The Thing

Ranking right up there with Steven Spielberg, Metallica, and Alf, John Carpenter is a national treasure that shouldn't be picked on like a red-headed stepchild in a lower class middle school.  When John Carpenter made "The Thing" it was a phenomenon!  there was nothing about that movie that wasn't good.  The music was chilling, the graphics were amazingly twisted, the coats looked warm, and the acting was pretty dang good.  There wasn't a single ingredient in that movie that wasn't delicious, much like the ingredients to a grilled stuffed burrito... before you wake up in the middle of the night hugging the toilet like it's one of the care bears.  With that movie (Made in 1982), why would anyone want to pick on that ginger and make another one?  Needless to say I was skeptical about a remake, but when I heard that it was only a prequel my bowls rested a little better.  It wasn't as good as the John Carpenter original, but it wasn't trying to be, it was only acting as a tribute to Carpenter's (only this time with better graphics).  What I liked most about this movie was they included even MORE of the "Who is Alien and who is Human?" stuff, because it's a chance to see a bunch of grown ups point fingers at each other like it's another Jerry Springer episode, only this time there's no scandal between people who look like they've been spanked a little too hard as newborns.  So go enjoy this one, and if you really want to get the most out of this experience then have a grilled stuffed burrito in one hand, and a role of toilet paper in the other.

3 1/2 out of 5

Jane Eyre

Alice from "Alice in Wonderland" grew up into the depressed and unfortunate girl we all knew she would be, but don't feel too bad for her, because now she's got one heck-of-a fling going with Magneto (who by the way has gotten a lot creeper since he shot his best friend in the buttocks).  I'm not so sure how I feel about this because he looks as if he could be her father, but who am I to judge?  Surely there were some magnetic sparks flying between them; he is Magneto after all.  Just when you think that there is some light at the end of the tunnel for our favorite depressed orphan, all happy feelings are gone when she realizes that the light is nothing more than the signs of a possible stroke coming up.  Mia Wasikowska succeeds in giving us not only a name that I couldn't pronounce if my life depended on it, but shows us a Jane Eyre that seems more real than the "other" Jane Eyres from previous movies; I think a lot of it has to do with her sad eyes that have "you just ran over my dog" written all over them.  This film brings satisfaction to everyone who loves a good old fashion chick flick, and especially to those (like me) who love nothing more than to enjoy a borderline Horror movie with real substance in it.

4 1/2 out of 5

Abduction

You know how some people say they "feel naked" if they're missing their shoes/belt/I-pod/bible/stained underwear?  Well for our muscular native Taylor Lautner it means the exact opposite, because he feels naked when he's wearing cloths as we've learned from him playing a poodle in "Twilight".  When starting this movie C and I gave it about two minutes before Jacob (Crap!), I mean taylor removes his shirt, making his abs completely exposed so that all the teenage girls in the audience are wooed into a coma.  Knowing that he just came from doing all the "Twilight" films, I must say that my expectations of this movie being "good" were not very high, as a matter of fact I predicted that picking my nose and watching Dora the Explorer would have been a better use of my time.  To my suprise the movie... still sucked, but effectively!  The storyline was crap, taylor was still wooing teenagers, his love interest had enormous eyebrows, and her eyebrows were a different color, making me wish that she was killed off in the movie.  What was good was the action (of course how could we expect any less from Jacob), the soundtrack, everything but that girl's eyebrows, and when the movie ended.  The movie was dumb, but the enjoyable kind of dumb like those "dumb dumb suckers"

2 out of 5

Moneyball

Not all, but like a great deal of strangely patriotic Americans out there, I say I like baseball purely because it's an American pastime, but in reality I have practically no idea what goes on in the sport.  From what I gather is that all the players in the field chew and spit out tobacco in an "i'm going to kill your firstborn" fashion, and at the same time get in trouble for taking that juice that makes your muscles tougher.  It's odd for there to be a movie about baseball and yet at the same time have not very much to do with the game.  Brad Pitt stars as the General Manager for the Oakland A's, which is a team that's prestigious for being incredibly craptacular, and so with the help of the pervy-now-turned-scholar kid from "Superbad", he finds ways to change how the game is played; he brings the A's out of the toilet right before they were about to be flushed down to their poopy doom!

This was a very pleasant movie to watch, and it even helped me forget my traumatic days playing little league where the popular pretty boy from Elementary school acted like a backstreet boy and batted the baseball right to my heart... So I did the right thing by being a man and quitting the sport for good, hmm.   The acting from Pitt was outstanding (as always), but the person I was really impressed with was Jonah Hill's character who took me and C completely by suprise by showing us he can be a VERY effective serious actor.  One last thing I liked about this movie was the soundtrack, that although it was simple, it is what gave the movie it's finishing touches of serenity

4 out of 5

The Scream Series

Wes Craven you old lug!  You sure do know how to make a hyper 24 year old giddy with your gory buckets of fun... and blood.  The way I pay tribute to this man is by having a "Ghostface" Goblet hold pencils on top of my desk, and also to hold the occasional cranberry juice.  The Problem with so many Horror movies out there (especially with "Slashers") is that they try too hard to be serious, which is why "Scream" is such a breathe of fresh morbid air because the focus of the entire series is to make a parody of itself, and laugh about how other horror movies are made.  The entire series is spooky, and each entry has a twist ending that's sure to shatter your universe, which is what every ideal horror film should have.  The best of the series is defanitly "Sream 4" due to it's trippy ending, which I will not disclose here, but to truly appreciate it you need to see the other 3 films.  Now go grab some popcorn, an extra pair of pants just in case your a wussy, and start slashing away at this slasher!

Waiting For Forever

Oh how wonderful it is when a respectable red-headed brotha can find a chick-flick that satisfies all my expectations (and MORE!), even though it wasn't a largely produced or advertised film.  By far the most stalker friendly Romantic Comedy since "Bed of Roses", this film proves to be unbearably creepy at times (or desired, depends on which side of the coin you've chosen).  It follows the story of Will Donner and his quest to win the heart from his childhood sweety. The only problem he has is... EVERYTHING!  She is the smoken (but modestly) hot girl from the Crappy "O.C." show, and he's a bum who wears PJ's all day every day.  Unlike the main character's PJ's, the movie itself is not ugly, boring, and full of pee-stains, this movie oddly succeeds in being light-hearted and fun; it made me want to  open one of those bags of "fun-dips" candies (don't ask).  There are two things you can get from this movie.
1. A huge smile on your face if you had a bad day, or are about to have one, and
2. If you're a stalker, then this movie gives you free advice on how to be more efficient at your profession.

5 out of 5

The Conspirator

Funny thing about Robert Redford is that he may be a good looking man (for his age), and he may give off that charming demeanor, but i'm pretty sure he's as boring as a senile old man doing stand-up comedy... wait that actually sounds amazing... I digress.  I was worried because Redford's movies have a tendency to be like him, dashingly well put together but as boring as a slow BM.  ALAS this movie does not fall into the rest of his pile of droppings.  It was surprisingly not that bad, and it actually reminded me of the Clint Eastwood film "Changeling" with all of courtroom scenes.
It drives me so crazy when I see movies like this and "The Majestic" where a bunch of old piggish men wearing fancy suits, and they give a person a chance to trial only so the person can have no chance of winning and eventually be executed.  I'm sure the entire time the trials in "The Conspirator" were going on, Abe was looking down (honestly) from heaven thinking to himself "what a bunch of idiots! you guys are acting like a bunch of Elementary kids arguing over toys in the sandbox!" Then shortly after saying that he got ready for his famous Geico Commercial.

3 1/2 out of 5