Cabin in the Woods

Why can't pointless college douche bags abstain from renting out crappy skunk-infested cabins located in the most shady areas of the Forrest   Nothing good comes from those places!  Weird swamp people come out of the ground, people get their hands chopped off and replace them with Chainsaws, and some develop a violent fever that resembles something like the dreaded pig-flu.  Unless you're angry in-bred rednecks, the forest is something us city folk should stay away from, at least that's what Horror films are trying to tell us.  Cabin in the Woods follows the typical Horror film where a group of students, with their hormones going about 1,000 miles per hour, decide to spend their weekend in a cabin.  Everything is cooky for a while until they unlock something freaky, and i'm not talking about the closet containing Lady Gaga's wardrobe.  As the monsters start coming at them the same speed as their hormones, things start getting out of control, much like Twilight fans after hearing about Kristen Stewart's rondevu with the non-Robert Patterson dude.  If only Thor was present during this weekend trip then everyone would be OK... oh wait, he was!!

The Good:
When I prayerfully pick out my cereal of the week at the nearest grocery store, I'm always looking for two things: 1.  The box that has the coolest toy, and 2.  The one that isn't going to give me explosive diarrhea while I'm running the next morning, because it makes me look like I'm Forrest Gump while he still had those leg braces on.  Then there are times I find a new cereal like Smacks that makes me love cereal in a whole different way, and that is what Cabin in the Woods did for me with Horror films.  Given it's not the greatest Horror film ever made, it does present some new ways that fans of the macabre can understand why scary movies are the way they are.  The film is also very funny, which was a pleasant surprise for me, because along with children's gummy vitamins the one thing that can set my morning off right is a solid Horror Comedy.  There isn't much stuff I can say about the story-line without giving away one of the greatest endings of all time, but this much I will say, that Cabin has an ending that wraps up the story like it's a present made exclusively by Martha Stewart when she was in jail.

The Bad:
Why in the name of Oprah did it take them so long to release this movie?!  I know there was that deal with MGM having the financial problems, but still, this movie came close to making people not care anymore, let alone not being released at all.  Thor is also the source of one of my problems, because every time he and his peeps were attacked by monsters he would act like the stereotypical college douche bag, and at this I would scream "This is why you lost your hammer Thor!  Because of being stupid!"  Now in the movie's defense it was made before Thor was, but still, Every time I look at Chris Hemsworth I imagine him like he's dressed for a Scottish fair full of acne-infested computer-gaming virgins.

The Ugly:
It is the duty of EVERY horror fan to see this film, but at the same time I don't want ya'll to get too high expectations, because that can ruin even the greatest of films.  If you expect that it will be god's gift to mankind, then you'll probably get a huge dissapointment that's compared to Lindsay Lohan's Liver.  Just know that it is a well made horror film with some fresh new twists we as fans of the Macabre haven't seen before, and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

4 1/2 out of 5