Oh Thanksgiving break, how I love your autumn colors, your pumpkin pie, and your allowing me to take a break from my hectic life that is the OT program at USI. During this break when I wasn't working, or loosing my belt and taking off my pants because of all the sweet potato casserole I ate, I was catching up on tons of movies. Now I may be a little bit late on a few of these since I've taken some misguided moral stance against going to the movie theater (I even missed Insidious Chapter 2), but nevertheless the reviews are finally up for your viewing pleasure. Now since I've seen so many movies I won't be able to write novella reviews of all of them, so for the 3rd time I'll be giving you an array of mini reviews to catch up; a "Review Anthology" if you will.
Foreign films can be a little sketchy, because they'll either be really good like Pan's Labyrinth, or quite terrible like Only God Forgives... was that foreign? No wait that was in English... you get my point. I knew this one couldn't be too bad because it has Antonio Banderas in it, so I decided to give it a gander. HOLY CRAP!! Talk about a twist in the plot about midway through the movie that can only be compared to a crohn's patient's intestine during a colonoscopy. Because there's a huge twist ending in the movie I don't feel I can tell you any of the story, but one thing you can be sure of it that it's a cross breed between movies like Human Centipede and American Mary. The part of the story I will mention is that Antonio is a gifted surgeon who deals in trans-genesis and who is very admired by his colleagues, but when he's not helping people at work he is keeping a beautiful Spanish girl captive in his home so he can conduct experiments on her skin. Why is Antonio so creepy in this movie, and what plans does he have for the girl in his house? Want an answer? You'll have to go see the movie (or call me and ask for the ending because I desperately want someone to talk to about it).(4 out of 5)
Sometimes a brother wants a superhero movie just for the sake of having an action packed superhero movie. Although I do love the superhero films that are carefully planned and well thought out like Man of Steel, the Dark Knight series, and WATCHMEN, sometimes there needs to be a hero movie that was put together in a short while with no deep story plot points, and has enough action to satisfy even the nuttiest of action movie buffs. Wolverine does that exact thing. To be honest I don't even know if the storyline was even that good, all I'm focused on during an X-Men type movie is if Wolverine has his claws piercing someones neck or not, because for some reason (should be obvious) I think his claws are freakin awesome! Heck, the story could have been about how Wolverine embraced puberty as a kid, but as long as I see him destroy a village or stab a bully with his claws, i'm good. (3 1/2 out of 5)
Unless you've seen the previous two Hatchet films then you problably won't give a rat's buttocks, but I must talk about how awesome this movie is. Victor Crowley is the notorious killer-ghost who lives in a shed near a swamp on the outside of the city of New Orleans, and because he was killed when he was younger by people trying to burn down his house, he now takes his revenge out on all who venture into his woods/waters. This 3rd installment to the gory franchise is full of gory loony-tunes action as Marybeth (the victim from the two previous films) continues to try to kill the ghost who murdured her father once and for all. This movie is for those people who love movies that show a lot of gore for no reason at all, and although in comparioson to the other films it isn't as good, it's still a gorefest that makes me feel as giddy as a crocidile who just took down a large animal. (3 out of 5)
I'm not going to lie, it took me a while to grow a pair and see this film. I can handle gore just fine, as you will see in the previous Hatchet III review, but what really gets my undies in a twist are home-invasion movies, and I'll tell you why. When I served my mission in Canada for my church, my missionary companion and I had a small apartment in a really creepy area, and for some reason we felt that locking the door was a stupid idea. Well one night I couldn't fall asleep, and while being awake I could hear my companion walking around the kitchen getting something to eat or what not, but when I looked over to his bed at the other side of the room (being slightly blocked by a chest of droors) I saw that he was still in it.... HOLY F@#$!! After I noticed he was there I looked to the lit up door frame and saw a tall man who wanted to ---Insert bad experience here---, but thank goodness my companion was an overly muscular 7-foot Samoan with a short temper the size of a midget. Since that experience I am now OCD when it comes to locking all doors/windows in the house, and I'm deathly afreaid of Home Invasian Horror movies. Luckily this movie didn't give me Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome too much, and if anything I thought it was a brutal good time. There isn't much to the story other than the fact that the elf woman from Lord of the Rings and her Underworld boyfriend get terorized by a trio of bipolar hickerbillies. You will have to see how the ending pans out for yourself. (4 out of 5)
Of course not all the movies I saw over thanksgiving break were gems, but there is always that one movie that makes you want to try blow-drying your hair while bathing. This is one of those movies, and it was really disappointing/misleading to me because it said on the case that it was presented by the famous Joe Dante, otherwise known as the Horror master behind such movies as Gremlins, Gremlins 2, and The Hole. Seeing his name on the case made me pumped for this movie, and after viewing this crap the only thing that kept his name from being too tainted was the fact that he only "Presented" the movie, and he in fact didn't "Direct" or "Write" it. The story is an original one with a bunch of horny teenagers going camping in the woods, and everything was going well for them until they came across a killer who looked like he was a contestant on the Survivor TV show, and then things begin to suck for them... That is basically the story with no big plot points, and even the kills weren't that good. Instead of going to see this movie, I would recommend that you do something more productive with your time, like getting a colonoscopy or making out a will.(1 out of 5)
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