Rango

Overview:  Spending too much time in a cage can do something to lizards, and that's what happened with our buddy Rango.  Together with his bath-toy-fish Mr. Tibbs, their lives are full-blown INSANE.  After Rango lands in a bunch of crap after a car crash, he finds himself stranded in a desert, thirsty and all alone.  After walking deeper into the desert he stumbles upon what looks like the "Chipmunks" adaptation of the "True Grit" movie.  Pretty soon Rango talks himself up like the second coming of Christ and gains some respect... but will it last?

The Good:  I hope the Johnney Depp/Tim Burton marriage is ok, because it seems like he may be cheating on him with Gore Verbinski. Now I aint no Marriage counselor, but this fling with Verbinski is an affair that I can be ok with.  Rango is definityly a feast for the eyes, and you don't even need the story.  Johnney Depp dishes out his hickish non-British humor and wins the show, right alongside Depp is one of my red-haired peeps Isla Fisher, who plays one heck of a good ADHD lizard.  Practically every animated movie out there is dominated by computer, and it seems like it's getting a bit boring, but Rango provides a new twist on the genre with its combination of "Animal Farm" with "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly".  The movie was actually pretty clever at times, and it fulfilled my awkward dream of seeing a bunch of disgusting rodents talk with the hickiest of Hickerbilly accents.

The Bad:  It's not that the story of the movie was completely horrendus, but I couldn't have cared less.  The animation was original, but the storyline wasn't.  Just like any other hero story, the hero goes into a town full of animals and falls in love with an ADHD lizard... Seriously! I'm sick and tired of seeing hero's make out with other lizards.... freaks.  Now with Wolves it's OK, as we were obviously shown in "Red Riding Hood".  One last bad thing has to do with the whole "talking animals" films. They're driving me insane!  If one more movie about talking animals comes out then i'll have to do something wreckless... like mooning an entire gang of skinheads.  The only time talking-animal movies should be allowed (from now on) is if it's another "Narnia" flick, or a film about a talking Platypus.

The Ugly:  It's not the funniest, nor the most original animated movie I've ever seen, but it is very artistic.  It's a good family movie that will provide good lessons to young-bloods (kids), hickish animals for adults to laugh at, and for pet lizards who can relate to Rango's story.

2 1/2 out of 5

Tales from Earthsea

Overview:  Did you know that middle-earth had a cousin? well he/she did, and its name was Earthsea, which was no doubt coined by a 3-year old who wasn't right in the head.  Out of the blue the entire world of Earthsea is going bananas! People are starting to act funkier than the Jersey Shore cast, and some pretty anal looking dragons are starting to appear everywhere.  Ged is a not-gay-for-Dumbledore wizard who's concerned about all the chaos, and along his quest he teams up with an extremely bipolar adolescent boy named Arren who has a dangerous secret of his own.  Their quest becomes harder as an unnaturally deep-voiced witch named Kumo tries to destroy Ged by using Arren.  Pretty Freaken exciting eh?!

The Good:  Hayao Miyazaki is not only a great animator, but he is (hands down) one of the greatest filmmakers of all time, and it may be argued by many (including me) that HE IS the greatest filmmaker!  As it turns out good film-making runs in the family, as his son Goro Miyazaki begins his directoral debut with "Tales from Earthsea".  Goro is an amazing artist, and there are some images in this movie that stick with you long after the credits.  There were parts of this movie that, much like all the other Miyazaki movies, were so perfectly put together that you just want to fall into a deep sleep, and this is not because the movie is boring, but because it's so beautiful; I liken it to ENYA singing me to sleep... Then C comes home.  Ha!  It's hard to describe this movie, instead you just need to see it.  It's a beautifully drawn, beautifully scored, and beautifully narrated story that has the potential to relax you like a narcotic if you let it.

The Bad:  I did like this movie, and thankfully I've been able to re watch my favorite scenes thanks to my second love which is Netflix, but it's not like the movie doesn't have it's flaws.  I'm a huge Ghibli fan, and Hayao Miyazaki's films are some of my favorites.  Although his son Goro doesn't dissapoint, "Tales from Earthsea" is not on the high alter with the other Ghibli movies like "Spirited Away" or "Howl's Moving Castle"; and that's probably due to some tiny flaws in how the plot is told.

The Ugly:  I strongly recommend everyone to see this, regardless if you like anime or not.  I hate anime with the same burning passion Jack had before he sunk to the depths of the ocean, while his lazy-butt girlfriend rested nicely on the big door.  I hate anime but I love Studio Ghibli's movies, because unlike many other films, they are VERY good at telling stories, and they're very artistic unlike all that Poke'man crap.  Give this movie a chance, and appreciate it as a true work of art.

5 out of 5

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

Overview:  My home-dog Dylan Dog is just your normal detective with the perfect blend of cool "Dragnet" type qualities you would expect, except he sort of has a thing for securing justice among the undead and hairy wolves; he's like a less cool version of "Hellboy".  When another rich-white collector is murdered it sets off a string of unnatural and violent events among the "Monster" community, and it's up to our "Dick Tracy" wannabe to make sure the world doesn't become completely screwed.  All at the same time Dylan helps his friend Marcus come to terms with his new undead makeover, and also to overcome the gag-reflex that comes with his new diet.

The Good:  I love "Dick Tracy" styled movies about as much as the next self-respecting American, because they're just plain awesome.  I love the whole nonchalant attitude that Dylan (played by Superman) gives off, and can I expect any less from an awesome detective? Nada.  It's no surprise to the world that I have a love affair with the Horror Genre, and they are my second love after my beloved wife... then after horror it would have to be nasty buffet food; what can I say I'm patriotic, but I digress.  It makes me happy to know that this is a Horror movie I can show to people who get scared easy, because it's also a comedy that succeeds in being silly all throughout.  Although I'm sure it did scare my young nieces who are still under the age of WAY YOUNG!  Their future night terrors will destroy my status of being an awesome uncle... *Sigh*.

The Bad: Besides possibly terrifying my nieces, this movie just wasn't that exciting.  I wasn't expecting it to have many GOOD scares since it's a Horror/Comedy and all, but I was excited to possibly witness something semi-scary.  Did I find these scary scenes? nope, I was left at the bottom of the pit while being asked to put lotion on.  There were some funny moments, but Sam Huntington's sarcastic comic relief could only go so far, and I knew at some point that he would die in the movie, and I guess technically he did; get it? HE WAS UNDEAD!! I wish I could say something bad about Brandon Routh since it was his movie, but the only people I can blame are the filmmakers for giving him such bad material to work with, because it seemed all he was trying to do was save the movie from taking a crap on itself.  When the movie ends you get one of those anti-climatic feelings that make you want to slam your head against the wall for some excitement, which I didn't do; that welt on my head is a birthmark.

The Ugly:  The only time I would advise seeing this movie is if you're with a bunch of drunken fraternity friends and you have nothing else to talk about, in other words make sure your're in a campy mood and don't expect too much.  A wise Billboard once said "Set your goals low, that way you won't be disappointed with bad results later".  This is what you must do with "Dylan Dog: Dead of Night", and that way you can enjoy it a little bit more

2 out of 5

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Overview:  The same fox from "Grizzley Man" lost his hat stealing job ever since Timothy Treadwell was mauled by the bear, and now he's turned towards a comedic career path.  In this delightful film, Mr. Fox and his hot foxy-wife decide to drop their chicken stealing profession once Mr. Fox found out his wife was impregnated.  Bored with his life, Mr. Fox and his yet to be road-killed possum friend begin stealing chickens again, but the three owners won't stand for this.  Now that he's placed his family and the rest of the rodent population in jeapordy, it's up to Mr. Fox to help save the day and prove once and for all that he truly is fantastic!

The Good:  I may not be the biggest Wes Anderson fan ever, and I especially hated The Royal Tenenbaums, but I was completely taken by suprise with how funny this movie was.  Technically it's only George Clooney's voice, but this has to be my favorite movie he's ever been in, it took a lot to beat "Batman and Robin".  The humor is spot-on all throughout, and all the actors (especially Bill Murray) were inspired.  I was a little skeptical of the quality of the animation just because I have a hard time liking any stopmotion pictures that aren't done by either Tim Burton or Henry Selick, but the skittish and sometimes silly animation only added to the dry sense of humor that Wes Anderson provides.

The Bad:  There are many things that I like dry in the world, including: my bed (but I haven't pee'd it in over a week), Potato chips, and clothing.  Some of the things I don't like too dry includes: Chicken, my mouth, and comedy movies.  I did love this movie a lot, and I often found myself laughing, but just like with every other Wes Anderson movie there are parts that need to be a little bit more moist (much like a normal BM... what? I have Crohn's!!).

The Ugly:  This was a joyfull movie that's perfect for families because it has action and humor that everyone can enjoy.  If you want to get the most out of this flick make sure you have a chore to do around the house, just in case you find some parts a little slow.  When all is said and done, I liken this movie unto a block of cheese and crackers... DELICIOUS!!!

4 1/2 out of 5

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Overview:  After the apes couldn't get enough joy from terrorizing humans in "28 Days Later", they travel across the seas to San Francisco and probe it with a vengeance.  Will Rodman is one of the very few decently-attractive-men-that-are-nerdy-scientists out there, and through experiencing on apes he's been able to develop a potential cure for Alzheimer's!   This drug also has a side effect of making apes too smart for my taste, and after Will's baby monkey (that he should have given birth to) becomes ultra intelligent, he leads a massive army of monkeys in an uprising.... in other words he led a bunch of peace/love/dope hippies back to the forest, much like the 60's.

The Good:  Andy Serkis owned this movie, much like I own the bathroom when my crohns acts up.  I didn't even know actors who did motion capturing could be that good, but alas they can, and there is a great possibility that he'll earn himself an Oscar for this role.  James Franco satisfies me (in the movie-making business) yet again, and he was very good in this movie because he didn't steal the scene whenever he was shown, but he was a great supporting actor in complimenting Andy Serkis' acting job.  Even though I was one of the few who liked Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes" remake, this was the "Ape" film I've been waiting for.  the buildup in this movie is tremendous, and once the ape battle scenes take place in the end I got chills so big that it felt like having a 50 cent ice-cream cone at McDonald's.  This was definitely the best movie I've seen in theaters this summer thus far.


The Bad:  Not much bad with this movie because it's about as perfect as Brad Pitt's teeth, but there is one thing I had beef with... great now I'm hungry.  I wish there were more battle scenes and more killing of the disgusting humans!  Don't worry there is plenty of action going on, but i'm one of those ultra-Horror-loving freaks that wants more.

The Ugly:  See it, it may not sound that appealing at first because it's about a bunch of anal monkeys, but it is totally worth it.  Not only is the best movie of the summer, but it's the best "Planet of the Apes" movie in general.  It's a serious, gritty, hairy, and toothy movie that'll make you want to terrorize other people APE STYLE!

5 out of 5

30 Minutes or Less

Overview: Being a pizza delivery guy once again proves to be one of the worst professions ever! After Nick delivers a delicious pizza to a couple doofuses dressed up like cast members from "Planet of the Apes", they knock him out and he wakes up with a bomb strapped to his chest; and this time he can't pull an "Iron Man" and get out of it.  the two bozos named Dwayne and Travis want to get rich but don't want to get their hands dirty, so they get nick and his friend to steal the money for them because he was such a speedy pizza delivery guy;

The Good:  This movie made my funny bone go absolutely bananas!!!  Much like "Horrible Bosses" there wasn't a single actor in this movie that wasn't funny (in my opinion), even Mark Zuckerberg was hilarious.  The Scene that was particularly joyful was the actual bank robbery scene (don't freak out, it's in the trailers), where the lady throws the gun to the wall and it shoots the man in the foot; "Who throws a gun like that?!!!"  My special appreciation goes out to Aziz Ansari, who single handily saves every slightly boring moment in the movie by saying something so stupid that my IQ drops 10 points, and now i der ner how spell?  The bad guys were quite joyful, and the only bad thing they did was waste a perfectly formed pizza.

The Bad:  Although C and I thought this movie was funny, it wasn't exactly funny ALL the way through.  There were some parts that I thought the movie was going to fail, had it not been for Aziz Ansari's brilliant stupidity to save the day (see people, being a nerd does have it's perks).  One last problem C and I had with this flick was that there was no real in-depth plot, and instead you got what you were expecting.

The Ugly:  This may not be the biggest kids movie ever, and it may not have the widest plot, but it is so funny I came that close (and that's pretty close) to lizzing.  Anyone who graduates from High School and refuses to do anything with their live should see this movie before taking action, because the only benefits you get are wasted pizzas, dorky friends, and picking each other's noses.

3 1/2 out of 5

Season of the Witch

Overview:  Realizing that the Crusades weren't such a good thing (ga-der!), Behmen and Hellboy decide to desert the murderous crusade and... walk a lot?  Eventually they're caught by some ugly UGLY peasants and will receive amnesty from the church in exchange for some otter-pops and a risky errand.  The task is to transport a suspected witch to a remote Cathedral to be accused... it could be that she isn't a witch, and maybe she was just having a series of disputes with her BFFs at school.  While transporting the girl our two heroes begin to wonder if she really is a witch, especially since she speaks in tongues (most likely from Spanish 101), can drop her voice like a beautiful sounding bass instrument, and she basically tries to kill them multiple times... THAT WITCH!!

The Good:  When I saw the trailer for this movie I laughed as much as the red-headed bully from "A Christmas Story", because I knew that it was going to royally suck.  Not only did I discover that the movie was actually good, but it's actually a way better plague movie than "Black Death" was.  The Acting (to my amazement  was pretty good, especially from my boy Ron Perlman, nothing brought me more joy than seeing him go all "Hellboy" on the innocent people in the crusades... well maybe my wedding was more joyus.  Probably the biggest way the movie surprised me was how I first assumed it was another crummy "Lord of the Rings" wannabe like "In The Name of the King" was, but instead it was like a medieval version of "The Exorcist".  at times this was a legit scary movie with a great story line and excellent build up all throughout.

The Bad:  The only bad part of this movie I could find was the lack of love scenes... ha, just kidding... or am I?  The one flaw was with some of the special effects.  They are really not that bad, but that itchy/scary feeling leaves a little bit when the movie's effects become a bit too fantastical.  The other thing that made a vein in my head burst was how all the characters were in Europe, and yet none of them had accents! What the heck?  When I hear witches accused tortured and burned, I want to believe it for real! ha; dark was it not?

The Ugly:  This movie didn't do that well in the theaters, probably because everyone assumed it was just another chance for Nicolas Cage to shove his face in your bubble, and that's usually true but it's not the case with this one.  Ya'll need to give this movie a chance, because it takes Action Adventure and Horror, and it blends them together to make a fun ride.  Oh yeah, the actress ho plays the witch-girl is amazing!

4 out of 5