X-Men: First Class

Overview:  Puberty does funny things to all of us.  For boys, their voices start squeaking in awkward ways, and they start thinking about girls more, as opposed to when they were a part of the he-man-women-hater-club; I don't have the right to speak on behalf of the girls.  Now with the people in "X-Men", they hit puberty with a vengeance.  Some are able to read minds, control metal, fly like satanic fairies, and some just hit puberty really heavily (I'm speaking to you Beast, you old lug).  Working with the government, all these different mutants get to know one another over Facebook (cerebro), and band together in order to stop the "Footloose" guy from taking over the world.

The Good:  I love all the "X-Men" movies, and yes that even includes the one about Wolverine growing up.  Like many of the other nerds out there who claim to be fans of the comic books but never actually read any of them, I fantasize often about being admitted into the bald man's school of the gifted.  I envision me running, skipping, and using my mutation powers for mischief, and only for mischief.  Much like "Star Wars Episode III" I loved "First class" because I got to see all the little "tie-ins" and explanations about why things happened the way they did in the other movies.  James McAvoy, what a man he is! Even as the young bald nerd on wheels, C and I have come to love him just as much as his older self, and the same goes for the young Magneto, I would love to hang out with him where we can throw cars off bridges together.

The Bad: I thought Mystique was supposed to be the hot blue girl that took no crap from anyone, but in this movie she looks for like one of the Gossip Girls drenched in blue paint, and she wines more than Nancy Drew after she couldn't crack a case.  Besides the obvious main characters, there wasn't much character development with the other mutated/puberty stricken people.  One last beef I had with this was how ANGRY I was when Magneto turned evil, and although I knew it was going to happen, it still made me want to beat him with a plastic baseball bat.

The Ugly:  This definitely ranks up there as one of the better "X-Men" movies right next to "X2: X-Men United".  There may not be as much character development, but what would you expect from another "X-Men" movie? they can't very well tell everybody's story now can they?  This was an awesome film that reminds us why superhero movies are so awesome!! It also reminds us of how necessary puberty is!

4 1/2 out of 5

Dark Water

Overview:  Water flows constintly in this run-down-i'd-rather-live-in-Harlem kind of neighborhood, and it isn't the good kind of water, this is the kind of H2O someone would expect to see at the bottom of a portapotty (man that's disgusting imagery).  Because of her douchie Jersey-shore ex-husband, Dahlia and her unnaturally happy daughter move to the previously mentioned crapptacular place in hopes to make a new start.  But the longer they stay at the apartment they begin to realize that the people living above them either suck at fixing an overflowing toilet, or they are disgusting horders that role in their own filth.

The Good:  I like Jennifer Connelly, and not the "I wish I took her to MacDonald's" kind of nice, but more like the "We have a secret handshake that's full of gangster symbols" type.  When watching the "Dark Water" trailer I was again deceived because the trailer made it look like the storyline was vast and complex, but to my delight (which is very simular to finding a twinkie and $5 on the ground in one day) the story was suprisingly simple and easy to follow.   You knew that there was going to be a twist at the end, but at least this one you can guess your way through.  May it also be known that I am a fan of dark liquid substances (mostly blood) coming out of the walls in movies, I don't know why but it reminds me of having pancakes for dinner.

The Bad:  The movie isn't joking around when it says that "Water" is it's key ingrediant, IT'S EVERYWHERE!!  After the movie was over C and I said to each other "I feel soaking wet and dirty", and then I proceeded to fill my tub with hand sanitizer and basked in it's cleansing powers.  Although this was a cute and fun little movie to watch, it was a little VERY anti-climatic.  I don't know how many Japanese Horror remakes Hollywood is going to do, but I think it's about time to call it quits, because it looks like they're trying to make another "Ring", but that obviously failed when they tried "Ring 2".  Now if they were to do a sequel to this movie I would definitly have a helping hand in coming up with a title, and it would be called "Dark Toilet Water" rated NC-17 for crohnsy effects!! I know that's a little weird to say, but there was a part of me that demanded it.

The Ugly:  I would go see this, but if you have hopes for it to be the next "Ring" movie then you might as well stick your head in the oven and turn it on 400, because "The Ring" movies are over!

2 out of 5 

The Ward

Overview:  When Kristen discovers that she like to play with matches, she's taken and admitted to the loony bin at the local hospital with four unnaturally hot roommates.  Kristen quickly realizes that somethings wrong when 1. She notices that the years have been kind to her roommates since they look like cover-girl supermodels, and 2. One by one they're being stalked by what looks like Michael Jackson, but is really a zombified version of "The Ring" girl.

The Good:  John Carpenter is up in the ranks with George A. Romero and Wes Craven by being one of the greatest Horror filmmakers of all time.  Even though everyone knows that Psych wards aren't really filled with armature supermodels it's still fun to watch them freak out and try to plan an escape, and this time we don't have to worry about any lingerie models having a fantasy-dance-montoges.  There isn't much too this movie, and you basically get everything that it's selling you, which is a haunted hospital full of babes.

The Bad:  I don't want tos ay it was forgetable, because this was made by John Carpenter, and that would be like saying Captain Crunch gives you caveties.  There are parts of this movie that are pretty forgetable though, but at the same time I still liked it, like how i'm going to continue eating Captain Crunch even if my teeth rot away.  Although I'm not going to give the reasons why, this movie is like the younger sister to "Shutter Island", and NO that doesn't give anything away in regards to the ending; trust me, i'm a red-head.

The Ugly:  I knew this movie wasn't going to be the greatest picture ever, since it  had practicallyno advertising it was only released into select theaters, but at the same time I actually liked it.  Look past the certain forgettable parts, and take part in the girl's insanity and fight for survival. 

3 out of 5

The Box

Overview:  Everything looks peachy with the Lewis family... all up until the peaches start to mold and sprout little white hairs; translation= they receive pay cuts and their son is awkward.  Things start to look brighter (in a grim way) when a man with a bad case of the botox presents them with a Box.  Within the box is a button, and if pressed one person whom they don't know in the world will die, but the upside is they'll receive payment of $1,000,000.  What will they choose?! I personally think they should press the button, get the money, and pay to have the man's face fixed.

The Good:  This is one of those Faust-like films that make you do some deep soul searching.  When watching the movie we all say to ourselves "I would never push that button.  I go to Sunday school every day.  Everybody poops", but if we were presented with the box what would we do?  This is a powerful movie about morals, which in a odd way makes it creepier than most, because it can make you question yourself.

The Bad:  The movie is one of our favorites to watch, but there are a couple times during this movie that become so boring that I would rather study for my Human Anatomy class just for fun... and that's when you know the world has been flushed down the toilet.

The Ugly:  besides the mans face which looks more like the black lung of a smoker, the movie is as delicious as a peeled apple.  I liken "The Box" unto a box (ha!) of Lucky Charms, there are the normal parts of the cereal that taste like sandpaper, but a majority of the time you're squealing with delight over the amount of marshmallows that make your taste-buds scream "GIGGITY!!"

4 out of 5

The Time Traveler's Wife

Overview:  Life sorta sucks for Henry DeTamble, because at any random moment his body can disappear like Nicole Richie and land anywhere in time.  Time travel for Henry is basically a curse, and not in the way that we hear it in other movies where the curse is actually something freakishly awesome! No in this movie the curse is actually a "my-life-will-forever-suck-and-I-might-as-well-be-paralyzed-from-the-waist-down" kind of thing.  To make things a bit more complicated he woo's and (SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT) gets married to a girl named Clare Abshire, and during the young married couple find ways to deal with his problem.  Speaking of SPOILER ALERT you know that they get married because it's in the title, ga-der!!

The Good:  Nothing beats a good tearjerker after spending an entire day at school about an hour away.  Sometimes when I get back from school after a stressful day all I want to do is lay down on the couch with the blinds down and a bucket of ice-cream in my hands while a sappy romantic movie tries to touch my heart in weird places.  Eric Bana (to me) is the perfect idea of a MAN, because this guy has done everything from "The Hulk" to "Munich" and then this little diddy that's sure to make even the manliest of men question their testosterone levels.  Rachel McAdams does terrific as always, and she doesn't even need Ryan Gosling or his strategically placed flock of flamboyant delicious-looking geese.  It seems that no matter what role she's given, Rachel will tackle it with flying colors, she's like the chick version of Justin Timberlake.


The Bad:  Oh Nicholas Sparks, you sure do know how to make sappy romances look hopeful, until they fall to the butt-crack of the earth like a pile of bricks... but (sadly) to my surprise I found out that this was not one of his stories, although I could have sworn it was due to all the sad/tragic/happy story-line coming my way.  I know that it was the "sadness" of this movie that made it so appealing to watch, but i'm suddenly in the mood for the cliche chick-flick where nothing goes wrong and everything ends up happy in the end with a make-out scene on the Golden Gate Bridge.

The Ugly:  Eric Bana is definitely one of the manliest men alive, and Rachel McAdams is one of the chickiest of chicks out there as well.  Although this movie reeks tremendously of a Nicholas Sparks fart, it turns out that it's not one of his movies and it's actually pretty engaging.

3 1/2 out of 5

Soul Surfer

Overview:  Looks like our girl from "Bridge to Terabithia" (Bethany Hamilton) has grown up into a kick-butt surfer in Hawaii, and thank goodness she's now a corn-fed (say-about-ten-hail-Mary's-a-day) Christian.  one day when she was lollygagging in the ocean pretending to be "Whale Rider", a shark with a simple appetite came up and bit her arm off.  With all sympathies towards Bethany she's lucky that the shark was an idiot, because he only wanted a nibble instead of the four-course meal, just like when a hobo tried to kill me for a dollar on my honeymoon.  Due to her new found one-armness, Bethany's dreams to become a professional Surfer look quite bleak.  Will her Dennis Quaid help her reach her dreams, and will Bethany allow it?

The Good:  When I was a kid my mom paraded my red-hair around because it was so beautiful, and it reminded everyone of Autum and blood, this movie does the same thing for Hawaii.  The whole time the two of us were thinking "We should visit that place because it is so gosh-darn-dangit beautiful".  The settings are gorgeous and the Surfing dance offs are breathe taking, but that's probably because I grew up in San Francisco where the water was so cold that I come out looking like Edward Cullen.  Although cheesy, the acting is pretty pleasant thanks to AnnaSophia Robbs, Dennis Quaid, and the almost fully dressed Helen Hunt.  This movie made me want to pursue my dreams, and take a bite out of the arm of life. HA! Dark.

The Bad:  Just because I said the acting was good thanks to the three people mentioned above, that doesn't mean the same compliment applies to Carrie Underwood.  Her acting was about as stinky as an un-wiped bottom, and the two of us agreed that she only signed up for this role because it's a chance to earn some extra dough, even if it goes bad; she makes most of her money with music anyways.  One last thing that I find annoying in cinema is when movies become too religiously preachy like this one, which shouldn't annoy me because i'm a staunch Mormon, but it makes me want to chew on a tree regardless.  I don't want to feel like I'm in Sunday School when I'm watching a movie that takes place in Hawaii, I want to feel like i'm swimming with fishes that don't want to chew my arm off;  "Soul Surfer" should take notes from "The Other Side Of Heaven", because that movie is about religion yet it avoids being preachy.  What C hated about this movie was the lack of Katie Perry's "Fireworks" song, I had to sing her some Enya to calm her down.

The Ugly:  Excusing my rant about hating Carrie Underwood's acting career, this movie is pretty good.  I also exaggerated how preachy this movie was (only slightly), it's just sometimes red flags of "What the heck?" get sent up.  This is a fairly good movie with an engaging plot and one heck of a good ending.

"127 Hours" comparison:  I love comparing this film to "127 Hours" because both of them are about loosing limbs.
-differences: "Soul Surfer" focuses more on the before-and-after effects of having and loosing an arm, and it is freakishly cheesy.  "127 Hours" is more about the intensity of the moment, and focuses more on the man's will to live.
-Simularities: they both loose arms.  The point to each of these stories is to not go Rock climbing, or Surfing... ever!!!

3 out of 5

PROM

Overview:  Oh boy, it's that time of the year where a bunch of angsty tweens get together to celebrate... freak-dancing with each other and hoping they'll get a smoochie?  Nova Prescott is your A-typical preppy class president who acts like a Stepford wife and still thinks the world is full of rainbows, which it isn't... unless your in San Francisco. BAM!  Everything is looking peachy for Nova's Prom night, that is until the school bad boy began helping her with the decorations as a punishment, and he doesn't want to because it would ruin his nonchalant (I've seen how bleak life can be and that's my reason for riding this motorcycle and dressing like a gay pirate) attitude. Will Nova and the rest of her high school peers have the prom they've always dreamed of, or will it blow like a whale struggling for breathe?

The Good:  Since C and I first got together, I noticed how she's poisoning me slowly.  I used to stay away from Disney cheesy crap like this, but now I'm finding myself loving it with the blinds down.  This film has everything an ultra cheesy high school chick flick needs, including: the bad boy who acts like he doesn't care about anyone and dresses like he used to work at Abrocrombe and Fitch, a football players who like to two-time women, and the ditsy class president who thinks that everything is going to be easy after high school.  This movie is massively ridiculous, but that's what C and I like so much about it; nothing brings us more happiness and self-esteem than watching a bunch of loser teenagers think they know squat about dating.

The Bad:  I take this about as seriously as "High School Musical" and saving the polar bears... I couldn't care less, and i'm sure that a majority of all people who see this movie will agree with me; I just don't take high schoolers seriously.  other than that there's not much about this movie that sucks, except the teenage love at times can make you want to hurl, so it all depends on how well you stomach that vomit-worthy lovey-dovey "I'll marry you right after high school" stuff.

The Ugly:  Not bad is this movie be thee says I.  If you are a person like me and likes to make fun of naive high-schoolers, then this movie is the perfect choice!  Or if you are the kind of person who eats the Jane Austen cereal for breakfast then this is also the perfect choice, but beware it might give you cavities.

3 1/2 out of 5

Biutiful

Overview:  After he avoided the cops at the end of "No Country For Old Men" Javier Bardem is now in his native country of Spain.  Uxbal's life more or less sucks, and i'm closer to becoming a crab fisherman than I am to envying his life.  He has a lot of crap (not) going for him right now, including: a crack addict wife who is abusive and sleeps around with his siblings, his friends are getting canned, he has to support his two children, and his health isn't in the best of shape.  As things come to a close he has to juggle everything from the good, the bad, to the worst... at least this time he isn't killing random hicks with an air-gun.

The Good:  Inarritu has a pretty good reputation of making sad films with important messages, and this has to be the king of them.  "Biutiful" is a 2+-hour movie that succeeds in being depressing all the way through, but at the same time it's not the kind of depressing movie that makes you want to run over neighborhood children on bicycles because you don't see the point in life anymore, it's the kind of depression that makes you value your own life and helps you gain perspective on what's really important... That and you're not running over kids. Javier Bardem, much like Inarritu, has a great track record so far since all the movies he's been in have been phenomenal, and that's largely due to his powerful acting.  Javier has to be one of the greatest actors out there, because half the time he doesn't have to speak any dialog, instead his powerful facial expressions do all the talking for him, and if you don't believe me go see this or "No Country for Old Men".

The Bad: Just because I said that Inarritu has an excellent track record so far doesn't mean that his movies are completely flawless.  C and I thought the movie was extremely captivating, until we looked at how much time has passed by... 2 HOURS! are you CROHN'SING ME?!  In two hours I could have watched a normal (happy) movie and had enough time to read a book, make dinner, and then have a bubble bath with strawberries and chocolate fondue right next to me.  It was good, but unless it's another "Lord of the Rings" movie, then please keep it NOT that long.

The Ugly:  Much like "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" series, this movie definitely is not for everyone.  It's a depressing  film that rivals "Grave of the Fireflies" and "Schindler's List" when it comes to being one of the saddest movies of all time, but thankfully that's not all going for it.  Beneath all the sorrow is a lot of great cinema magic, great acting, inspiring messages, and... Spanish people?

4 out of 5

The Dilemma

Overview:  Ronny and James are the best of friends, and both have landed relationships with babes, or did they?  Ronny had the unfortunate experince of seeing James' wife cheating on him with a G. I. Joe, and because he doesn't want to discourage him during their huge deal with a car company, he keeps it a secret about as awkwardly as a 6-year old red head who had just stolen a snickers bar from a Marathon station.

The Good:  C and I were pleasently suprised how good this movie was.  I haven't broken the truth to many people that their spouses are cheating on them, but according to Vince Vaughn it's quite the crappy position to be in.  Winona Ryder has finally dropped the "I'm shoplifting for my hubbie Edward Scissorhands" mojo, and has now turned into the unlovable tramp we always knew she would.  Channing Tatum went back to his stripper roots in order to do a really good job being a white-trash home-wrecker, and I don't fully know the reasons why I like this man, especially since he was in that piece of crap also called "G.I. Joe", but I have a great feeling that he'll be the next Rock/Schwarzenegger.  Vince Vaughn delivers a good role once again, and although it isn't as funny as all of his crashing in "Wedding Crashers", he did a good enough job that I would take him to get unlimited bread-sticks at Olive Garden.

The Bad:  It's not that I don't like overweight comedians, because Chris Farley and I used to be tight, and I've always been a fan of Kevin James on "King of Queens".  For some reason Kevin James dances in every movie, which as far as i'm concerned started with "Hitch", but now it's starting to get old.  Now whenever I see him dance (which he does a lot in this movie), I want to revisit my days preparing for a colonoscopy where poop and upchucking comes like Niagara falls.  Jennifer Connelly for some reason falls short in this movie, it might be because it's mostly centered around Vince and Kevin and Winona's flusie ways, so it seems  that Connelly doesn't have much to contribute.  The biggest problem this movie had was it's marketing.  C and I were always confused when we saw the trailer for this because it looked like it was trying to be the next "Dumb and Dumber", and then we realized it was a drama film with only a handful of laughs; we were mislead like we were with O. J. Simpson's book.

The Ugly:  Don't go see this movie thinking that it's going to be the next "Dumb and Dumber", because that will ruin everything for you.  This was a great drama-filled flick that kept C and I interested all the way through.

3 out of 5

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

Overview:  It all started when Count Mondego (Alex) ran off with Tom Cruise's wife, and in their giddiness they decided to renovate an old home with a dark secret.  When Alex's non-Suri daughter named Sally moves in with them, she begins hearing creepy voices coming from the vent in the secret basement.  As if she wasn't depressed enough (somebody get this squirt some Hawaiian Punch), she begins making friends with the sadistic-dentists-shaped-like-Muppets-from-hell, but as it turns out they want something more than her friendship; this is not a "Friends with Benefits" reference by the way.

The Good:  I would really like to do something nice for Guillermo del Toro, and i'm not just talking about sending him a gift card with cute girls on it, i'm talking about baking him a cake and sprinkling it with love and appreciation, also known as buckets of chocolate.  Aside from the fact that the cake wouldn't help his weight problem, the reason I say these nice things is because det Toro is a genius!  He doesn't just make good horror films for the sake of scaring people, he makes films that feel and look beautiful in a very creepy way.  It was his touch that made the film as good as it was.  It was him who came up with the house that looks more like something out of Dr Seuss' worst nightmare, and the creepy creatures that rival some of those from "Pan's Labyrinth".  The acting (surprisingly) doesn't disappoint as well.  Although I love her husband, I've grown a lovable attachment making fun of the Cruise family, and I was slightly disappointed to see that her acting was pretty dang good; the same goes for Guy Pearce as the forgetful father, and Bailee Madison as the sorrowful daughter.

The Bad:  Besides the fact that it scared the crap out of C, I really don't think there's anything bad about this little gem..... wait... I've got one.  I'm not a big fan of teeth, especially right now since my crown is wiggling, and a good portion of this movie is about those while little rocks.  Usually in Horror films (or any kind of film) if someone gets stabbed in the back people don't usually shriek too much, but if anything happens with nails or teeth people freak out of their squishy minds, like when someone scratches a chalk-board.

The Ugly:  C may argue with me about this, but I don't think this movie is that scary, at least it's not as scary as "Insidious".  What is good in this movie is the creepy atmosphere vibe, courtesy of del Toro (I owe him a chocolate cake and a card), and i'm sure everyone who views this movie will be hearing whispers all over the place afterwards, but this time it's not Kobe or Michael Jackson.  This is an awesomely well put together Horror film that keeps the mind alert

4 1/2 out of 5