Cabin in the Woods

Why can't pointless college douche bags abstain from renting out crappy skunk-infested cabins located in the most shady areas of the Forrest   Nothing good comes from those places!  Weird swamp people come out of the ground, people get their hands chopped off and replace them with Chainsaws, and some develop a violent fever that resembles something like the dreaded pig-flu.  Unless you're angry in-bred rednecks, the forest is something us city folk should stay away from, at least that's what Horror films are trying to tell us.  Cabin in the Woods follows the typical Horror film where a group of students, with their hormones going about 1,000 miles per hour, decide to spend their weekend in a cabin.  Everything is cooky for a while until they unlock something freaky, and i'm not talking about the closet containing Lady Gaga's wardrobe.  As the monsters start coming at them the same speed as their hormones, things start getting out of control, much like Twilight fans after hearing about Kristen Stewart's rondevu with the non-Robert Patterson dude.  If only Thor was present during this weekend trip then everyone would be OK... oh wait, he was!!

The Good:
When I prayerfully pick out my cereal of the week at the nearest grocery store, I'm always looking for two things: 1.  The box that has the coolest toy, and 2.  The one that isn't going to give me explosive diarrhea while I'm running the next morning, because it makes me look like I'm Forrest Gump while he still had those leg braces on.  Then there are times I find a new cereal like Smacks that makes me love cereal in a whole different way, and that is what Cabin in the Woods did for me with Horror films.  Given it's not the greatest Horror film ever made, it does present some new ways that fans of the macabre can understand why scary movies are the way they are.  The film is also very funny, which was a pleasant surprise for me, because along with children's gummy vitamins the one thing that can set my morning off right is a solid Horror Comedy.  There isn't much stuff I can say about the story-line without giving away one of the greatest endings of all time, but this much I will say, that Cabin has an ending that wraps up the story like it's a present made exclusively by Martha Stewart when she was in jail.

The Bad:
Why in the name of Oprah did it take them so long to release this movie?!  I know there was that deal with MGM having the financial problems, but still, this movie came close to making people not care anymore, let alone not being released at all.  Thor is also the source of one of my problems, because every time he and his peeps were attacked by monsters he would act like the stereotypical college douche bag, and at this I would scream "This is why you lost your hammer Thor!  Because of being stupid!"  Now in the movie's defense it was made before Thor was, but still, Every time I look at Chris Hemsworth I imagine him like he's dressed for a Scottish fair full of acne-infested computer-gaming virgins.

The Ugly:
It is the duty of EVERY horror fan to see this film, but at the same time I don't want ya'll to get too high expectations, because that can ruin even the greatest of films.  If you expect that it will be god's gift to mankind, then you'll probably get a huge dissapointment that's compared to Lindsay Lohan's Liver.  Just know that it is a well made horror film with some fresh new twists we as fans of the Macabre haven't seen before, and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

4 1/2 out of 5

Snow White and The Huntsman

Why is Snow White the most famous princess/fairy tale all the sudden?!  Out of the blue this babe of a princess has been sucking in the box office spotlight with the comedy "Mirror Mirror", then with this Thor infested work of art.  One thing for sure about the Snow White craze is apple sales have surely spiked about 80%, Chris Hemsworth's testosterone filled action profile has increased, and Kristin stewert is finally given a role where she doesn't bite her lip 24/7.  The story begins as the classical Snow White story with the jealous/psychopathic stepmom wanting to kill Snow White because she sucks up all the glory, but before it could happen she escapes and runs like a gazell to the Dark Forrest where it's obvious Tim Burton wiped his butt everywhere.  the Queen then sends the God of Thunder to do her dirty work and bring Snow White back, and this is where I stop because I don't want to give away the predictable story of betrayal, love, and apples that are eaten way past their expiration date.

The Good:
Driving down the Highway once I saw a Hooters billboard that said "Set your standards low, then you'll be pleasantly supprised about everything coming your way". This is one of those flicks that I went into not caring if it sucks or not, because even if it's utter crap i'm still going to enjoy it because it looks cool, and the visual effects make me want to stuff my face with popcorn.  To my supprise I not only tolerated the movie, but I very much enjoyed it... thanks for the advice Hooters!  Kristen Stewart still has a long way to go with her acting, but all in all her acting wasn't bad, and a part of me even forgot that she was Bella from Twilight in the first place.  One thing I knew was going to be awesome was Chris Hemsworth, and I was right, he delivered the action goods, the manly british accent, and the massive muscles.  He is definitly one of those people I wouldn't mind reenacting the volly-ball scene from Top Gun with.  Other than Chris the movie just looked cool, and if you're a Horror fan like me, then you'll love the horrific images that you'll be bombarded with in the black Forrest.

The Bad:
Ya know when you see certain child actors think they're holding the world by the belly-button, and that they're God's gift to mankind?  These people include Hillary Duff, Lindsey Lohan, and other Disney stars who not only think they can act, but that they can also sing, design clothing, run a successful animal slaughtering cult, etc...   Kristen Stewart should try to avoid becoming one of these people by sticking to roles we know she can handle without looking embarrassing, at least for a little while.  I bring this up because it was only a short while since the Twilight movies were finished (except the last one), and when it comes to her being in super serious movies where she has to give a "Braveheart" type speech, I don't think I can take it seriously.  There was one part of the film when she rally's up an army, and when I saw that my wife and I said, "Great, the angsty teen from Forks is trying to prep a bunch of body-builders for war."  Like I mentioned earlier her acting surprisingly wasn't bad, but she should avoid those academy award winning speeches for a bit.

The Ugly:
I knew this wasn't going to be the greatest movie of all time way before I saw it, and to be frank it's sometimes as silly as the whale from "Free Willie" jumping over that kid; we all know his lardy butt would have squashed that child in an instant.  Sometimes those silly (wannabe) epic movies are the funner ones to watch, much like "Ghost Rider" and this one, so all in all I thought this movie was a very pleasant theater experience, where I could eat my popcorn like Cookie Monster eats his cookies.

3 out of 5