Nosferatu the Vampyre

Overview:  Oh happy day!  Dracula and Voldemort were able to conceive a child with the help of dark-arts and modern science, and that baby’s name is... albino Dracula? Well mazol tov to you both!  Ok that may not be true, but this inspired version of Dracula does look like Voldemort has been wiping his nose all over it.  Selling a Wismar estate to Count Dracula seemed like the perfect way for Jonathan Harker to earn his fortune.  After completely ignoring the Romanian hippies with the handle-bar mustaches, John walks up to Dracula‘s castle like a doofus and sets off a chain of unfortunate events with the buck-toothed vampire and his town of Wismar.  Meanwhile Lucy (Jonathan’s not-mina fiancé) worries about his return and has to avoid the Count as he acts all “chester-creepy” around her. 

The Good:  I have always heard about the movie “Nosferatu” from nerdy websites, but I never had the desire to see it, because the buffoon-looking vampire reminded me too much of Batboy from The Weekly World News.  Eventually I took a shower, cut my nails, and watched this movie; it did not disappoint at all.  I have seen both the original silent version and the remake, and although they are both good, the remake has got to be one of the greatest Gothic-Horror movies ever made… yes people, “Winnie The Pooh” no longer holds that title.  Klaus Kinski is perfect as the Count, and is almost too perfect at times; it’s like he’s had a lot of practice acting that creepy…  We definitely need to keep him away from our Elementry Schools, and Subways because I want to eat my $5 foot long sub without having to worry about throwing up.  Although the movie is old, there are some downright scary scenes in this movie!  Usually in vampire movies the blood sucker makes his way slowly to the single-white-female while she is sleeping.  In Nosferatu he goes to the girl (and John) slowly with his disgustingly uncut nails, while his victims are LOOKING RIGHT AT HIM!!  I don’t know about ya’ll, but that gives me the goosepimples.

The Bad:  there isn’t all the cool symphony-style music going on like there was in the original.  There are parts where that isn’t such a bad thing though, because although classical music is quite lovely to my ears, it can get so boring that I end up gnawing on the blue-blooded couple sitting next to me in the overly decorated theater.  I did wish that there was a little bit more music in the remake though, after all it is one of the key factors to the original movie’s success, but ya can’t always get what you want right? Like how I want a Big-Mac that looks exactly like the one on the billboard… I’m going to kill that clown, and until he gets me that Big-Mac I’m not going to smile, I’m going to plot his unfunny doom!

The Ugly: If you were disturbed by Batboy from The Weekly World News, or if you ever tortured yourself by reading that magazine in the first place, I encourage you to give this movie a try.  In my mind it is without a doubt the best Vampire movie ever made, and although it’s not true to Bram Stoker’s novel, it’s an inspired adaptation that will have Bram Stoker rolling in his grave with glee.

5 out of 5