Jane Eyre

Alice from "Alice in Wonderland" grew up into the depressed and unfortunate girl we all knew she would be, but don't feel too bad for her, because now she's got one heck-of-a fling going with Magneto (who by the way has gotten a lot creeper since he shot his best friend in the buttocks).  I'm not so sure how I feel about this because he looks as if he could be her father, but who am I to judge?  Surely there were some magnetic sparks flying between them; he is Magneto after all.  Just when you think that there is some light at the end of the tunnel for our favorite depressed orphan, all happy feelings are gone when she realizes that the light is nothing more than the signs of a possible stroke coming up.  Mia Wasikowska succeeds in giving us not only a name that I couldn't pronounce if my life depended on it, but shows us a Jane Eyre that seems more real than the "other" Jane Eyres from previous movies; I think a lot of it has to do with her sad eyes that have "you just ran over my dog" written all over them.  This film brings satisfaction to everyone who loves a good old fashion chick flick, and especially to those (like me) who love nothing more than to enjoy a borderline Horror movie with real substance in it.

4 1/2 out of 5

Abduction

You know how some people say they "feel naked" if they're missing their shoes/belt/I-pod/bible/stained underwear?  Well for our muscular native Taylor Lautner it means the exact opposite, because he feels naked when he's wearing cloths as we've learned from him playing a poodle in "Twilight".  When starting this movie C and I gave it about two minutes before Jacob (Crap!), I mean taylor removes his shirt, making his abs completely exposed so that all the teenage girls in the audience are wooed into a coma.  Knowing that he just came from doing all the "Twilight" films, I must say that my expectations of this movie being "good" were not very high, as a matter of fact I predicted that picking my nose and watching Dora the Explorer would have been a better use of my time.  To my suprise the movie... still sucked, but effectively!  The storyline was crap, taylor was still wooing teenagers, his love interest had enormous eyebrows, and her eyebrows were a different color, making me wish that she was killed off in the movie.  What was good was the action (of course how could we expect any less from Jacob), the soundtrack, everything but that girl's eyebrows, and when the movie ended.  The movie was dumb, but the enjoyable kind of dumb like those "dumb dumb suckers"

2 out of 5

Moneyball

Not all, but like a great deal of strangely patriotic Americans out there, I say I like baseball purely because it's an American pastime, but in reality I have practically no idea what goes on in the sport.  From what I gather is that all the players in the field chew and spit out tobacco in an "i'm going to kill your firstborn" fashion, and at the same time get in trouble for taking that juice that makes your muscles tougher.  It's odd for there to be a movie about baseball and yet at the same time have not very much to do with the game.  Brad Pitt stars as the General Manager for the Oakland A's, which is a team that's prestigious for being incredibly craptacular, and so with the help of the pervy-now-turned-scholar kid from "Superbad", he finds ways to change how the game is played; he brings the A's out of the toilet right before they were about to be flushed down to their poopy doom!

This was a very pleasant movie to watch, and it even helped me forget my traumatic days playing little league where the popular pretty boy from Elementary school acted like a backstreet boy and batted the baseball right to my heart... So I did the right thing by being a man and quitting the sport for good, hmm.   The acting from Pitt was outstanding (as always), but the person I was really impressed with was Jonah Hill's character who took me and C completely by suprise by showing us he can be a VERY effective serious actor.  One last thing I liked about this movie was the soundtrack, that although it was simple, it is what gave the movie it's finishing touches of serenity

4 out of 5

The Scream Series

Wes Craven you old lug!  You sure do know how to make a hyper 24 year old giddy with your gory buckets of fun... and blood.  The way I pay tribute to this man is by having a "Ghostface" Goblet hold pencils on top of my desk, and also to hold the occasional cranberry juice.  The Problem with so many Horror movies out there (especially with "Slashers") is that they try too hard to be serious, which is why "Scream" is such a breathe of fresh morbid air because the focus of the entire series is to make a parody of itself, and laugh about how other horror movies are made.  The entire series is spooky, and each entry has a twist ending that's sure to shatter your universe, which is what every ideal horror film should have.  The best of the series is defanitly "Sream 4" due to it's trippy ending, which I will not disclose here, but to truly appreciate it you need to see the other 3 films.  Now go grab some popcorn, an extra pair of pants just in case your a wussy, and start slashing away at this slasher!