One for the Money

Down on her luck and money, the sexy Kathrine Heigel has hit rock bottom when she literally fell on some rocks and hurt her bottom.  In this not so funny (and unofficial) sequel to the great flop that is "Bounty Hunter", our favorite hot person from "Grey's Anatomy" (which I've never seen) attempts to pick herself back up by becoming a bounty hunter.  To her misfortune the first person that she has to bring in is a man who looks like he's been applying "Mad Men" to his life, so you know that it's only a matter of time before she thinks to herself.  "dang he fine!  I'ma going to threaten him with this gun, and tell him he has the right to remain sexy."  I'm assuming that's what she would say if she was taking voice lessons from Tyler Perry.  The trouble is once she starts attempting to bring him in, she realizes that he's actually the victim of something crazy!

The Good:
Right alongside with Julia Robert's laugh, Jon Hamm's chizzled chin, or Amy Adams' chipmunk squeak, Katherine Heigl's face seems to suck in all the focus, making even the crappiest of movies half decent.  Imagine if you were to put all of those actor's attributes into one person!  Now that would definitely be Hollywood's greatest creation, and they're probably working on her right now.  Basically I'm saying that I wasn't too attached to the movie, but if it wasn't for Katherine's charming acting/face then I probably wouldn't have finished it in the first place;  I would have instead picked up one of the Twilight books with a bucket of mint-chocolate chip ice-cream in my hands.

The Bad:
What is this movie, a 13-year old High Schooler?!  It makes it hard for the viewer to watch a film, when even the film doesn't know what it wants to be.  When it started out, my wife and I were about as giddy as Slumdog Millionaire after he gets the girl, because we knew we were getting a Romantic Comedy we can both enjoy, but sadly that wasn't the case.  about 30 minutes into the film, it takes a major change and turns into a movie that tries to be a light-hearted version of "Taken".  The film was driving us crazy in our minds, because we didn't know how we should approach it!  So physically we looked relaxed on the couch, but internally we were shaking the TV while yelling "What do you want from me?!  Just take the money and leave us alone!!"

The Ugly:
Even though I find this flick remarkably similar to a person afflicted with D.I.D., it wasn't too bad; like I said we did finish it.  I'm just saying that unless you want to put your brain into a blender and push "Pulse", then you'll probably want to stay away from this, otherwise do what any respectable brother would do and start reading Twilight.

1 1/2 out of 5

Can you survive a Horror film?

I've come to feel that through my obsession with the Horror genre, I would have an advantage in surviving a horrific encounter better than your average billy-bob.  Whether it's a serial killer with a hockey mask, a cannibalistic psychiatrist, being in a dark room with Michael Jackson, or Hide and seek with Kobe Bryant, I feel like i'd be fine.  Needless to say this Chart made me swallow my pride, and not underestimate a horrific situation.

Julia's Eyes

Blind People are creepy again!!  When you see a blind person give off a horrified expression, then you know that there is going to be some supernatural crap going down, like a bathroom break after partaking of ghost meat.  When Julia's sister is found hanging in a room, she decides to investigate the situation because there were no signs leading to her suicide.  So Julia puts her "Law and Order" cap on to prove that someone killed her sister, and if things couldn't get any worse Julia's sight is deteriorating, and will soon be completely blind.  She couldn't be in a worse position to go looking for a killer!! It's like a girl being admitted into a prison full of men.


The Good:
Del Toro you've done it again you old hunk of Spanish goodness!!  Knowing that the Renassiance-man-of-Horror had a hand in the making of this movie, it let me know that i'm in  for a Horror film with a creepy atmosphere.  Also, the people who were in charge of advertising for this movie deserve a scooby snack, because the Trailer for the film is alsmost completely different from what you'll be seeing on screen.  Vague advertising is good, because it'll make the movie that much bigger of a suprise, like going to a Red Lobster for the first time, and learning that they give you an unlimited amount of biscuits to accompany your meal.  Story-wise it's a breathe of fresh air, because (and I may be wrong about this), there aren't very many blind heroins out there, and the fact that Julia is trying to investigate a murder WHILE SHE'S BLIND makes it that much creeper to watch.  It must be pointed out that Belen Rueda is an AMAZING actress in this film (especially in "The Orphanage"), because as an actress no one pulls off the "Holy Crap I'm gonna Die" look better than her.

The Bad:
I don't mean to come off as sexist, but sometimes subtitles drive me insane!! (wait how is that sexist?).  For me it's like taking notes in Anatomy Class, because i'll try to read the subtitles quickly enough so I can see whats going on with the rest of the movie, but sometimes they speak too much too quick that I miss what beautiful pictures are being shown to me.  So when my teacher wants us to write down a bunch of notes, I end up missing all the pictures of people with STDs when talking about the reproductive system... it's just not meant to be like that.

The Ugly:
For a lot of people subtitles seem to be the deciding point on whether they'll be watching a certain movie or not, and sometimes it's understandable, but when it comes to viewing Del Toro movies like "Orphanage", "Pans Labyrinth" or "Julia's Eyes", it's best to suck it up because then you'll realize what treasures they can be.  "Julia's Eyes" in particular isn't on the same mantel as "Pan's Labyrinth", but on it's own it's a very effective thriller with an unsettling atmosphere, and it's all thanks to blind people and some of the creepy expressions they give off.

3 1/2 out of 5

The Vow

This movie proves that I have a heart as soft as a baby bunny, until his feet are processed into lucky key-chains.  "The Vow" is a True Story about a lovely young couple (played by VERY sexy people), who after going through the dating process and being married, end up having life crash on them in a tragic way, like when the McRib sandwich leaves McDonalds, or like the time we found out Snooki was pregnant.   Because Paige and Leo parked in the middle of a street, it was only a matter of time before a trucker, who was listening to Selena Gomez too loud, would rear-end them.  As a result Leo was injured, and Paige suffered Severe memory loss, and no it's not as cute as "50 First Dates."  Because Paige can't remember Leo at all, it's up to him to get Paige to love him again and secure their marriage.  

The Good:
I didn't full out ball when watching this movie like it did at the end of "Titanic", "What Dreams May Come", "Grave of the Fireflies", and "Scary Movie 3", but my eyes did get watery almost as if I had been chopping up onions all day.  This was a lovely movie that doesn't have a horrible ending like most Nicholas Sparks stories do, and i'm not ruining the movie when I say that, because on the poster it says "Based on the Incredible True Story"; you would know if the ending was going to suck if it said "Based on the crappy heart-wrenching True Story".  Rachel McAdams is a beautiful babe-of-a-woman who is notorious for being able to tackle any kind of role handed to her, but the most pleasant acting surprise of the movie was the remarkably chizzled CHANNING TATUM!  His acting was surprisingly good! and I don't know if any of you guys noticed, but he's become a lot funnier in his later films.  Even though he was good, it makes me sad that his acting skills have improved,  because now I can't refer to him as the actor who flushed his career down the pooper when he stared in the sequel to "Glitter", aka "G.I. Joe".

The Bad:
Stress! Stress! Stress!  There were some parts of this flick that gave me so much stress that not only did I get a crohnsy flare-up in my buttocks, but the amount of gray hair on my head tripled!  I swear by the end of the week I'm going to look like Richard Gere, minus the sex-appeal.  in the film's defense it doesn't try to hide the fact that it's a stressful movie, and if anything it promotes Stress like it's one of the main characters.  So if you think your going to get a cute Meg Ryan-type chick flick, then you're going to be sorely disappointed, like when I found out Michael Jackson wasn't a white female.  

The Ugly:
The Ugly truth about this film is that it's anything but ugly, as a matter of fact it's sexy!  Rachel McAdams and Channing are so DARN good looking that I would totally keep them locked in the closet, and wrapped in plastic-wrap so they always stay fresh... Maybe I should stop taking pointers from Dr. Lecter's Autobiography.  But in all seriousness this is a very Romantic love story, and it keeps you at the edge of your seat hoping that everything will be alright for them in the end.  Realistically,  guys will be at the edge of their seats dreaming about taking Rachel McAdams to get a McRib at Mcdonalds (that's a lot of Mcs), and the girls will be coo-coo for coco puffs over Channing's well defined six-pack.

4 out of 5

The Avengers

HULK SMASH!!!  Seeing this film was an absolute delight, and that's coming from a guy who can honestly care less about superheros who dress like a bunch of D&D nerds.  This film (much like the Expendables) reaks of Testosterone filled awesomeness, and just when you thought there couldn't be anymore awesomeness, it kept coming.   I have to tell ya even though I enjoyed this flick to the utmost, It broke my heart to see a bunch of people dressing up for the movie.  After my brother and I came out of the matinee showing, it was to our horror when we saw a bunch of Napoleon Dynamite-type people dressed up as Thor, and acting just like him.  Although they are having fun, they just made the idea of making out with a hot girl a VERY DISTANT THOUGHT!  Maybe they'll run into a manly woman who also enjoys dressing up as Thor, but it makes me cringe to think of what those make-out sessions would look like...  The story picks up where each individual avenger movie left off.  Thor's douche-bag of a brother decides to befriend ET's relatives, and take over planet earth (I guess ET hated our planet more than we all thought).  And that is when America's favorite black pirate "Dark Fury" gathers all these super heroes together, because they are the earth's only hope.  The Result of all these heroes being together is one AMAZING battle scene that takes place in the ending, which is like porn for these hero loving nerds, or like the Food Network for me on a good day.  
This was a very fun movie to watch, and it makes me think of who my superhero team would include.  It would be as follows:  Jason, Freddy, Alien, Predator, Hannibal, the rabbit from Donnie Darko, and the Woman in black...  That actually sounds like a horrible idea.

5 out of 5

The Raven

It's not every day when your chick-flick loven wife says "Lets go see a Horror movie this weekend!"  After I soiled myself, I went to go change my pants and said "Lets go babe!"  Then I kissed her in the same fashion the people in "Gone with the Wind" do.
The death of Edgar Allan Poe is a huge mystery among English teachers, Gothic nerds, Horror lovers, and British people  all around, and this movie is an attempt to explain the "unusual circumstances" that led to his death.  Played by John Cusack, Edgar is going through a midlife crisis because he feels all his creativity is washed up, and he didn't have enough money to afford a Mercedes so there was no possible way to fill that gap.  Things start to change for Poe when people start dying in the same manner that characters died  in his poems, making him a valuable asset to the police in capturing the little squirt.  This may not have been the greatest movie ever made, but the premise is cool enough that everything else doesn't matter.  It was cute to see my wife watch this movie because she spent the whole time pointing out which one of Edgar's poems were being depicted by the killer, and it was especially cute when the answer was obvious, like the "pit and the pendulum."  One thing I must point out is how Ironic it is that the movie is called the Raven, when ravens are constantly dying throughout the film!  I swear those are the stupidest birds of all time, because they're always putting themselves into positions of getting shot, trampled, or choked by an 8-year old ginger.  You'd think they'd learn from trial-and-error how to survive better, but instead it's like what Forrest Gump once said, "Stupid is as stupid does."  The movie has definitely reaffirmed my belief that the raven is the depressed suicidal creature of the bird world.  Regardless of my hatred for that bird, what would have made the movie even better was if the bad guy was literally a Raven!  Wouldn't that be cool?  A human/raven man who is too fat to fly but can perch on furniture, squawking nonstop... What was in that cereal?

3 1/2 out of 5

The Muppets

"Everything is great, everything is grand, I've got the whole wide world in the palm of my.." CRAP!!  You know that when you have a song in your head and it won't leave, it's either very catchy like a Katy Perry song, or it's about as deadly as getting hit with Rebecca Black's "Friday", which inevitably makes all future Fridays the worst day of the week.  Even though I've never actually seen the famous "Muppet Show" (put that knife down), I did grow up watching "Muppets take Manhattan" and "Muppet Babies"  during the better part of my childhood.  But that was last week, and now i'm hungry for something fresh, like the way Subway makes their sandwiches.  Being a huge fan of the Muppet movies, I can honestly say that this is the funniest one so far, and that includes being better than the original.  What makes this one so knee-slapping funny is mostly due to the writing abilities of Jason Segel, and for the musical talent of Flight of the Concord's Bret Mckenzie.  Bringing the wittiness of "How I Met Your Mother" and the "Flight Of The Concords" to the Muppets had to be one of the smoothest moves in movie making history, the only thing that comes close is Mariah Carey's performance in "Glitter".
Walter is Jason Segel's Muppet of a brother, and is "The Muppets" biggest fan, so when the chance came to visit the set of the "Muppet Show" HE TOOK IT!  It was to his muppet sadness when he found out that someone wants to replace it with an oil plant, and so in order to save the studio he has to get the whole Motley Crue back together for another production of "Sweeney Todd" and "CHICAGO".
This was a fun show, and it was good to see puppeteers put their hands up the Muppet's butts to make wholesome family comedy once again.  So go enjoy this movie, and don't be one of those losers that think the movie is a political statement against oil.  Those people obviously need to settle down and get an enema every once in an hour.

5 out of 5