The Hunger Games

Based off the best selling board game called "Hungry Hungry Hippos", The "Hunger Games" is a story about games and... hunger?  And oh how hungry these kids are... for BLOOD!!  In giving the summary of this story, I'm afraid that if I get ANY part of it wrong, then some nerd without a girl/boyfriend will rip my kidneys out, and then proceed to do the scouts honor sign over my corpse.  Here I go.  There was apparently a lot of turmoil in futuristic United States, and because of the oppression the poor districts received from the capital, they decided to rebel.  It was a violent battle that had a lot to do fashion.  The "non-capital" people wore a traditional crap-outfit for the battle, while the Capital people went for the Drag-queen look with a hint of douche-bag.  Obviously the Drag-queens killed the hobo-fashion in the other districts, and to remind them of who their masters are, people are gathered from each district to participate in an annual reality-show. As entertaining as it may sound, the show is less like Jersey Shore, and more like a kids version of Gladiator.  Named after cat marijuana, Catnip is the hero of the story, and volunteers to be put into the death-match so that her sister will be spared.  Along side her is another boy selected from her district named Pita-chips, and eventually the two become friends, which is cute because they have to kill each other later on!!

Besides the fact that this movie is propaganda for people to join the BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA, I actually had a creepy fun time with it.  The thing that I find strange is that I'm an avid Horror film fan (if you couldn't tell), and yet the idea of children killing other children for entertainment disturbs me more than most slasher films, especially since the victims in slasher films are for the most part idiots who deserve their fate.  That isn't to say that I didn't enjoy it, because much like Twilight, Iron Chef, or Mob Wives, this film kept me at the edge of my seat the entire time.  I was also alert because I was surrounded by a bunch of nerdy High school kids, and it's common knowledge that when they get hyper people die.

31/2 out of 5

The Woman In Black

Harry Potter is back in black!  Literally!  But do you know what isn't back? Those stupid round glasses he wears.  No wonder he had such a hard time making out with witches at Hogwarts, because kissing him with those glasses would be the same as kissing an alien... not that I ever dreamed of doing that, I love my wife, SHUT UP!  I'm sure everyone was wondering what Daniel Radcliff's first post-Harry potter movie would be like, and if he would even be capable of doing a role that has nothing to do with "the boy who lived".  Thankfully Potter didn't disappoint, and actually it was quite the opposite because he looked pretty pissed half the time, which raised him up on the awesome scale about 50 points.   After graduating from Hogwarts and killing the bald albino, Mr Potter decided to live the American dream by becoming a depressed real estate agent in England.  having arrived to a depressing remote town to settle some paper work on a house, people in the town are about as receptive to him as much as hillbillies are to showers.  I'd like to blame it on the fact that they're racist, but Daniel Radcliffe is whiter then they are, so maybe they're mad at him for ending the Harry Potter movies and getting married to a ginger.  After being in the town for only a short while, he starts seeing a woman in black (duh!!) creeping around the house claiming to be Kobe Bryant, and every time he catches a glimpse of her someone in the town dies.  I personally think that the woman in black is just Voldemort wearing a wig, which should bring comfort to the audience because they know who will win the fight in the end.
This was a very scary and fun movie, that is sure to make kids all around the world pee their beds because they're too afraid to go to the bathroom during the night.  At first I thought the movie made me pee MY pants, but then I realized that I just got a Charlie horse which caused me to spill buttery popcorn all over.  Or did I?

4 1/2 out of 5

The Innkeepers

Once upon a time there was a cute little movie that came out in 2009 called "House of the Devil", and I knew that when I saw the blood squirting violently all over the screen it would be love at first sight!  That movie was so well put together that I likened it unto Justin Bieber's hair, in that it knew where it wanted to be and what its purpose was.  Director Ti West is one awesome dude for creating that gem, and I hope that he answers my invitation to my 26th birthday party coming up, and if he doesn't then I'll just facebook stalk him to death... but I digress.  Needless to say there was a lot of anticipation coming from me and my wife for his new film "The Innkeepers", and thankfully it was just as good if not better than "House of the Devil".  In this movie Ti West steers clear from the "special effects" trend that so many other Horror directors seem to fall under, and instead he focuses on the atmosphere of the movie using his signature "build-up" scenes to create a powerful punch (kind of like Monster energy drink minus the crash) of an ending.  Even though I value this movie as much as my cookie dough ice cream in the fridge, it may not be for everybody because there isn't a constant flash of special effects bombarding the audience into a seizure induced coma.  But if you value a good old fashioned Horror flick being made by a man who doesn't seem to be afraid taking new steps in the genre, then this movie (much like your lungs, sternum, or pacemaker, or even cookie dough ice cream) will be close to your heart... then to your stomach, then to your intestine, then to your.. DANG-IT I WANT ICE CREAM!!

P.S. After my wife realized that I didn't give any hint what the movie was about, I thought it best to give you a sample, much like the samples of food you get at sam's club.  Claire and Luke are the Innkeepers (getting it so far) at an old Hotel that is a couple days away from closing, and before it's ripped to shreds for a baby gap, strip club, or hopefully an LDS Temple, they plan on staying up all night in hope of making contact with a ghost named Madeline (like the redheaded french girl) who died there shortly after her honeymoon.  now go gettem tigers!

The Thing

Ranking right up there with Steven Spielberg, Metallica, and Alf, John Carpenter is a national treasure that shouldn't be picked on like a red-headed stepchild in a lower class middle school.  When John Carpenter made "The Thing" it was a phenomenon!  there was nothing about that movie that wasn't good.  The music was chilling, the graphics were amazingly twisted, the coats looked warm, and the acting was pretty dang good.  There wasn't a single ingredient in that movie that wasn't delicious, much like the ingredients to a grilled stuffed burrito... before you wake up in the middle of the night hugging the toilet like it's one of the care bears.  With that movie (Made in 1982), why would anyone want to pick on that ginger and make another one?  Needless to say I was skeptical about a remake, but when I heard that it was only a prequel my bowls rested a little better.  It wasn't as good as the John Carpenter original, but it wasn't trying to be, it was only acting as a tribute to Carpenter's (only this time with better graphics).  What I liked most about this movie was they included even MORE of the "Who is Alien and who is Human?" stuff, because it's a chance to see a bunch of grown ups point fingers at each other like it's another Jerry Springer episode, only this time there's no scandal between people who look like they've been spanked a little too hard as newborns.  So go enjoy this one, and if you really want to get the most out of this experience then have a grilled stuffed burrito in one hand, and a role of toilet paper in the other.

3 1/2 out of 5

Jane Eyre

Alice from "Alice in Wonderland" grew up into the depressed and unfortunate girl we all knew she would be, but don't feel too bad for her, because now she's got one heck-of-a fling going with Magneto (who by the way has gotten a lot creeper since he shot his best friend in the buttocks).  I'm not so sure how I feel about this because he looks as if he could be her father, but who am I to judge?  Surely there were some magnetic sparks flying between them; he is Magneto after all.  Just when you think that there is some light at the end of the tunnel for our favorite depressed orphan, all happy feelings are gone when she realizes that the light is nothing more than the signs of a possible stroke coming up.  Mia Wasikowska succeeds in giving us not only a name that I couldn't pronounce if my life depended on it, but shows us a Jane Eyre that seems more real than the "other" Jane Eyres from previous movies; I think a lot of it has to do with her sad eyes that have "you just ran over my dog" written all over them.  This film brings satisfaction to everyone who loves a good old fashion chick flick, and especially to those (like me) who love nothing more than to enjoy a borderline Horror movie with real substance in it.

4 1/2 out of 5

Abduction

You know how some people say they "feel naked" if they're missing their shoes/belt/I-pod/bible/stained underwear?  Well for our muscular native Taylor Lautner it means the exact opposite, because he feels naked when he's wearing cloths as we've learned from him playing a poodle in "Twilight".  When starting this movie C and I gave it about two minutes before Jacob (Crap!), I mean taylor removes his shirt, making his abs completely exposed so that all the teenage girls in the audience are wooed into a coma.  Knowing that he just came from doing all the "Twilight" films, I must say that my expectations of this movie being "good" were not very high, as a matter of fact I predicted that picking my nose and watching Dora the Explorer would have been a better use of my time.  To my suprise the movie... still sucked, but effectively!  The storyline was crap, taylor was still wooing teenagers, his love interest had enormous eyebrows, and her eyebrows were a different color, making me wish that she was killed off in the movie.  What was good was the action (of course how could we expect any less from Jacob), the soundtrack, everything but that girl's eyebrows, and when the movie ended.  The movie was dumb, but the enjoyable kind of dumb like those "dumb dumb suckers"

2 out of 5

Moneyball

Not all, but like a great deal of strangely patriotic Americans out there, I say I like baseball purely because it's an American pastime, but in reality I have practically no idea what goes on in the sport.  From what I gather is that all the players in the field chew and spit out tobacco in an "i'm going to kill your firstborn" fashion, and at the same time get in trouble for taking that juice that makes your muscles tougher.  It's odd for there to be a movie about baseball and yet at the same time have not very much to do with the game.  Brad Pitt stars as the General Manager for the Oakland A's, which is a team that's prestigious for being incredibly craptacular, and so with the help of the pervy-now-turned-scholar kid from "Superbad", he finds ways to change how the game is played; he brings the A's out of the toilet right before they were about to be flushed down to their poopy doom!

This was a very pleasant movie to watch, and it even helped me forget my traumatic days playing little league where the popular pretty boy from Elementary school acted like a backstreet boy and batted the baseball right to my heart... So I did the right thing by being a man and quitting the sport for good, hmm.   The acting from Pitt was outstanding (as always), but the person I was really impressed with was Jonah Hill's character who took me and C completely by suprise by showing us he can be a VERY effective serious actor.  One last thing I liked about this movie was the soundtrack, that although it was simple, it is what gave the movie it's finishing touches of serenity

4 out of 5