The EVIL DEAD

I’ve been waiting for this moment for quite a long time.  I was looking forward to this about as much as I was looking forward to the McRib Sandwich coming back, and if that isn’t love then I don’t know what is.  This remake (but not really) of Evil Dead follows the story of Mia, a druggie who appears to have watched a little too much breaking bad, who goes out with a group of friends into the woods so she could go Cold Turkey with a support group.  Everything was going well for the friends until they saw that someone in the basement hated cats about as much as I do, and it was there they found a book that is surrounded by pure evil, and I’m not talking about Hitler’s Autobiography, or the British Book of Dentistry, I’m talking about a book that summons a demon that likes to make trees violate random people.  Of course someone with nerdy glasses had to read the book, thus causing the tree violating demon to posses and kill everyone in the Cabin!

The Good:  First of all, let it be known that EVIL DEAD 2 is my all time favorite movie, and that unlike some people who dismissed this movie right off the “get-go” because it’s a remake, I welcomed this new movie like I welcome chocolate chip covered pancakes covered in syrup.  What I liked most about this EVIL DEAD is that it took all that I love about the original movie including the loss of limbs, the demon woman in the basement, and the abundant amount of gore, and created a completely different story with new characters that I could see get killed off.  Now, my wife may mention that I need a psychological evaluation, because during this film I smiled a smile that resembled a child’s joy at Christmas, while everyone else was shrieking in disgust like they were watching a bikini contest featuring Rose O’Donnell.  There was one scene in particular when a girl cuts her arm off because it was bitten by the possessed Mia, and the entire theater screen was red with blood for an entire minute; I was so overwhelmed with joy that I almost cried like a 12-yr old girl at a Bieber concert. 

The Bad:  You’ll get a bunch of butt-munchers out there who will try to compare this one to the original, which is completely impossible because it plays by a completely different set of rules with new characters.  Some are upset because Ash isn't in it as well, but if you think about it by adding Ash into the story it would make people uneasy because they would be measuring it up to the impossible standards of the original.  Now although I thought the new EVIL DEAD was a near perfect experience, the one downfall I noticed (which really wasn't a downfall at all), was the absence of gory-goodness in the first 20 minutes.

The Ugly: I am a genuine freak in that my joy lies in seeing people lose limbs and get decapitated, and I understand that others may not share that obsession… namely my wife and brother.  I would even say that if they weren't being blocked by a rather large Sikh, they would have walked right out of the theater to go throw up the popcorn in the trash can.  Now, for those individuals out there who enjoy seeing a bunch of people die horrible deaths in an isolated cabin, the new EVIL DEAD movie is heaven!  

5 out of 5

The Lorax

I don't know what it is about hippie movies with hippie motivations that I find so annoying.  Could it be the dread-locks, the lack of bathing, the constant need to make every part of their lives a statement, or the odd obligation to swear off meat forever?  Whatever it is that they're smoking, I don't want any part of it. I am the kind of person that may (or may not) go out and plant a tree, come home to a nice shower, and then eat a nice ham instead, which is the product of a pig unwillingly sacrificing himself to the slaughter house for my benefit.  It's not that I hate hippies, it's just I find them as annoying as that awkward cousin who massages your shoulders with sexual energy every two minutes.  Now, in this literal tree-huger of a movie, we see a young Zac Efron who, in order to get into the long line of men to woo Taylor Swift, goes outside the city limits to fetch her a tree.  While on his search for the tree he happens upon a man who was close friendship with the Lorax, a magical creature who speaks on behalf of the trees, because the trees are too stupid for their own good; they usually just stand there and get chopped down like a nerd's esteem in middle school.  With the help of both the mysterious man and the Lorax, Zac Efron will not only embark on an adventure to find trees, and win Taylor Swift's affection, but maybe she'll eventually write a song about him as well.

The Good:
Even though the trees looked about as fake as Michael Jackson's nose, the whole movie was a visual feast!  Everywhere you looked there was an abundance of colors and great artistic ability bombarding the eyes.  As for the story, its been just a tiny while of around 15 years since I've read the Dr. Seuss classic, but from what I can remember the book wasn't that long, and the story was very A to B.  This is something the movie did well, much like how the Where the Wild Things Are filmmakers took the small book and expanded the story, the makers of the Lorax expanded and changed up the story a bit, while still keeping to the original spirit of the book.  Lorax was also quite funny, and as opposed to being a full blown educational video that forces you to learn like the School House Rock cartoons, this is an extremely witty/funny flick that just so happens to have words of wisdom regarding the environment.

The Bad:

My wife pointed out to me when the credits started rolling, that although Zac Efron and Taylor Swift were two of the main characters in the film, it seemed a little ironic that neither one of the sang!  What the Deuce?! How much sense does that make?!  I seem to remember noticing that every one of the characters had some sort of song, and even the magical-midget Lorax belted a rhyme here and there, but when it comes to the two actors who have something to do with singing, neither of them do.  But it's like I said, I didn't realize that they didn't sing in the entire movie until the credits started rolling, but now that I think about it, it makes me question everything.

The Ugly:
The Lorax is a wonderful family film, with very catchy music that won't leave your mind until the next day, and doesn't hold a knife to your throat, demanding that one day you become a hippie that can never be happy about anything in the world.  So if you're a fan of little furry mythical creatures, and you haven't had that thirst quenched since Labyrinth, then I highly recommend this surprisingly pleasant movie.

(4 out of 5)

Holiday Movie Highlights

Holy Crap!! How much food have I eaten throughout this holiday season?!  I feel like if someone was to flick my belly then a ripple of my fat would flow around my entire body, much like the wave destroying New York City in Deep Impact.  Other than the abundance of deliciously unhealthy food, the holiday season is the time for MOVIES!!  Now as much as I would like to write extensively about each film, tis impossible because during the winter my hands crack and bleed like i'm a seasonal zombie.  So, for this post I will be writing mini-reviews of the movies that I think are worth my ghetto hands bleeding over.  The order these movies are put in is not a BEST-WORST list, but are more or less the movies I can remember at the moment.

REC 3: Genesis

I care about found footage horror movies about as much as I care about the two possums that I ran over in 2006.  To me found footage films have a tendency to be sloppy in general because to me it shows a lack of creativity, not that it has always been like this, because Blair Witch Project was phenomenal and I myself was a fan of the Last Exorcism, but lately we've been graced with the crap known as the Paranormal Activity Series, The Amityville Haunting, and the barf-inducing movie known as Cloverfield.  Half of this movie is found footage, while the other half is a legitimate film, so REC 3 breaks off from the prequels in that way, and also it's silly!  The previous REC films were focused on being realistic and gritty, but finally someone stood up and said "We want a gory zombie flick to take place at a wedding, so we can all behold our fantasy of seeing a hot-bride-of-a-babe turn into a bad-A with a chainsaw, cutting down zombies like they're celebrities at a comedy central roast!" (4 1/2 out of 5)

Les Miserables 

I am not ashamed to say that I weeped like a sissy during this movie.  Every now an again I like to enjoy some entertainment that proves beneath all the pectorals and muscular-manly structure that is my body, there is a soft-hearted Andrew that has a romantic view of the world, and every once in a while he likes to make himself known by crying.  Now unlike many people, I myself have seen the stage-play and I thought it was magnificent, it was definitely an experience I will never forget, but I thought the movie was amazing as well!  Something I thought the movie did better than the stage-play was that during all the emotional songs I was able to see close-ups of the singers faces, making it so I could not only see their pimples, but when they started crying I let down all my defenses and allow that sissy version of Andrew to show himself!  I thought all the actors did a good job, especially Anne Hathaway for making me ball so much, and Russell Crowe.  I've heard a lot of people wine about how Russell was the only bad part of the movie... HE WAS GOOD, YA BUTTS!  first of all he was the only part of the cast that hasn't really ever sung in a film or on stage before, so for being his first time I thought he did a bang up job.  (5 out of 5)

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 

Having read a majority of Tolkein's books, I knew that this was going to be a less serious and more light-hearted version of the Lord of the Rings story, so I didn't automatically dismiss it as childish crap like some Hard-Core Lord of the Rings fans did in the theater.  I loved this film, and although it may not be on the same level as Return of the King, by itself it's a wonderful fantasy movie that served as a heavy dose of Nostalgia for me, as I remember going to see the Lord of the Rings each year with my family at Christmas.  It makes me so happy to see that Peter Jackson is bringing back Middle Earth to the big screen, because now I get to see my favorite midget people who hit puberty at an incredible rate in the foot area, I get to see Gandalf swinging his staff around, and I get to see Orcs with uncontrollable acne issues similar to Jessica Simpson before she became the proactive spokes person.  (5 out of 5)

Suspiria

This isn't exactly a NEW movie that came out this holiday season, but instead it was the next movie I sought to tackle on "The Top 80 Horror Films" list on Bloodydisgusting.com.  Directed by Italian Horror master Dario Argento, this is the first of his "Three Mothers" trilogy that focuses on a girl joining a dance company in Europe, only to find that not only does her teacher look like a bonified man with breasts, but the entire building is tormented by an ancient witch, killing each of the girls one by one.  Now the one disappointment I had was that it wasn't has gory as I would've liked, which left me feeling betrayed because the trailer professed it to be one of the goriest movies ever made!  Something Suspiria does well is creating a creepy atmosphere, and so Dario Argento owes everything to the music (which he helped compose), because it was the music that made the movie as delicious as my Mamma's pumpkin pie. (3 out of 5)

Rock of Ages

I myself am a man who loves smoked oysters, smelling a newly open can of tennis balls, and Heavy Metal music, so this movie struck some-what of a lovely cord with me.  As for the story, it's about as lovely as anything that gets dropped into the toilet, because its uninspired, unoriginal, and it makes me want to squirt Tabasco sauce in my eyes.  What I thought the movie (or musical, if you're a nerd and you went to see the stage version) did well, is how it integrated the classic metal songs into the sloppy story, because even though the story makes you want to step on a Lego in the dark, there are some moments were songs are combined to form something awesome!  A good example of what i'm talking about is the scene where the religious women are arguing with the metal-heads, and of course their argument is in the form of the two songs "We're not going to take it", and "We built this city on Rock and Roll" being combined together. (2 1/2 out of 5)

Paranorman

It's a hard knock life for a loser elementary school kid, as he goes to class and continually gets beat up by zit-infested bullies.  As if getting pushed around by a bully who looks more like Sloth from the Goonies wasn't enough, Norman has the same gift Jennifer Love Hewitt has, which is the ability to see the dead!  According to the TV show Supernatural, this would be the coolest gift to have, but the problem is it brings his self-esteem down to the same level as the little girl in the parade from Princes Diaries 2, the one with the messed up grill.  When a centuries-old curse turns the town into a Zombie horror-fest, it is up to Norman to gird his loins, strengthen his nerd, and save the day!

The Good:
When the movie Coraline came out I knew that I found my one true love (other than my wife), so when I found out they were making another movie my bowls leaped for joy, and then I had to run to the bathroom because your bowls leaping in public indicates something else.  The animation is beautiful, the story is simple, the characters are sweet, and best of all it shows everyone that it's OK to like scary movies.  Now i'm not saying that the movie says it's OK to let your children experience Human Centipede 2 (which for the record it should not be seen by any man), but it's saying that children experiencing scary films helps them to discern between good and evil at an early age, and if you don't believe me take a look at Disney films, that crap is straight trippin!  Finally the think I liked the best about this film are all the shout outs to some of the classic Horror movies, such as: Night of the Living Dead, Halloween, and almost every other supernatural film out there.  When I saw some of these shout outs, my bowls began to leap again... and you know what happened next.

The Bad:
I thought this movie was fun, and even my wife dropped her Harry Potter stories to pay attention, but if i'm to find anything wrong with it, then I would have to make a comparison with Coraline.  What I liked about Coraline is it had B-E-A-Utiful music that makes me feel like a "straight" fairy, and I can listen to it all day.  With Paranorman I don't get that, instead I get the "I'm a bad-A mother Beep!" feeling, which isn't bad, it's just that I don't feel pretty at the end.  Other than that, this movie is the perfect Horror film that kids can enjoy.

The Ugly:
Besides the Bully's zitty face, this movie is very pleasant to watch, almost as pleasant as looking at a Country Home Living magazine during a restroom break.  Not only is it very good for kids, but adults are going to love the animation, the amount of scares, and all the references to other Horror films.  Now Have at this gem!!

4 1/2 out of 5

The Apparition

As one with ADHD whose mind races about 1000 miles per hour, I often contemplate about what scenarios would be the worst to die in.  Some say drowning, some say being burned alive like one of chef Ramsey’s Chef’s in “Hell’s Kitchen”, or being stuck listening to the “Titanic” theme being sung in Chinese on a cable car filled with douche bags in San Francisco.  Needless to say that I prayed for any one of these scenarios to happen, just as long as I don’t have to sit through this uninspired crap of a flick.  It follows the story of a young hot couple who settle into a very big house in the suburbs, and seem to have enough money where they can buy practically anything at Cosco, despite the fact that he repairs TV’s for “Best Buy” and she is an amateur vet who just sticks thermometers up dog’s butts.  So unless they won the lottery, or they’re selling their bodies on the street corner after 12am, then I have no idea how they’re getting all the money.  Their confusingly perfect lives become troubled as they are haunted by the not-“the Grudge”-ghost, and it slowly consumes their lives so that it may be able to live.  None of this would have happened if the TV fixing boyfriend didn't try to be a ghost hunter with Tom Felton (my wife’s future lover), because it was them meddling around that unleashed the ghost in the first place.  What will happen to them? Will they lose their Cosco membership? Will they’re suburbs life be ruined forever?  You’ll find out if you stay awake till the end.

The Good:                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Seeing them shop compulsively at Cosco with very little money made me happy, because for a short while I felt that I can lower my expectations about my life, and yet still buy a bunch of pointless crap.  Of course that dream ended when I realized how fake this movie really is, but still, I was happy to see that Cosco has many different deals with regards to their outdoors section, and their kitchen utilities section;  all of you shoppers need to have at these amazing deals!

The Bad:

I liken this movie unto Hitler’s mustache, it’s awkward, it scares the women off, and it just doesn't make sense.  There were even parts of this movie that almost made me cry, because the entire two hours I kept thinking to myself “I just spent $20 on this piece of poo, and I didn't even get any popcorn.  Why does my head hurt?  I should probably get my homework done… etc”.  the worse part about it was that just a few theater rooms down there was a sold out showing of “the Possession”, which for the record I would rather have seen, but my wife’s love for Tom Felton conquers all. 

The Ugly:

Don’t see this movie.  As a Horror fan I’m usually impressed by any kind of Horror movie, and I’m really good at finding something to like out of even the crappiest film, but this movie has proved me wrong.  After crying on the way home because of wasting $20, one of the two nightmares I had that night was of me going to see this movie one more time, the other nightmare was about me wetting the bed. 

0 out of 5

Cabin in the Woods

Why can't pointless college douche bags abstain from renting out crappy skunk-infested cabins located in the most shady areas of the Forrest   Nothing good comes from those places!  Weird swamp people come out of the ground, people get their hands chopped off and replace them with Chainsaws, and some develop a violent fever that resembles something like the dreaded pig-flu.  Unless you're angry in-bred rednecks, the forest is something us city folk should stay away from, at least that's what Horror films are trying to tell us.  Cabin in the Woods follows the typical Horror film where a group of students, with their hormones going about 1,000 miles per hour, decide to spend their weekend in a cabin.  Everything is cooky for a while until they unlock something freaky, and i'm not talking about the closet containing Lady Gaga's wardrobe.  As the monsters start coming at them the same speed as their hormones, things start getting out of control, much like Twilight fans after hearing about Kristen Stewart's rondevu with the non-Robert Patterson dude.  If only Thor was present during this weekend trip then everyone would be OK... oh wait, he was!!

The Good:
When I prayerfully pick out my cereal of the week at the nearest grocery store, I'm always looking for two things: 1.  The box that has the coolest toy, and 2.  The one that isn't going to give me explosive diarrhea while I'm running the next morning, because it makes me look like I'm Forrest Gump while he still had those leg braces on.  Then there are times I find a new cereal like Smacks that makes me love cereal in a whole different way, and that is what Cabin in the Woods did for me with Horror films.  Given it's not the greatest Horror film ever made, it does present some new ways that fans of the macabre can understand why scary movies are the way they are.  The film is also very funny, which was a pleasant surprise for me, because along with children's gummy vitamins the one thing that can set my morning off right is a solid Horror Comedy.  There isn't much stuff I can say about the story-line without giving away one of the greatest endings of all time, but this much I will say, that Cabin has an ending that wraps up the story like it's a present made exclusively by Martha Stewart when she was in jail.

The Bad:
Why in the name of Oprah did it take them so long to release this movie?!  I know there was that deal with MGM having the financial problems, but still, this movie came close to making people not care anymore, let alone not being released at all.  Thor is also the source of one of my problems, because every time he and his peeps were attacked by monsters he would act like the stereotypical college douche bag, and at this I would scream "This is why you lost your hammer Thor!  Because of being stupid!"  Now in the movie's defense it was made before Thor was, but still, Every time I look at Chris Hemsworth I imagine him like he's dressed for a Scottish fair full of acne-infested computer-gaming virgins.

The Ugly:
It is the duty of EVERY horror fan to see this film, but at the same time I don't want ya'll to get too high expectations, because that can ruin even the greatest of films.  If you expect that it will be god's gift to mankind, then you'll probably get a huge dissapointment that's compared to Lindsay Lohan's Liver.  Just know that it is a well made horror film with some fresh new twists we as fans of the Macabre haven't seen before, and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

4 1/2 out of 5

163 Horror Movies in 2 1/2 Minutes

Much like the other Horror video that contains about 64 movies in 5 minutes, this one tries to top it by raising the bar to 163 movies in 2 minutes!  It means that the clips are short and very snappy, almost as if you're watching a seizure induced anime cartoon, but the video is awesome all the same.  Check this crap out!