto a box (ha!) of Lucky Charms, there are the normal parts of the cereal that taste like sandpaper, but a majority of the time you're squealing with delight over the amount of marshmallows that make your taste-buds scream "GIGGITY!!"

4 out of 5

The Time Traveler's Wife

Overview:  Life sorta sucks for Henry DeTamble, because at any random moment his body can disappear like Nicole Richie and land anywhere in time.  Time travel for Henry is basically a curse, and not in the way that we hear it in other movies where the curse is actually something freakishly awesome! No in this movie the curse is actually a "my-life-will-forever-suck-and-I-might-as-well-be-paralyzed-from-the-waist-down" kind of thing.  To make things a bit more complicated he woo's and (SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT) gets married to a girl named Clare Abshire, and during the young married couple find ways to deal with his problem.  Speaking of SPOILER ALERT you know that they get married because it's in the title, ga-der!!

The Good:  Nothing beats a good tearjerker after spending an entire day at school about an hour away.  Sometimes when I get back from school after a stressful day all I want to do is lay down on the couch with the blinds down and a bucket of ice-cream in my hands while a sappy romantic movie tries to touch my heart in weird places.  Eric Bana (to me) is the perfect idea of a MAN, because this guy has done everything from "The Hulk" to "Munich" and then this little diddy that's sure to make even the manliest of men question their testosterone levels.  Rachel McAdams does terrific as always, and she doesn't even need Ryan Gosling or his strategically placed flock of flamboyant delicious-looking geese.  It seems that no matter what role she's given, Rachel will tackle it with flying colors, she's like the chick version of Justin Timberlake.


The Bad:  Oh Nicholas Sparks, you sure do know how to make sappy romances look hopeful, until they fall to the butt-crack of the earth like a pile of bricks... but (sadly) to my surprise I found out that this was not one of his stories, although I could have sworn it was due to all the sad/tragic/happy story-line coming my way.  I know that it was the "sadness" of this movie that made it so appealing to watch, but i'm suddenly in the mood for the cliche chick-flick where nothing goes wrong and everything ends up happy in the end with a make-out scene on the Golden Gate Bridge.

The Ugly:  Eric Bana is definitely one of the manliest men alive, and Rachel McAdams is one of the chickiest of chicks out there as well.  Although this movie reeks tremendously of a Nicholas Sparks fart, it turns out that it's not one of his movies and it's actually pretty engaging.

3 1/2 out of 5

Soul Surfer

Overview:  Looks like our girl from "Bridge to Terabithia" (Bethany Hamilton) has grown up into a kick-butt surfer in Hawaii, and thank goodness she's now a corn-fed (say-about-ten-hail-Mary's-a-day) Christian.  one day when she was lollygagging in the ocean pretending to be "Whale Rider", a shark with a simple appetite came up and bit her arm off.  With all sympathies towards Bethany she's lucky that the shark was an idiot, because he only wanted a nibble instead of the four-course meal, just like when a hobo tried to kill me for a dollar on my honeymoon.  Due to her new found one-armness, Bethany's dreams to become a professional Surfer look quite bleak.  Will her Dennis Quaid help her reach her dreams, and will Bethany allow it?

The Good:  When I was a kid my mom paraded my red-hair around because it was so beautiful, and it reminded everyone of Autum and blood, this movie does the same thing for Hawaii.  The whole time the two of us were thinking "We should visit that place because it is so gosh-darn-dangit beautiful".  The settings are gorgeous and the Surfing dance offs are breathe taking, but that's probably because I grew up in San Francisco where the water was so cold that I come out looking like Edward Cullen.  Although cheesy, the acting is pretty pleasant thanks to AnnaSophia Robbs, Dennis Quaid, and the almost fully dressed Helen Hunt.  This movie made me want to pursue my dreams, and take a bite out of the arm of life. HA! Dark.

The Bad:  Just because I said the acting was good thanks to the three people mentioned above, that doesn't mean the same compliment applies to Carrie Underwood.  Her acting was about as stinky as an un-wiped bottom, and the two of us agreed that she only signed up for this role because it's a chance to earn some extra dough, even if it goes bad; she makes most of her money with music anyways.  One last thing that I find annoying in cinema is when movies become too religiously preachy like this one, which shouldn't annoy me because i'm a staunch Mormon, but it makes me want to chew on a tree regardless.  I don't want to feel like I'm in Sunday School when I'm watching a movie that takes place in Hawaii, I want to feel like i'm swimming with fishes that don't want to chew my arm off;  "Soul Surfer" should take notes from "The Other Side Of Heaven", because that movie is about religion yet it avoids being preachy.  What C hated about this movie was the lack of Katie Perry's "Fireworks" song, I had to sing her some Enya to calm her down.

The Ugly:  Excusing my rant about hating Carrie Underwood's acting career, this movie is pretty good.  I also exaggerated how preachy this movie was (only slightly), it's just sometimes red flags of "What the heck?" get sent up.  This is a fairly good movie with an engaging plot and one heck of a good ending.

"127 Hours" comparison:  I love comparing this film to "127 Hours" because both of them are about loosing limbs.
-differences: "Soul Surfer" focuses more on the before-and-after effects of having and loosing an arm, and it is freakishly cheesy.  "127 Hours" is more about the intensity of the moment, and focuses more on the man's will to live.
-Simularities: they both loose arms.  The point to each of these stories is to not go Rock climbing, or Surfing... ever!!!

3 out of 5

PROM

Overview:  Oh boy, it's that time of the year where a bunch of angsty tweens get together to celebrate... freak-dancing with each other and hoping they'll get a smoochie?  Nova Prescott is your A-typical preppy class president who acts like a Stepford wife and still thinks the world is full of rainbows, which it isn't... unless your in San Francisco. BAM!  Everything is looking peachy for Nova's Prom night, that is until the school bad boy began helping her with the decorations as a punishment, and he doesn't want to because it would ruin his nonchalant (I've seen how bleak life can be and that's my reason for riding this motorcycle and dressing like a gay pirate) attitude. Will Nova and the rest of her high school peers have the prom they've always dreamed of, or will it blow like a whale struggling for breathe?

The Good:  Since C and I first got together, I noticed how she's poisoning me slowly.  I used to stay away from Disney cheesy crap like this, but now I'm finding myself loving it with the blinds down.  This film has everything an ultra cheesy high school chick flick needs, including: the bad boy who acts like he doesn't care about anyone and dresses like he used to work at Abrocrombe and Fitch, a football players who like to two-time women, and the ditsy class president who thinks that everything is going to be easy after high school.  This movie is massively ridiculous, but that's what C and I like so much about it; nothing brings us more happiness and self-esteem than watching a bunch of loser teenagers think they know squat about dating.

The Bad:  I take this about as seriously as "High School Musical" and saving the polar bears... I couldn't care less, and i'm sure that a majority of all people who see this movie will agree with me; I just don't take high schoolers seriously.  other than that there's not much about this movie that sucks, except the teenage love at times can make you want to hurl, so it all depends on how well you stomach that vomit-worthy lovey-dovey "I'll marry you right after high school" stuff.

The Ugly:  Not bad is this movie be thee says I.  If you are a person like me and likes to make fun of naive high-schoolers, then this movie is the perfect choice!  Or if you are the kind of person who eats the Jane Austen cereal for breakfast then this is also the perfect choice, but beware it might give you cavities.

3 1/2 out of 5

Biutiful

Overview:  After he avoided the cops at the end of "No Country For Old Men" Javier Bardem is now in his native country of Spain.  Uxbal's life more or less sucks, and i'm closer to becoming a crab fisherman than I am to envying his life.  He has a lot of crap (not) going for him right now, including: a crack addict wife who is abusive and sleeps around with his siblings, his friends are getting canned, he has to support his two children, and his health isn't in the best of shape.  As things come to a close he has to juggle everything from the good, the bad, to the worst... at least this time he isn't killing random hicks with an air-gun.

The Good:  Inarritu has a pretty good reputation of making sad films with important messages, and this has to be the king of them.  "Biutiful" is a 2+-hour movie that succeeds in being depressing all the way through, but at the same time it's not the kind of depressing movie that makes you want to run over neighborhood children on bicycles because you don't see the point in life anymore, it's the kind of depression that makes you value your own life and helps you gain perspective on what's really important... That and you're not running over kids. Javier Bardem, much like Inarritu, has a great track record so far since all the movies he's been in have been phenomenal, and that's largely due to his powerful acting.  Javier has to be one of the greatest actors out there, because half the time he doesn't have to speak any dialog, instead his powerful facial expressions do all the talking for him, and if you don't believe me go see this or "No Country for Old Men".

The Bad: Just because I said that Inarritu has an excellent track record so far doesn't mean that his movies are completely flawless.  C and I thought the movie was extremely captivating, until we looked at how much time has passed by... 2 HOURS! are you CROHN'SING ME?!  In two hours I could have watched a normal (happy) movie and had enough time to read a book, make dinner, and then have a bubble bath with strawberries and chocolate fondue right next to me.  It was good, but unless it's another "Lord of the Rings" movie, then please keep it NOT that long.

The Ugly:  Much like "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" series, this movie definitely is not for everyone.  It's a depressing  film that rivals "Grave of the Fireflies" and "Schindler's List" when it comes to being one of the saddest movies of all time, but thankfully that's not all going for it.  Beneath all the sorrow is a lot of great cinema magic, great acting, inspiring messages, and... Spanish people?

4 out of 5

The Dilemma

Overview:  Ronny and James are the best of friends, and both have landed relationships with babes, or did they?  Ronny had the unfortunate experince of seeing James' wife cheating on him with a G. I. Joe, and because he doesn't want to discourage him during their huge deal with a car company, he keeps it a secret about as awkwardly as a 6-year old red head who had just stolen a snickers bar from a Marathon station.

The Good:  C and I were pleasently suprised how good this movie was.  I haven't broken the truth to many people that their spouses are cheating on them, but according to Vince Vaughn it's quite the crappy position to be in.  Winona Ryder has finally dropped the "I'm shoplifting for my hubbie Edward Scissorhands" mojo, and has now turned into the unlovable tramp we always knew she would.  Channing Tatum went back to his stripper roots in order to do a really good job being a white-trash home-wrecker, and I don't fully know the reasons why I like this man, especially since he was in that piece of crap also called "G.I. Joe", but I have a great feeling that he'll be the next Rock/Schwarzenegger.  Vince Vaughn delivers a good role once again, and although it isn't as funny as all of his crashing in "Wedding Crashers", he did a good enough job that I would take him to get unlimited bread-sticks at Olive Garden.

The Bad:  It's not that I don't like overweight comedians, because Chris Farley and I used to be tight, and I've always been a fan of Kevin James on "King of Queens".  For some reason Kevin James dances in every movie, which as far as i'm concerned started with "Hitch", but now it's starting to get old.  Now whenever I see him dance (which he does a lot in this movie), I want to revisit my days preparing for a colonoscopy where poop and upchucking comes like Niagara falls.  Jennifer Connelly for some reason falls short in this movie, it might be because it's mostly centered around Vince and Kevin and Winona's flusie ways, so it seems  that Connelly doesn't have much to contribute.  The biggest problem this movie had was it's marketing.  C and I were always confused when we saw the trailer for this because it looked like it was trying to be the next "Dumb and Dumber", and then we realized it was a drama film with only a handful of laughs; we were mislead like we were with O. J. Simpson's book.

The Ugly:  Don't go see this movie thinking that it's going to be the next "Dumb and Dumber", because that will ruin everything for you.  This was a great drama-filled flick that kept C and I interested all the way through.

3 out of 5

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

Overview:  It all started when Count Mondego (Alex) ran off with Tom Cruise's wife, and in their giddiness they decided to renovate an old home with a dark secret.  When Alex's non-Suri daughter named Sally moves in with them, she begins hearing creepy voices coming from the vent in the secret basement.  As if she wasn't depressed enough (somebody get this squirt some Hawaiian Punch), she begins making friends with the sadistic-dentists-shaped-like-Muppets-from-hell, but as it turns out they want something more than her friendship; this is not a "Friends with Benefits" reference by the way.

The Good:  I would really like to do something nice for Guillermo del Toro, and i'm not just talking about sending him a gift card with cute girls on it, i'm talking about baking him a cake and sprinkling it with love and appreciation, also known as buckets of chocolate.  Aside from the fact that the cake wouldn't help his weight problem, the reason I say these nice things is because det Toro is a genius!  He doesn't just make good horror films for the sake of scaring people, he makes films that feel and look beautiful in a very creepy way.  It was his touch that made the film as good as it was.  It was him who came up with the house that looks more like something out of Dr Seuss' worst nightmare, and the creepy creatures that rival some of those from "Pan's Labyrinth".  The acting (surprisingly) doesn't disappoint as well.  Although I love her husband, I've grown a lovable attachment making fun of the Cruise family, and I was slightly disappointed to see that her acting was pretty dang good; the same goes for Guy Pearce as the forgetful father, and Bailee Madison as the sorrowful daughter.

The Bad:  Besides the fact that it scared the crap out of C, I really don't think there's anything bad about this little gem..... wait... I've got one.  I'm not a big fan of teeth, especially right now since my crown is wiggling, and a good portion of this movie is about those while little rocks.  Usually in Horror films (or any kind of film) if someone gets stabbed in the back people don't usually shriek too much, but if anything happens with nails or teeth people freak out of their squishy minds, like when someone scratches a chalk-board.

The Ugly:  C may argue with me about this, but I don't think this movie is that scary, at least it's not as scary as "Insidious".  What is good in this movie is the creepy atmosphere vibe, courtesy of del Toro (I owe him a chocolate cake and a card), and i'm sure everyone who views this movie will be hearing whispers all over the place afterwards, but this time it's not Kobe or Michael Jackson.  This is an awesomely well put together Horror film that keeps the mind alert

4 1/2 out of 5

Rango

Overview:  Spending too much time in a cage can do something to lizards, and that's what happened with our buddy Rango.  Together with his bath-toy-fish Mr. Tibbs, their lives are full-blown INSANE.  After Rango lands in a bunch of crap after a car crash, he finds himself stranded in a desert, thirsty and all alone.  After walking deeper into the desert he stumbles upon what looks like the "Chipmunks" adaptation of the "True Grit" movie.  Pretty soon Rango talks himself up like the second coming of Christ and gains some respect... but will it last?

The Good:  I hope the Johnney Depp/Tim Burton marriage is ok, because it seems like he may be cheating on him with Gore Verbinski. Now I aint no Marriage counselor, but this fling with Verbinski is an affair that I can be ok with.  Rango is definityly a feast for the eyes, and you don't even need the story.  Johnney Depp dishes out his hickish non-British humor and wins the show, right alongside Depp is one of my red-haired peeps Isla Fisher, who plays one heck of a good ADHD lizard.  Practically every animated movie out there is dominated by computer, and it seems like it's getting a bit boring, but Rango provides a new twist on the genre with its combination of "Animal Farm" with "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly".  The movie was actually pretty clever at times, and it fulfilled my awkward dream of seeing a bunch of disgusting rodents talk with the hickiest of Hickerbilly accents.

The Bad:  It's not that the story of the movie was completely horrendus, but I couldn't have cared less.  The animation was original, but the storyline wasn't.  Just like any other hero story, the hero goes into a town full of animals and falls in love with an ADHD lizard... Seriously! I'm sick and tired of seeing hero's make out with other lizards.... freaks.  Now with Wolves it's OK, as we were obviously shown in "Red Riding Hood".  One last bad thing has to do with the whole "talking animals" films. They're driving me insane!  If one more movie about talking animals comes out then i'll have to do something wreckless... like mooning an entire gang of skinheads.  The only time talking-animal movies should be allowed (from now on) is if it's another "Narnia" flick, or a film about a talking Platypus.

The Ugly:  It's not the funniest, nor the most original animated movie I've ever seen, but it is very artistic.  It's a good family movie that will provide good lessons to young-bloods (kids), hickish animals for adults to laugh at, and for pet lizards who can relate to Rango's story.

2 1/2 out of 5

Tales from Earthsea

Overview:  Did you know that middle-earth had a cousin? well he/she did, and its name was Earthsea, which was no doubt coined by a 3-year old who wasn't right in the head.  Out of the blue the entire world of Earthsea is going bananas! People are starting to act funkier than the Jersey Shore cast, and some pretty anal looking dragons are starting to appear everywhere.  Ged is a not-gay-for-Dumbledore wizard who's concerned about all the chaos, and along his quest he teams up with an extremely bipolar adolescent boy named Arren who has a dangerous secret of his own.  Their quest becomes harder as an unnaturally deep-voiced witch named Kumo tries to destroy Ged by using Arren.  Pretty Freaken exciting eh?!

The Good:  Hayao Miyazaki is not only a great animator, but he is (hands down) one of the greatest filmmakers of all time, and it may be argued by many (including me) that HE IS the greatest filmmaker!  As it turns out good film-making runs in the family, as his son Goro Miyazaki begins his directoral debut with "Tales from Earthsea".  Goro is an amazing artist, and there are some images in this movie that stick with you long after the credits.  There were parts of this movie that, much like all the other Miyazaki movies, were so perfectly put together that you just want to fall into a deep sleep, and this is not because the movie is boring, but because it's so beautiful; I liken it to ENYA singing me to sleep... Then C comes home.  Ha!  It's hard to describe this movie, instead you just need to see it.  It's a beautifully drawn, beautifully scored, and beautifully narrated story that has the potential to relax you like a narcotic if you let it.

The Bad:  I did like this movie, and thankfully I've been able to re watch my favorite scenes thanks to my second love which is Netflix, but it's not like the movie doesn't have it's flaws.  I'm a huge Ghibli fan, and Hayao Miyazaki's films are some of my favorites.  Although his son Goro doesn't dissapoint, "Tales from Earthsea" is not on the high alter with the other Ghibli movies like "Spirited Away" or "Howl's Moving Castle"; and that's probably due to some tiny flaws in how the plot is told.

The Ugly:  I strongly recommend everyone to see this, regardless if you like anime or not.  I hate anime with the same burning passion Jack had before he sunk to the depths of the ocean, while his lazy-butt girlfriend rested nicely on the big door.  I hate anime but I love Studio Ghibli's movies, because unlike many other films, they are VERY good at telling stories, and they're very artistic unlike all that Poke'man crap.  Give this movie a chance, and appreciate it as a true work of art.

5 out of 5

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

Overview:  My home-dog Dylan Dog is just your normal detective with the perfect blend of cool "Dragnet" type qualities you would expect, except he sort of has a thing for securing justice among the undead and hairy wolves; he's like a less cool version of "Hellboy".  When another rich-white collector is murdered it sets off a string of unnatural and violent events among the "Monster" community, and it's up to our "Dick Tracy" wannabe to make sure the world doesn't become completely screwed.  All at the same time Dylan helps his friend Marcus come to terms with his new undead makeover, and also to overcome the gag-reflex that comes with his new diet.

The Good:  I love "Dick Tracy" styled movies about as much as the next self-respecting American, because they're just plain awesome.  I love the whole nonchalant attitude that Dylan (played by Superman) gives off, and can I expect any less from an awesome detective? Nada.  It's no surprise to the world that I have a love affair with the Horror Genre, and they are my second love after my beloved wife... then after horror it would have to be nasty buffet food; what can I say I'm patriotic, but I digress.  It makes me happy to know that this is a Horror movie I can show to people who get scared easy, because it's also a comedy that succeeds in being silly all throughout.  Although I'm sure it did scare my young nieces who are still under the age of WAY YOUNG!  Their future night terrors will destroy my status of being an awesome uncle... *Sigh*.

The Bad: Besides possibly terrifying my nieces, this movie just wasn't that exciting.  I wasn't expecting it to have many GOOD scares since it's a Horror/Comedy and all, but I was excited to possibly witness something semi-scary.  Did I find these scary scenes? nope, I was left at the bottom of the pit while being asked to put lotion on.  There were some funny moments, but Sam Huntington's sarcastic comic relief could only go so far, and I knew at some point that he would die in the movie, and I guess technically he did; get it? HE WAS UNDEAD!! I wish I could say something bad about Brandon Routh since it was his movie, but the only people I can blame are the filmmakers for giving him such bad material to work with, because it seemed all he was trying to do was save the movie from taking a crap on itself.  When the movie ends you get one of those anti-climatic feelings that make you want to slam your head against the wall for some excitement, which I didn't do; that welt on my head is a birthmark.

The Ugly:  The only time I would advise seeing this movie is if you're with a bunch of drunken fraternity friends and you have nothing else to talk about, in other words make sure your're in a campy mood and don't expect too much.  A wise Billboard once said "Set your goals low, that way you won't be disappointed with bad results later".  This is what you must do with "Dylan Dog: Dead of Night", and that way you can enjoy it a little bit more

2 out of 5

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Overview:  The same fox from "Grizzley Man" lost his hat stealing job ever since Timothy Treadwell was mauled by the bear, and now he's turned towards a comedic career path.  In this delightful film, Mr. Fox and his hot foxy-wife decide to drop their chicken stealing profession once Mr. Fox found out his wife was impregnated.  Bored with his life, Mr. Fox and his yet to be road-killed possum friend begin stealing chickens again, but the three owners won't stand for this.  Now that he's placed his family and the rest of the rodent population in jeapordy, it's up to Mr. Fox to help save the day and prove once and for all that he truly is fantastic!

The Good:  I may not be the biggest Wes Anderson fan ever, and I especially hated The Royal Tenenbaums, but I was completely taken by suprise with how funny this movie was.  Technically it's only George Clooney's voice, but this has to be my favorite movie he's ever been in, it took a lot to beat "Batman and Robin".  The humor is spot-on all throughout, and all the actors (especially Bill Murray) were inspired.  I was a little skeptical of the quality of the animation just because I have a hard time liking any stopmotion pictures that aren't done by either Tim Burton or Henry Selick, but the skittish and sometimes silly animation only added to the dry sense of humor that Wes Anderson provides.

The Bad:  There are many things that I like dry in the world, including: my bed (but I haven't pee'd it in over a week), Potato chips, and clothing.  Some of the things I don't like too dry includes: Chicken, my mouth, and comedy movies.  I did love this movie a lot, and I often found myself laughing, but just like with every other Wes Anderson movie there are parts that need to be a little bit more moist (much like a normal BM... what? I have Crohn's!!).

The Ugly:  This was a joyfull movie that's perfect for families because it has action and humor that everyone can enjoy.  If you want to get the most out of this flick make sure you have a chore to do around the house, just in case you find some parts a little slow.  When all is said and done, I liken this movie unto a block of cheese and crackers... DELICIOUS!!!

4 1/2 out of 5

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Overview:  After the apes couldn't get enough joy from terrorizing humans in "28 Days Later", they travel across the seas to San Francisco and probe it with a vengeance.  Will Rodman is one of the very few decently-attractive-men-that-are-nerdy-scientists out there, and through experiencing on apes he's been able to develop a potential cure for Alzheimer's!   This drug also has a side effect of making apes too smart for my taste, and after Will's baby monkey (that he should have given birth to) becomes ultra intelligent, he leads a massive army of monkeys in an uprising.... in other words he led a bunch of peace/love/dope hippies back to the forest, much like the 60's.

The Good:  Andy Serkis owned this movie, much like I own the bathroom when my crohns acts up.  I didn't even know actors who did motion capturing could be that good, but alas they can, and there is a great possibility that he'll earn himself an Oscar for this role.  James Franco satisfies me (in the movie-making business) yet again, and he was very good in this movie because he didn't steal the scene whenever he was shown, but he was a great supporting actor in complimenting Andy Serkis' acting job.  Even though I was one of the few who liked Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes" remake, this was the "Ape" film I've been waiting for.  the buildup in this movie is tremendous, and once the ape battle scenes take place in the end I got chills so big that it felt like having a 50 cent ice-cream cone at McDonald's.  This was definitely the best movie I've seen in theaters this summer thus far.


The Bad:  Not much bad with this movie because it's about as perfect as Brad Pitt's teeth, but there is one thing I had beef with... great now I'm hungry.  I wish there were more battle scenes and more killing of the disgusting humans!  Don't worry there is plenty of action going on, but i'm one of those ultra-Horror-loving freaks that wants more.

The Ugly:  See it, it may not sound that appealing at first because it's about a bunch of anal monkeys, but it is totally worth it.  Not only is the best movie of the summer, but it's the best "Planet of the Apes" movie in general.  It's a serious, gritty, hairy, and toothy movie that'll make you want to terrorize other people APE STYLE!

5 out of 5

30 Minutes or Less

Overview: Being a pizza delivery guy once again proves to be one of the worst professions ever! After Nick delivers a delicious pizza to a couple doofuses dressed up like cast members from "Planet of the Apes", they knock him out and he wakes up with a bomb strapped to his chest; and this time he can't pull an "Iron Man" and get out of it.  the two bozos named Dwayne and Travis want to get rich but don't want to get their hands dirty, so they get nick and his friend to steal the money for them because he was such a speedy pizza delivery guy;

The Good:  This movie made my funny bone go absolutely bananas!!!  Much like "Horrible Bosses" there wasn't a single actor in this movie that wasn't funny (in my opinion), even Mark Zuckerberg was hilarious.  The Scene that was particularly joyful was the actual bank robbery scene (don't freak out, it's in the trailers), where the lady throws the gun to the wall and it shoots the man in the foot; "Who throws a gun like that?!!!"  My special appreciation goes out to Aziz Ansari, who single handily saves every slightly boring moment in the movie by saying something so stupid that my IQ drops 10 points, and now i der ner how spell?  The bad guys were quite joyful, and the only bad thing they did was waste a perfectly formed pizza.

The Bad:  Although C and I thought this movie was funny, it wasn't exactly funny ALL the way through.  There were some parts that I thought the movie was going to fail, had it not been for Aziz Ansari's brilliant stupidity to save the day (see people, being a nerd does have it's perks).  One last problem C and I had with this flick was that there was no real in-depth plot, and instead you got what you were expecting.

The Ugly:  This may not be the biggest kids movie ever, and it may not have the widest plot, but it is so funny I came that close (and that's pretty close) to lizzing.  Anyone who graduates from High School and refuses to do anything with their live should see this movie before taking action, because the only benefits you get are wasted pizzas, dorky friends, and picking each other's noses.

3 1/2 out of 5

Season of the Witch

Overview:  Realizing that the Crusades weren't such a good thing (ga-der!), Behmen and Hellboy decide to desert the murderous crusade and... walk a lot?  Eventually they're caught by some ugly UGLY peasants and will receive amnesty from the church in exchange for some otter-pops and a risky errand.  The task is to transport a suspected witch to a remote Cathedral to be accused... it could be that she isn't a witch, and maybe she was just having a series of disputes with her BFFs at school.  While transporting the girl our two heroes begin to wonder if she really is a witch, especially since she speaks in tongues (most likely from Spanish 101), can drop her voice like a beautiful sounding bass instrument, and she basically tries to kill them multiple times... THAT WITCH!!

The Good:  When I saw the trailer for this movie I laughed as much as the red-headed bully from "A Christmas Story", because I knew that it was going to royally suck.  Not only did I discover that the movie was actually good, but it's actually a way better plague movie than "Black Death" was.  The Acting (to my amazement  was pretty good, especially from my boy Ron Perlman, nothing brought me more joy than seeing him go all "Hellboy" on the innocent people in the crusades... well maybe my wedding was more joyus.  Probably the biggest way the movie surprised me was how I first assumed it was another crummy "Lord of the Rings" wannabe like "In The Name of the King" was, but instead it was like a medieval version of "The Exorcist".  at times this was a legit scary movie with a great story line and excellent build up all throughout.

The Bad:  The only bad part of this movie I could find was the lack of love scenes... ha, just kidding... or am I?  The one flaw was with some of the special effects.  They are really not that bad, but that itchy/scary feeling leaves a little bit when the movie's effects become a bit too fantastical.  The other thing that made a vein in my head burst was how all the characters were in Europe, and yet none of them had accents! What the heck?  When I hear witches accused tortured and burned, I want to believe it for real! ha; dark was it not?

The Ugly:  This movie didn't do that well in the theaters, probably because everyone assumed it was just another chance for Nicolas Cage to shove his face in your bubble, and that's usually true but it's not the case with this one.  Ya'll need to give this movie a chance, because it takes Action Adventure and Horror, and it blends them together to make a fun ride.  Oh yeah, the actress ho plays the witch-girl is amazing!

4 out of 5

AMC what have you done?!

Same Old Song:  TV for a long time was really predictable and boring (still kinda is), and it lacked anything original.  That's why you see about a billion different "Law and Order's", "CSI"s, and a "Jersey Shore: Italy"?  I pity the brain of the fool who watches that show and takes it seriously, it's only a matter of time before Italy drops a bomb on the U.S. for such a disturbing crime.

Praise Frank Darabont!:  just when I thought I was about to sink into despair (in other words, watch an infomercial) I saw that there was a new zombie TV show coming out called "The Walking Dead", and since I love zombies and am semi-fan of the graphic novels (I've only read so much, doesn't mean I don't like them), I figured this show could be my salvation.  Frank Darabont's "Walking Dead" blew me away, and seriously there was crap all over the place afterwards.  It's no surprise how good it was, especially since Frank is the director of some of the greatest movies ever made, including: "The Shawshank Redemption", "The Green Mile", and in my opinion, "The Mist", and "The Majestic".  "The Walking Dead" had the big production values of a major motion picture, yet it was an hour long series on TV, and so it was very impressive to behold.

Curse AMC:  After my daily checking of Horror news on Fear.Net, it was to my own Horror to see that AMC has fired our beloved Frank Darabont!!  Apparently (at least from what I've read), they got rid of him because they felt they could hire someone to make the show a little bit cheaper and not as grand.  I'm not going to dispute that Frank Darabont can be a little expensive at times, and "Walking Dead" defiantly reeked of that, but he's the person who made the show AS GOOD AS IT WAS!!!  Last time I checked the show won several awards, got huge ratings, satisfied zombie fans ho have yet to commune with other people and fall in love, and was known to be "The Best Show of the Year" - Entertainment Weekly.  I'm sure that I'll still be watching the show after Frank leaves, but i'm sure I'll have a bucket of cheap no-name brand ice-cream by my side.

What the Future Holds?:  Although the TV people will get what they want by not spending that much money on the show, the danger behind that is the possibility that "The Walking Dead" will be just another one of those crappy shows on the SYFY network... My apologies to SYFY, I actually do love some of your shows, you just need to get rid of 99% of your original movies before my heart explodes.  Hopefully they will keep Frank Darabont on as one of the staff at least, because it was his storytelling that made this show so successful in the beginning.

George A. Romero's Deadtime Stories

The Overview:  In this spooky scary movie, also known as "Creepshow IV", George A. Romero is finally honest with us about what scares him the most.  Some of these Phobias include nutty cannibalistic natives of South America, any kind of mermaid including that demon red-head from Disney's "The Little Mermaid", and crazy teenage-hormone-driven Vampires.  With the help of other filmmakers, Romero gives Horror fans three short movies that are sure to make you lock the door, with the fear that one of your phobias will break in... Mine is Rosie O' Donnell.  The thought of her breaking in my house with a mullet scares me more than the Devil himself.

The Good:  Horror movies do tickle my fancy to the utmost, but sometimes an upper lower class ginger doesn't want to sit through one that's longer than 2 hours.  The Grandfather of Horror read my mind perfectly by presenting me with three 30 minute movies that I can watch in more than one sitting.  I don't know if Romero was just trying to revisit the time when he made "Creepshow", but these movies do add to the collection of his other creepy/fun works.  There is the one story in particular about the mermaid that terrified me, which is confusing because I thought mermaids where all a bunch of red-head hotties that travel with talking crabs and Seagulls that don't seem right in the head.  "Deadtime Stories" is a simple Horror experience that doesn't require too much, and is just meant to be laughed at and enjoyed

The Bad:  The actors in this movie obviously don't know how to act, because throughout the whole film I felt like Pepper spraying them all in the eyes... but when I realized that pepper spraying the TV wouldn't work, I did it to myself and then cried like Oliver Twist did after being denied more cereal!  Just because these movies were conducted by Romero doesn't mean that they're master pieces, and you'll see that in the crappy production values that are usually reserved for SYFY original movies.

The Ugly:  The Production values may stink about as much as that possum I ran over a few years ago, and the acting may be compared to the value of Rosie O'Donnell's life, but I enjoyed this movie.  "George A. Romero's Deadtime Stories" was a film I could watch while at the same time doing chores around the house... yes, I actually clean the house.  It's not like I sit in my own filth...errr, gotta go!

2 1/2 out of 5

Captain America

Overview:  Steve Rogers is a strange little boy whose hobbies include: being a wallflower at dances, getting the crap beat out of him in alleys, and falling in love with women who are WAY out of his league.  Knowing that Steve would be the worst soldier ever, he kept on getting rejected from the Army, that is until the Pedophile from "The Lovely Bones" comes along and gives him the chance of a lifetime;  Steve becomes the part of a SUPER-human experiment.  Once he's strapped in to the ultra-powerful (yep primitive) Bow-flex machine filled with the glowy liquid from rave parties, he becomes the patriotic hunk that all the ladies enjoy wooing over, while the guys look to him as a brother.  Together with the U.S. Army Captain America battles with a Nazi that had too much Tabasco sauce as a kid, while trying to win the war at the same time.

The Good:  Let it be known that I'm not the biggest fan of comic book movies, unless it's something by Guillermo del Toro, the "Hulk", or "Thor", but this movie wasn't that bad.  It wasn't only a good movie, it also made me feel strangely patriotic enough that I felt like eating an entire Thanksgiving meal at the Golden Corral.  The Action was awesome all throughout, especially the (SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT) part when a man gets chopped into ground beef when going through the propeller.  Even though C thought he was silly, I actually liked Hugo Weaving as the no-nosed-Nazi, the only reason she didn't like him is because she thought he looked like Jim Carrey from "The Mask", and she was afraid of an inevitable Brazilian-musical number.  Can't say anything bad about Chris Evans, the man is likened unto a bowl of ice-cream... simply pleasant.

The Bad:  The movie was far more entertaining than I thought it would be, and I won't say much since I fear the uprising of the ultimate "Captain America" nerds.  It seems like at times during the movie I kept saying to myself "Who cares about all the mushy stuff, can't you go kill some more Nazis' already?!"  It was definitely a fun comic book/popcorn/summer movie to see, but in some areas it falls short; put it this way, it will never be a "Dark Knight".  I'm also starting to get the feeling that Hollywood is saying "Alright worms! Lets poop out the last Avenger movie so we can start making 'The Avengers'".

The Ugly:  Traditionally this is not the kind of movie I would ever seen in the theaters, but after seeing it and thinking about it in the bathtub afterwards, I realized that it was a fun ride.  Don't go see this movie alone, because not only will you be depressed, but you'll forever hate the U.S. and eventually move to the Middle-east.

3 out of 5

Grizzly Man

Overview:  Timothy Treadwell is quite the (oblivious) happy camper, with his grizzly bears in a remote area of Alaska.  After living with the bears for 13 summers (Holy Heck!) Timothy and his girlfriend are surprisingly mauled to death, and thus ended his job of protecting the bears... They didn't even give him two weeks notice!  It was his goal not only to protect the bears, but to also help people understand the good nature of the grizzlies, alas he proved himself wrong when he was killed; as it turns out grizzlies aren't stuffed with fluff like Winnie the Pooh, instead they're filled with blood n' guts, and a murderous rage that will come to all red heads within their grasps.

The Good:  Director Werner Herzog (Nosferatu the Vampyre) is one of the most original filmmakers in history, and apparently he is very skilled at documentaries.  Even though this Timothy Treadwell is a nut-job, who has no doubt been watching "Winnie the Pooh" and "Will and Grace" too much, he also did what many consider to be impossible.  This non-gay wildlife preservationist ( he makes it very clear he's straight in the movie) becomes a very lovable person who led a pretty remarkable life.  By far the best part of this movie is the ending with that song I like, I don't know what it's called, but it's about as catchy as a katty Perry song... err, Metallica?

The Bad: It's not that I don't love bears, it's just I think their bloodthirsty demon animals that either belong in an Anthony Hopkins movie, or as a rug on my kitchen floor... preferably polar bear because I hear their fur feels quite comfy on human toes, but I digress.  There are parts of this movie that feel less like a documentary, and feel more like an incredibly BORING episode of Animal Planet.  The worst part of this movie is Timothy Treadwell's accent, which sounds like a gay pirate who was raised in a Albanian orphanage since birth. Sounds pretty bad eh?

The Ugly:  This is a pretty good documentary, and I'm not the biggest fan of them unless they're about zombies, Paris Hilton, or Metallica; you know, the things that matter.  Even though Timothy was most likely dropped down the stairs one too many times as a child, he is still the kind of person you look up to.  Great movie by a great Director.

2 1/2 out of 5

The Eagle

Overview:  Realizing he made a mistake by joining the crappy G.I. Joe squad, Channing Tatum decided to take a trip back in time.  Once upon a time in a land far away, Britan was not a safe place to be in the 2nd century, and because the Romans and the Britains were fighting over a woman (or something) they had a large wall dividing the south of the island from the North.  Marcus Aquila is tired of people making fun of his daddy, because several years ago his dad took thousands of men with him into the north, and not only did the savages (who looked like Ewoks by the way) kill a vast majority of them, but they also took an important emblem that signified the honor of Rome.  Because Marcus is such a daddy's boy, he and his slave Billy Elliot embark on a non-"Brokeback Mountain" quest together in order to find the expensive bird and claim it for Rome once again.

The Good:  I really don't know why I like Channing Tatum so much.  Even though he stars in a lot of crap (see my G.I. Joe review) he still manages to entertain; the only time he sucked was in "Fighting", and don't get me started on that piece of toilet waste.  I liked my man Channing in this movie, and the whole time I kept saying to C "WILL YOU PLEASE PUT THE KNIFE DOWN?!!", followed by "I feel like this is Channing Tatum's ideal role, and he should star in more movies like this".  I was not disappointed by the action.  In a War Epic I generally want more battle scenes than story line, and it seems I got what I wanted, much like getting some candy at a parade right before all the kids lunge themselves at you like raptors with hernias.  Jamie Bell was also great as the friend, and it made me happy that throughout the whole movie he didn't do ballet dancing once!  If that was the case, he would be the first to die in battle, because the enemy would feel so shameful watching him dance that killing him would be the only way to help.

The Bad:  Although it's claiming to be a "Grand Epic", I was definitely having a hard time seeing the "Grand" in any of it.  The movie was fun, and it did get C to put the knife down and seize trying to kill me, but the movie id definitely not comparable to one of Ridley Scott's epics.  One other thing I didn't like was the infamous "Seal Tribe" from the north, in other words (I thought) they looked ridiculous.  First of all their face paint was just straight mud, like they rolled in it like piggies, and that's not hard to do because I do it all the time!  And for once I'd like not to be made a fool out of.  Next time I hear about a "Seal Tribe", I would like for them to actually show up in SEAL COSTUMES!!  They need to ditch the mud and head to the nearest Dollar Tree to buy some seal apparel, because to me nothing sounds more frightening than a bunch of armed seals coming at me...

The Bad:  Although it may not be a Grand War Epic since it's mostly based around two guys, it is still a very good War Epic that can easily be watched more than once.  The acting was amazing, the action was SWEET, the ballet dancing was non-existent, and I felt like a man afterwards... I even had ribs last night, and I ate them without any etiquette!

3 out of 5