Horror Movie Update

V/H/S/2
Found footage movies have (in my opinion) been run into the ground, and if there are anymore like the Paranormal Activity movies, or Chernobyl Diaries, then I'm going to explode and start shooting the squirrels running around on my front lawn.  Just when I was about to give up on found footage movies and lock and load my squirrel gun I saw the first V/H/S film, and although it was gritty and borderline nauseating with all the shaking cameras, I thought it revived some new life in the Found Footage Genre.  Now although V/H/S/2 didn't feature any work from master of horror Ti West, I thought in some ways that the sequel surpassed the original.  First of all, after generating a lot of buzz and rave reviews from the horror fan base, the sequel was given more money to complete the film, so you're seeing a lot less "camera-shaking" and greater special effects that resemble what you would see in a big budget flick.  Second of all, the sequel has more blood involved, especially with the segment about a bike rider being bit by a zombie where be becomes the tool in a massive zombie outbreak, so it should be known that I was jumping up and down for joy.  Although I found the stories to be much more entertaining than the original V/H/S, the one fall back was that the stories weren't as creepy as the ones found in the original, but you can't win them all right?

4 out of 5

ABCs of Death

I think I finally realized that I have a type.  Just like the V/H/S franchise the ABCs of Death is a Horror Anthology without the shaky-camera crap that isn't just a combination of 4 or 5 short horror films, instead this one has 26 short films done by 26 different horror directors; one film for each letter of the alphabet (if you didn't get that all ready then there is no hope for you).  At first it is about as exciting as getting a $5 Hot n Ready from Little Ceasers, but the only downside to there being so many short films is that you're bound to run into a few duds.  That shouldn't prevent you from witnissing this flick, because although there may be a few duds the fact remains that there are 26 different films in this movie, and that while one segment may suck the next one could be a bag of diamods (or smoked oysters, or anything you find desirable).  Now how it all works is that the movie takes each letter of the alphabet, for example "A", and the filmmakers have to find a word that begins with the letter, then has to find a scenerio where people die based on what that word is.  This makes it a bundle of fun because the word isn't revealed to you until the end of each segment, so during each short film you're just trying to figure out what the word is before it's revealed to you.  

3 1/2 out of 5
 

American Mary

Good "Body-Horror" films are hard to come by.  These are films that involve grotesque and unsettling body

transformations that have a goal aimed at making you feel sour at the end.  American Mary might very well be the best body-horror film I've ever seen, and let me tell you why.  First thing I loved about this film is the style, and that can be attributed to directors Jen Soska & Sylvia Soska who have a nack for making "High Fashion" films, so its more like a disturbing version of the Devil Wears Prada and is reminiscent of the style found in American Psycho.  It follows the story of a medical student named Mary Mason who, surprise surprise, is as broke as a joke, and as a result is having a tough time in her personal life.  After performing an unsanctioned "life or death" surgery on an individual, the word spreads to everybody that there is a surgeon who will perform any desired surgery without the fear of being turned away or caught, the only catch is you have to pay her a large sum of money.  Thus begins Mary's new profession as an underground surgeon, and every thing was dandy until she got sexually assaulted by one of her professors, causing her to plunge into absolute madness, similar to Lindsey Lohan's life.  This film is gnarly, and it's about as uplifting as the Westboro Baptist Church, so it is definitely not for the faint of heart.

4 1/2 out of 5

Paranormal Activity Trilogy

I remember seeing the comercials for the very first "Paranormal Acitvity" film, and boy did that make me want to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge without a bungie cord in excitment!  A film that is so scary that people all around the world are requesting it to be brought to their theaters? This is just too good to be true!.. and to my sadness, it was to good to be true.  Even though I'm reviewing the third and final (but not really) sequel in the series, I'll be talking about them all collectively, and at the same time trying to remove the temptation of putting a gun to my head.  The entire story started with this healthy looking couple wanting to document all the creepy noises going on by recording throughout the night, and through the recordings they capture many supernatural phenomenons.  This makes them oddly happy for a short time, until the demon/ghost gets anal and starts slapping them around while messing with their furniture.  Personally I don't think the demon is as evil as everyone thinks he is.  I think he is most likely a 8-year old loser child who tries to hard to get everyone to focus on him, and when they don't give him the attention he needs, he proceeds to pull them from the bed and drag them down the stairs... You know kids right?  The third film goes even deeper into the past of sisters Ali and Katie, as you get to see them experience supernatural terrors with their parents, and their grandma who looks as though she just escaped a violent Amish community.

The Good:
After hearing that the "Paranormal Activity" series scared the crap out of everyone, I decided to pull up my huggies and give them a try.  Even though the film doesn't scare you out of your pants right off the bat, it does place in your mind some crazy images that will affect you at night.  So word to the wise, when this 8-year old child of a demon wants to show you something, or play a game of twister, you better do what he wants or he'll go all "Children of the Corn" on your hiney and start pulling you out of bed!

The Bad:
You know that feeling you get when someone talks something up like it's the second coming, and then you find out it's the biggest disapointment since the invention of adult diapers; Do they really hold everything?  This series was a similar kind of disappointment.  I brought myself in to the living room ready to watch this movie and prepared to be scared, and with an extra pair of pants for when I soil myself, but alas the soiling did not happen, and instead I fell asleep, dreaming of being a contestant on Iron Chef.  I'm not going to lie there are some parts of the series (especially in the third one) that have some legitimate scary moments as I said earlier, but the problem is they usually happen in the LAST 3 MINUTES!!!  That is the beef I  have with most of these "Found Footage" movies, because you're guarenteed complete boredom for at least an hour and a half before things start getting interesting; You better bring some knitting or toe-nail clippers into the movie with you so you don't fall asleep.  I'm also tired of people now thinking that if you make a Horror film with a budget of only a few dollars, then it's bound to be a success, because that is about as true as Michael Jackson's nose.  This series has proved to me that sometimes the lower budget a movie has, the less interesting it gets.

The Ugly:
I recommend people to see this movie, but only so these people can finally say "I saw it!"  Maybe my problem is I assumed this series would be like god's gift to mankind, because that's how good people were making it seem, so when I actually saw it I became sad as if my dog had been run over.  Like the Hooters Billboard once said, "Set your standards low, so you'll be pleasantly suprised."  Maybe we should all take this advice from the wise girls of Hooters and use it, at the same time ignoring the fact they work at Hooters because of unresolved daddy issues at home.

2 out of 5

P.S. Here is the poster for the upcoming sequel!

Chronicle

Look what you did Blair Witch!!!  Ever since the success of "The Blair Witch Project", Hollywood has been obsessed with making low-budget blockbusters.  Sometimes they succeed, and sometimes they fail about as bad as an ADHD kid during a game of "Go Fish".  When the politically correct group of friends named Andrew, Steve, and Matt come across a radioactive polygon, they find their hormones are going wild!  And no I'm not talking about the dirty stuff.... like playing in the mud.  They develop X-Men-ish powers and have the time of their lives, until Andrew starts going psycho on everybody.  Basically this flick is like a soap-opera with awesome special effects, and enough violence to satisfy even the craziest of loner High Schoolers with large amounts of angst.

The Good:
Just like the time I saw the first X-Men movie, "Chronicle" filled me with an abundance of pleasent day-dreams, about what I would do if I had awesome powers.  The first thing that came to my mind would be to take everything I touch and turn it into ginger, because imagine what would happen if I touched a loaf of bread!!  Usually in movies it's easy to tell who's good and who's bad, but something I admired about "Chronicle" is although Andrew eventually went nuts, you don't hate the kid, instead you pity the guy and want to find a way to help him.  The simplicity of the story-line was also refreshing, because usually in "Superhero" movies there will be a heavily detailed plot that spans a 2 hour period, but in "Chronicle" the story-line is simply what everyone else would do if we had superpowers... We would fly around, move things with our minds, party like it's 1699, and pretend to be Wonder Woman.

The Bad:
I really wanted Andrew's dad to receive some sort of punishment!  I'm not going to give anything away, but lets just say he was a grade A Jerk who needs to receive a punishment as extreme as his crimes, like spending a vacation on a cruise hosted by Rosie O' Donnell.  The only other bad thing about this non-X-Men film is the fact that it's a "Found Footage" movie.  Like I said earlier sometimes it works (see "Last Exorcism", or "Blair Witch"), and sometimes it makes you want to upchuck on the elderly couple sitting next to you, because the camera is shaking too much like it did in "Cloverfield".  Even though "Chronicle" wasn't too bad with the camera shaking all the time, you still have to admit that these "Found footage" movies are getting a little old.  If they don't quit making them soon, then there will be a lot more vomited popcorn and milk duds all over the theater floor.

The Ugly:
due to the fact that I don't usually watch "found footage" movies unless their Horror (which have their moments), I didn't go into this movie with much determination to stay awake.  As the story progressed my wife and I found it to be VERY interesting, and at times extremely entertaining.  Sure this "Superhero" movie is no "Avengers", but it does have more emotion than most big-budget hero flicks out there.

3 1/2 out of 5