The Avengers

HULK SMASH!!!  Seeing this film was an absolute delight, and that's coming from a guy who can honestly care less about superheros who dress like a bunch of D&D nerds.  This film (much like the Expendables) reaks of Testosterone filled awesomeness, and just when you thought there couldn't be anymore awesomeness, it kept coming.   I have to tell ya even though I enjoyed this flick to the utmost, It broke my heart to see a bunch of people dressing up for the movie.  After my brother and I came out of the matinee showing, it was to our horror when we saw a bunch of Napoleon Dynamite-type people dressed up as Thor, and acting just like him.  Although they are having fun, they just made the idea of making out with a hot girl a VERY DISTANT THOUGHT!  Maybe they'll run into a manly woman who also enjoys dressing up as Thor, but it makes me cringe to think of what those make-out sessions would look like...  The story picks up where each individual avenger movie left off.  Thor's douche-bag of a brother decides to befriend ET's relatives, and take over planet earth (I guess ET hated our planet more than we all thought).  And that is when America's favorite black pirate "Dark Fury" gathers all these super heroes together, because they are the earth's only hope.  The Result of all these heroes being together is one AMAZING battle scene that takes place in the ending, which is like porn for these hero loving nerds, or like the Food Network for me on a good day.  
This was a very fun movie to watch, and it makes me think of who my superhero team would include.  It would be as follows:  Jason, Freddy, Alien, Predator, Hannibal, the rabbit from Donnie Darko, and the Woman in black...  That actually sounds like a horrible idea.

5 out of 5

The Raven

It's not every day when your chick-flick loven wife says "Lets go see a Horror movie this weekend!"  After I soiled myself, I went to go change my pants and said "Lets go babe!"  Then I kissed her in the same fashion the people in "Gone with the Wind" do.
The death of Edgar Allan Poe is a huge mystery among English teachers, Gothic nerds, Horror lovers, and British people  all around, and this movie is an attempt to explain the "unusual circumstances" that led to his death.  Played by John Cusack, Edgar is going through a midlife crisis because he feels all his creativity is washed up, and he didn't have enough money to afford a Mercedes so there was no possible way to fill that gap.  Things start to change for Poe when people start dying in the same manner that characters died  in his poems, making him a valuable asset to the police in capturing the little squirt.  This may not have been the greatest movie ever made, but the premise is cool enough that everything else doesn't matter.  It was cute to see my wife watch this movie because she spent the whole time pointing out which one of Edgar's poems were being depicted by the killer, and it was especially cute when the answer was obvious, like the "pit and the pendulum."  One thing I must point out is how Ironic it is that the movie is called the Raven, when ravens are constantly dying throughout the film!  I swear those are the stupidest birds of all time, because they're always putting themselves into positions of getting shot, trampled, or choked by an 8-year old ginger.  You'd think they'd learn from trial-and-error how to survive better, but instead it's like what Forrest Gump once said, "Stupid is as stupid does."  The movie has definitely reaffirmed my belief that the raven is the depressed suicidal creature of the bird world.  Regardless of my hatred for that bird, what would have made the movie even better was if the bad guy was literally a Raven!  Wouldn't that be cool?  A human/raven man who is too fat to fly but can perch on furniture, squawking nonstop... What was in that cereal?

3 1/2 out of 5

The Muppets

"Everything is great, everything is grand, I've got the whole wide world in the palm of my.." CRAP!!  You know that when you have a song in your head and it won't leave, it's either very catchy like a Katy Perry song, or it's about as deadly as getting hit with Rebecca Black's "Friday", which inevitably makes all future Fridays the worst day of the week.  Even though I've never actually seen the famous "Muppet Show" (put that knife down), I did grow up watching "Muppets take Manhattan" and "Muppet Babies"  during the better part of my childhood.  But that was last week, and now i'm hungry for something fresh, like the way Subway makes their sandwiches.  Being a huge fan of the Muppet movies, I can honestly say that this is the funniest one so far, and that includes being better than the original.  What makes this one so knee-slapping funny is mostly due to the writing abilities of Jason Segel, and for the musical talent of Flight of the Concord's Bret Mckenzie.  Bringing the wittiness of "How I Met Your Mother" and the "Flight Of The Concords" to the Muppets had to be one of the smoothest moves in movie making history, the only thing that comes close is Mariah Carey's performance in "Glitter".
Walter is Jason Segel's Muppet of a brother, and is "The Muppets" biggest fan, so when the chance came to visit the set of the "Muppet Show" HE TOOK IT!  It was to his muppet sadness when he found out that someone wants to replace it with an oil plant, and so in order to save the studio he has to get the whole Motley Crue back together for another production of "Sweeney Todd" and "CHICAGO".
This was a fun show, and it was good to see puppeteers put their hands up the Muppet's butts to make wholesome family comedy once again.  So go enjoy this movie, and don't be one of those losers that think the movie is a political statement against oil.  Those people obviously need to settle down and get an enema every once in an hour.

5 out of 5

The Hunger Games

Based off the best selling board game called "Hungry Hungry Hippos", The "Hunger Games" is a story about games and... hunger?  And oh how hungry these kids are... for BLOOD!!  In giving the summary of this story, I'm afraid that if I get ANY part of it wrong, then some nerd without a girl/boyfriend will rip my kidneys out, and then proceed to do the scouts honor sign over my corpse.  Here I go.  There was apparently a lot of turmoil in futuristic United States, and because of the oppression the poor districts received from the capital, they decided to rebel.  It was a violent battle that had a lot to do fashion.  The "non-capital" people wore a traditional crap-outfit for the battle, while the Capital people went for the Drag-queen look with a hint of douche-bag.  Obviously the Drag-queens killed the hobo-fashion in the other districts, and to remind them of who their masters are, people are gathered from each district to participate in an annual reality-show. As entertaining as it may sound, the show is less like Jersey Shore, and more like a kids version of Gladiator.  Named after cat marijuana, Catnip is the hero of the story, and volunteers to be put into the death-match so that her sister will be spared.  Along side her is another boy selected from her district named Pita-chips, and eventually the two become friends, which is cute because they have to kill each other later on!!

Besides the fact that this movie is propaganda for people to join the BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA, I actually had a creepy fun time with it.  The thing that I find strange is that I'm an avid Horror film fan (if you couldn't tell), and yet the idea of children killing other children for entertainment disturbs me more than most slasher films, especially since the victims in slasher films are for the most part idiots who deserve their fate.  That isn't to say that I didn't enjoy it, because much like Twilight, Iron Chef, or Mob Wives, this film kept me at the edge of my seat the entire time.  I was also alert because I was surrounded by a bunch of nerdy High school kids, and it's common knowledge that when they get hyper people die.

31/2 out of 5

The Woman In Black

Harry Potter is back in black!  Literally!  But do you know what isn't back? Those stupid round glasses he wears.  No wonder he had such a hard time making out with witches at Hogwarts, because kissing him with those glasses would be the same as kissing an alien... not that I ever dreamed of doing that, I love my wife, SHUT UP!  I'm sure everyone was wondering what Daniel Radcliff's first post-Harry potter movie would be like, and if he would even be capable of doing a role that has nothing to do with "the boy who lived".  Thankfully Potter didn't disappoint, and actually it was quite the opposite because he looked pretty pissed half the time, which raised him up on the awesome scale about 50 points.   After graduating from Hogwarts and killing the bald albino, Mr Potter decided to live the American dream by becoming a depressed real estate agent in England.  having arrived to a depressing remote town to settle some paper work on a house, people in the town are about as receptive to him as much as hillbillies are to showers.  I'd like to blame it on the fact that they're racist, but Daniel Radcliffe is whiter then they are, so maybe they're mad at him for ending the Harry Potter movies and getting married to a ginger.  After being in the town for only a short while, he starts seeing a woman in black (duh!!) creeping around the house claiming to be Kobe Bryant, and every time he catches a glimpse of her someone in the town dies.  I personally think that the woman in black is just Voldemort wearing a wig, which should bring comfort to the audience because they know who will win the fight in the end.
This was a very scary and fun movie, that is sure to make kids all around the world pee their beds because they're too afraid to go to the bathroom during the night.  At first I thought the movie made me pee MY pants, but then I realized that I just got a Charlie horse which caused me to spill buttery popcorn all over.  Or did I?

4 1/2 out of 5

The Innkeepers

Once upon a time there was a cute little movie that came out in 2009 called "House of the Devil", and I knew that when I saw the blood squirting violently all over the screen it would be love at first sight!  That movie was so well put together that I likened it unto Justin Bieber's hair, in that it knew where it wanted to be and what its purpose was.  Director Ti West is one awesome dude for creating that gem, and I hope that he answers my invitation to my 26th birthday party coming up, and if he doesn't then I'll just facebook stalk him to death... but I digress.  Needless to say there was a lot of anticipation coming from me and my wife for his new film "The Innkeepers", and thankfully it was just as good if not better than "House of the Devil".  In this movie Ti West steers clear from the "special effects" trend that so many other Horror directors seem to fall under, and instead he focuses on the atmosphere of the movie using his signature "build-up" scenes to create a powerful punch (kind of like Monster energy drink minus the crash) of an ending.  Even though I value this movie as much as my cookie dough ice cream in the fridge, it may not be for everybody because there isn't a constant flash of special effects bombarding the audience into a seizure induced coma.  But if you value a good old fashioned Horror flick being made by a man who doesn't seem to be afraid taking new steps in the genre, then this movie (much like your lungs, sternum, or pacemaker, or even cookie dough ice cream) will be close to your heart... then to your stomach, then to your intestine, then to your.. DANG-IT I WANT ICE CREAM!!

P.S. After my wife realized that I didn't give any hint what the movie was about, I thought it best to give you a sample, much like the samples of food you get at sam's club.  Claire and Luke are the Innkeepers (getting it so far) at an old Hotel that is a couple days away from closing, and before it's ripped to shreds for a baby gap, strip club, or hopefully an LDS Temple, they plan on staying up all night in hope of making contact with a ghost named Madeline (like the redheaded french girl) who died there shortly after her honeymoon.  now go gettem tigers!

The Thing

Ranking right up there with Steven Spielberg, Metallica, and Alf, John Carpenter is a national treasure that shouldn't be picked on like a red-headed stepchild in a lower class middle school.  When John Carpenter made "The Thing" it was a phenomenon!  there was nothing about that movie that wasn't good.  The music was chilling, the graphics were amazingly twisted, the coats looked warm, and the acting was pretty dang good.  There wasn't a single ingredient in that movie that wasn't delicious, much like the ingredients to a grilled stuffed burrito... before you wake up in the middle of the night hugging the toilet like it's one of the care bears.  With that movie (Made in 1982), why would anyone want to pick on that ginger and make another one?  Needless to say I was skeptical about a remake, but when I heard that it was only a prequel my bowls rested a little better.  It wasn't as good as the John Carpenter original, but it wasn't trying to be, it was only acting as a tribute to Carpenter's (only this time with better graphics).  What I liked most about this movie was they included even MORE of the "Who is Alien and who is Human?" stuff, because it's a chance to see a bunch of grown ups point fingers at each other like it's another Jerry Springer episode, only this time there's no scandal between people who look like they've been spanked a little too hard as newborns.  So go enjoy this one, and if you really want to get the most out of this experience then have a grilled stuffed burrito in one hand, and a role of toilet paper in the other.

3 1/2 out of 5