The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh

Rosalind Leigh was a troubled old women, dipping into the dark arts of collecting angel statues, collecting creepy artifacts from Africa whose eyes rival that of the creepy doll of The Conjuring, and all this while she lives alone in a house that is far too big for her.  Of course this creepy lifestyle became a bit too much for her son Leon who one day decided to say "Eff this!" and left as soon as he can, and apparently it was so traumatizing that he would ignore his mom's requests to meet and or get together for a game of Yahtzee.  Eventually Rosalind kicked the bucket (meaning she died like Morgan Freeman in the Bucket List) and left her estate and her entire collection of creepy angel statues to her son Leon, who eventually came to claim his inheritance.  As he ventures throughout the house he continually has episodes of nostalgia of living with his cult-leader-of-a-grandma, and at the same time finds out that there is a great evil lurking throughout the house that could have something to do with his grandma's death, and/or a demented dog he forgot to feed.

The Good:
Now I may not have completely understood the story, and as a matter of fact it made about as much sense as the resturant down the street that serves Pizza, Subs, and Tacos all at the same time, but holy crap is this film creepy!!  I don't even care that I'm still struggling to know the ending, having Leon exploring the house in the dark and all alone provides enough chills that I thought I was outside and naked in the snow; talk about vulnerable.  What makes the movie even creepier is that it is narrated by Leon's mother Rosalind (voiced by Vanessa Redgrave), who provides the extra layer of dread with her naration while Leon is wondering what's behind the door or what is making the noises at the bottom of the darkened stairwell.  When I found this movie I wasn't even expecting anything good, and if anything I was just scanning through netflix in hopes of a crappy movie I could half pay attention to, but gee-golly if this wasn't an awesome film to come upon. 

The Bad:
Since this is one of those Horror films that has a "hard to read" storyline, it is in your best interest to pay attention throughout the entire film, which may or may not result in you wetting yourself.  I for myself see this (in a weird way) as a good thing, but it should be obvious by now that i'm easily impressed with movies, let alone how impressed i'd be with a roll of bubble wrap, and that other people are more critical than I, so this movie isn't for everyone. 

The Ugly:
If you are one of those Horror nerds who loves a good movie with wicked narration and eerie atmosphere, then The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh is cherry, unless you don't like cherries, then you can substitute that with a pomegranate and/or a pear.  It is also important to remember that if you do end up watching this movie, then it would be best to give it your finest attention.  What you shouldn't do is turn this movie on when taking care of a newborn child at 3:00 am because he won't sleep by himself all at the same time having every light in the house turned off... but why would I ever do that?

4 1/2 out of 5

Maniac

I myself love any slasher film about as much as the next brother with a chemical imbalance, even when they suck-didily-uck.  The stories are basically the same in every slasher flick, aka, you have to constantly guess who the killer is.  Finding out the killer isn't all that hard either, because he/she is probably the misunderstood person with mommy/daddy issues and decides to act out by slaughtering people in very creative ways.  Maniac is a remake of a moderate slasher film way back in the day, and the story follows a mannequin restorer named Frank, who (surprise surprise) had a horrible prostitute of a mother, which basically turned Frank into what would be considered a textbook definition of a sociopath; he is like Christian Bale from American Psycho but without the confidence, hygiene, social life, height, clean shaven face... OK he's nothing like Christian Bale.  To make himself feel like he has more control over women, he goes out and stalks them like Edward Cullen and shanks them with a pretty awesome looking blade... also just like Edward Cullen.  Upon his arrival home he takes the scalps that he carved from the women and places them on the mannequins so he could create his own fantasized social life... so basically it's just like he's adding friends to his Facebook page, except it's a little more above average with the fatalities.

The Good:
Among some of my very tough decisions in life such as "do I pick Captain Crunch with berries, or without?", "do I close the blinds when I'm watching Princess Diaries or not?", and "Do I use the toilet paper today, or should I see what it's like without it?"  I was caught between the tough decision of claiming either Evil Dead (2013) as my favorite horror film of the year, or do I choose the movie I'm reviewing right now?  Despite the fact that Maniac is a remake, it not only surpasses the "originality" of the original, but it also seals itself as quite possible one of the most original horror movies of all time!  And why is it so awesome you ask?  Well, it's not because you get to see Frodo from Lord of the Rings become pervy if that's what you're thinking.  The biggest plus this movie has going for it is that it was done in the 1st person view, so throughout the entire movie you are seeing all the events happening through Frank's eyes, and the only time you see our beloved Frodo is when he is looking at his depressing face in the mirror.  Something else I really respect about this movie is that it shows that monsters (those with anti-social personality disorder) aren't born, but they are made through several different influential factors that impact them early on in their lives (and sometimes later).  At first the viewer may see that there is no redeeming value in this film, and that if anything it's a disgusting portrayal of a sexist man who gets off on scalping women.  After watching Maniac I feel that if anything it tells the viewer that people like Frank do exist, maybe not the extreme that he is, but they exist all the same, and we need to be aware of that.  Some of the other pluses that honestly surprised me was the acting on Elijah Wood's part, and the very simple A-B storyline.

The Bad:
Maybe not to the extent that the Human Centipede I and II were, but still, this movie is definitely not for the faint of heart, and if not handled carefully it will make a person either run nose-first into the door whilst trying to leave the apartment, or it will make that person want to vomit on an ant-hill.  One other beef I have with this movie is related to the 1st person view, when Frank gets up close to another person's face.  Call me shallow, but when up close shots are taken of a person's face it makes me sick, maybe it's because I can see their pours and nose hairs, but it is something that always made me feel like evacuating my bowls right quick and in a hurry!

The Ugly:
Every family should see this movie... NOT!!  That would be a horrible idea!  And if that did happen then those parents would be compared to the balloon father as the worst parents on the face of the earth.  This is a film that should be experienced by someone who can hold their crap together, and look at it in a mature and even an academic way, because it does teach a lot about the mind set of someone who struggles with anti-social personality disorder.

5 out of 5

Top Ten Movies about Parenthood #6

Kick-Ass

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be considered a Super Hero?  NOT ME!  I am one of those wussys who runs to the frozen food section of a store when there's trouble, or screams in pain and agony before my heel even touches the pointy lego.  Apparently that didnt matter for ---, becuase even though he had about as many super powers as Michael Jackson had real noses, that didn't stop him from opening up a can of whoop-A on a couple gangsters.  So it should be no surprise that our friend got his @$$ kicked, but he wunt alone for long!  Along side our hero was a couple masked crusaders called Hit-Girl and her dad, rightfully called Big Daddy, and this is where the worlds greatest parenting comes into play.  Hit-Girl is a young middle-school aged youth with the cuteness of a lost puppy and the potty mouth of a Mel Gibson voice-mail.  The sad part is Hit Girl isn't 100% to blame for her behavior, instead it's her father.  Her father (Big Daddy) was a cop was bent on revenge after being wrongfully thrown into prison, and so in order to get back at his enemies he became a vigilante who looks more like Batman's awkward cousin, and he trained his daughter by teaching her karate and having her take voice lessons from the Insane Clown Posse.  This is TERRIBLE parenting!  It reminds me of when I was at work yesterday and my boss told me he witnessed a father teaching his son to use the word "Gay" as an appropriate response to anything he doesn't like.  Just when my faith in humanity is restored by acts of kindness like someone opening the door for me, or when my wife treats me to a $5 Hot-N-Ready, I see stuff like the douche of a parent at my work.  This movie is a lot like that parent I saw at work, and is one of the ones on my list that is a perfect example of what NOT to do, which is to turn your daughter into a potty-mouthed Sociopath!

3 1/2 out of 5

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Dear Frankie

Do you guys remember that guy called Gerard Butler? Yeah, the one who stared in several indie films and played Dracula in Dracula 2000?  Well this is him in his pre-heart-throb days, or you can say that this was the movie that began that painful chain of events.  The movie takes place in Scotland (Ga-der) where a single mom is mysteriously running from her abusive husband all across Scotland, dragging her young/def son named Frankie along with her.  Now while this lovely bunch of Scottish trash are running around, Frankie is under the impression that the reason why they're traveling so much is because they want to be around for when the father's boat docks, and the mom is feeding him these lies by pretending to be the father and sending him letters about his voyage, but don't worry, nothing could ever happen because the mother made up a fake name for the boat so that Frankie wouldn't question anything.  Well look what happened! The boat with that same fake name showed up and now she has to hire someone to pretend to be the father for the day that the boat is docked in the town (Datline's To Catch a Predator anyone?), and who better than Mr-Heart-throb-I-want-to-bake-eggs-on-your-chest Gerard Butler?!!!  I'm not going to say what happens next, but let me just tell you that this part of the movie will make a brother cry about as much as that time I was eating a lasagna filled with too much onions and watching Schindler's List at the same time.  What makes this an important parenting film for me is that although it appears the mother is just going crazy moving all the time and lying to her son about the father, they are lies that are only meant to protect her son, now I'm sure some of you would raise ethical questions that lying is never good, but by watching the movie and understanding the reasons why they are always on the run, things will make a little more sense.

 4 out of 5

Top Ten Movies about Parenthood #8

Easy A

Do you know those times in your life when you're conflicted on whether something is good or bad?  Examples for me would include Darth Vader, Captain Jack Sparrow, Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, and a cheap hole in the wall Chinese restaurant that got poor reviews and will no doubt give you the runs during church, at a funeral, or during your daily morning run... but I digress.  Olive's parents in this movie are hysterical!  they are the kind of parents you want to be friends with, and whom you would have a lengthy Facebook chat with several pokes that would no doubt lead to someone getting Facebook pregnant (I don't even know if that's a thing).  So that's when I think that parents like that would be awesome, but the kind of style they have makes them more like good friends than actual parents, and that can have a negative affect on the children later on in life because of the lack of discipline going on.  Whoops!!  Looks like I'm getting ahead of myself, because I've neglected to give the movie's synopsis, which I don't think is too horrible because unless you've been living under a rock or in an Amish community you've probably already seen this movie.  This is a loose and modern adaptation of the classic Scarlet Letter book and follows the story of Olive and her lie about getting freaky with a college dude, which in turn came around and slapped an "A" on her Victoria's Secret wardrobe, dubbing her the slut of the town.  With this lie spreading, she chooses to use her newfound title to pretend to have sexy times with people who are gay or have low self esteem issues, so that they can appear straight or BAD-@$$ until High School ends; basically she's helping them out without actually "helping them out" if you know what I mean.  Obviously things get complicated for her, and you would think that the parents would be around more during this trial, because although they do give her counsel every once in a while they don't think anything of it and just let this "phase" just pass on by.

3 1/2 out of 5

Top Ten Movies about Parenthood #9

So What to Expect When You're Expecting was more of a cute, warm, and fuzzy approach to parenting, and although the cute, warm, and fuzzy parenting films are the more preferred ones to watch, a brother can't deny that there are some movies with examples of pretty crappy parenting!  Although some of these movies can appear bleak and can sometimes be borderline depressing, I feel that viewing them is important because it exposes the viewer to what some of the consequences are when a parent is not doing his/her job right.  if only they made a biopic about the childhood of the Kardashians!

Mama

Victoria and Lilly have what you would call a hard knock life! At a young age their mother passed away because of the father doing something stupid, and instead of turning himself in and trying to make a better life for the girls he instead makes plans to kill them.  But no fear, his murderous intent was stopped by floating skinny old women who looks like she has been rubbing poo all over herself, and who has a mouth the size of Steve Tyler’s.  Although the children were now lost and abandoned by their biological father, this new entity took them in and made them her children, and also provided them a good diet of cherries, and enough of them to clean out a crohns patient.  So with this new mother to love them, and this new cherry-diet giving them healthy colons, they seemed to have it made… grizzly Adams style.  Eventually the kids are found by their uncle and his punk-rock-child-hating girlfriend, and together they take them in and try to fix the damage that years of isolation had done to them.  This all sounds fine but their mother who took care of them in the woods is a jealous mother, like soccer moms, and she might not take kindly to the new parents.  I found this to be an interesting movie about parenthood, because the Mama creature isn’t such a bad person, quite the opposite, she’s just very protective of these two girls.  The problem is Mama is so protective that anyone who forms a relationship with the girls will be violated by this poopy skinned creature.  The moral of this story is that if you are too incredibly protective of your children, eventually you start killing everyone around you… makes sense.

4 out of 5

Top Ten Movies about Parenthood #10

Something new has happened to my wife and I!!  The Stork has decided to drop on by and present us with a baby boy, and I'm assuming he arrived by Stork, and that he wasn't created the way it was shown to me by Jack and Rose in Titanic.  I was going to go back to my African American roots and name him Demarcus, but then caved to a more Celtic name because it was just straight awesome, For Certain reasons lets call him D for short.  Now that my son is born it made me reflect back on some of the better movies out there with a central theme of Parenthood, and let me tell you there are a lot.  To narrow them down to only a few, I'm going to give you my top 10 Parenthood movies that I feel every parent needs to view at least once.

10.  What to Expect When You’re Expecting

Everybody wants a baby right now!!  Some are prepared, some are not, some want a baby, and some don’t give a crap, and then some are Jennifer Lopez.  The movie takes the Love Actually way of telling a story of pregnant women, meaning that there are several characters in different stories involved in some ways of having a baby.  Some of the stories are noteworthy and some are just unrealistically stupid, but the one that stood out to me the most is between my 2^nd love Elizabeth Banks and Ben Falcone.  Their story is one of a couple parents who desperately want kids but are unable, even though Banks owns a baby shop.  Despite all the trials/troubles they were finally able to get pregnant, and even though Ben’s dad gets his wife pregnant at the same time with twins and treat it like it's some kind of competition, Falcone and Banks are extremely grateful for their child, and treat him like he’s the greatest treasure on earth… I'm hoping that the baby they have in the movie is a boy because otherwise I would be sounding really stupid right now.

3 out of 5