My Top (almost) 10: Worst Horror Films Ever Made

Why did I write this madness?:  I just realized that I gave all my favorite Horror films, and as a result, all of them were blessed with a good review.  So to bring balance to the force, I've decided to give a brief overview of the crappy of the crappy Horror films.  These are the Horror films that you would rather slam your fingers in the door repeatedly, than watch them.

10. JAWS THE REVENGE:  You have got to be kidding me! The shark has feelings now?  This shark has had his feelings hurt so much by the Brody family that he's now decided to start working out his gills, and making his way towards the family's vacation spot in the Bahamas.  I don't even feel bad for the Brody family, instead I feel sorry for all the Great White sharks out there in the world, because ever since this movie came out they all feel like a bunch of swimming idiots.  Let us all join hands and pray that there will NEVER be another "JAWS" movie.

9. The Haunting Of Molly Hartley:  This is EXACTLY what the world needed, a Horror movie with a cast filled with crappy TV stars from TV's crappiest shows.  Molly is about to turn 18, and this is bad, because at 18 the Devil gets to claim her life as a result of her parent's stupid decision making... not to mention bargaining skills.  As the days are counting down to her birthday, Molly's hauntings continually get worse, as does the interest of the audience.  I honestly don't think there was anything wrong with her, but instead I think she's going through the motions of being a ditsy High School student, that thinks she knows more than her parents.

8.  Mortuary:  Tobe Hopper shocked the world with the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", and now he's shocked the world with this dump.  The story of a mortitian family moving into a haunted funeral home seemed like a good enough story, but for some reason it never panned out well, instead I felt like I was watching a combination of "Goosebumps" and "Glee" put together; If that isn't reason enough, I bought this movie as a four pack in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart.

7. SAW series:  For those who are really wanting to know what I think about this pointless series, they can look to one of my previous posts titled “The Reasons Why I Hate SAW”.  I can’t get it past my head why this is the most successful Horror Franchise since… “Nightmare On Elm Street”?  There is nothing about people being totrured for pointless reasons that I find redeeming at all, unless you’re a nut-job. 

6. Alone In The Dark:  Uwe Boll is known as the worst film director in all of Hollywood, and that’s because he’s notorious for making movies based solely off of videogames.  Watching this man’s films makes you want to shoot yourself in the foot, and then not let it heal because you want to be reminded that you’re in the real world, and not stuck in Uwe Boll’s crohnsy universe.  “Alone In The Dark”… I actually have no idea what it’s reall about, and that’s how bad it is.  I know there was some zombie/vampires thrown into the mix, and near the end there were some creatures that resembled the Satanic versions of “Pete’s Dragon”.

5. House Of The Dead:  Oh boy, another one of Uwe Boll’s masterpieces.  Starting this movie is like watching a bunch of toolish men being overrun by zombies… wait, that was the story.  That may sound like a cool story, but don’t be misled, because when you’re finished with this movie you’ll be tempted to shoot the OTHER foot; then again I pity the fool who watches “Alone In The Dark” and “House Of The Dead” back to back. 

4. Troll 2:  It’s widely known that “Troll 2” is not only a trashy Horror movie, but it’s one of the WORST movies ever made.  It follows the story of a boy who’s led by his Yoda-like dead grandfather, in order to protect his family from a bunch of midgit goblins (yes, NOT Trolls) who have the ability to transform (like that naked blue chick from X-Men) into whoever they want.  I remember watching this movie with my grandfather when I was like 6, and it was so craptacular that I still remember every scene of it.

3. Undead:  I’m one of those people that loves any movie that involves zombies eating worthless people (psst, “The Jersey Shore” cast, psst), but this one makes all other zombies look stupider than they already are.  The story is the ideal zombie one, where a bunch of people try to avoid all the undead by taking refuge in a broken down hickish appartment.  The best part of this movie that I like to laugh at is the Hichish farmer, who just so happnens to know martial arts, and can shoot a gun 10 times better than Dick Cheney.  He is such an unrealistic character, and it doesn’t make sense that he’s so well groomed with pefrect teeth! 

2. Return Of The Living Dead: Rave To The Grave:  I wish that the name of this movie was the only bad part, but I’ve been wrong before, just like I used to think I had Hemroids right before being diagnosed with crohns.  The horrid story is about a bunch of druggy teengers deciding to have a rave one night, but the only thing that begins to rave are their zombie hormones, but you already know the rest of the cliché story.  It’s movies like this that remind me of why I hate Hip-Hop as well, no thanks to that rave party

1. Queen Of The Damned:  Worst vampire acting EVER!!!  Before the “Twilight” vampires ruined everything (for the men), it was this piece of work that made me absolutly despise them.  It’s a sad thought that his was Aaliyah’s last movie she did before she died, but surely she’s remembered for her music career, and not for this poor excuse for a film.  This is the perfect reason of why Hollywood should never combine vampires with EMO music, because the result is a bunch of flamboyant people who are confused to the utmost about their sexuality. 

 And for the last one, DRUM ROLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

0. The Exorcist II: The Heritic:  The first “Exoricst” film took the world by storm and shocked everyone. “Exoricst II”, on the other hand, shocked everyone so much that they all had BMs, and that is not a compliment.  The second instalment definitly cured what I thought was lacking from the first one, and that was by adding a complex storyline.  I should have been happy right?  HECK NO! The story was so complex that I felt like I was watching “Pirates Of The Caribbean 3” instead of an “Exorcist” movie.  I am 100% positive that “Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls” was scarier than this piece of work.

P.S. Do you like how I counted to zero? It was my little touch of how much credit this movie deserves.