The Dark Knight Rises

I can now die happy!!  there are s select few things in my life that if I was to die right after witnessing them, then I would walk into heaven (or hell, I have no idea yet) with my head held high.  A few of these things are included in this list: having Enya sing me a lullaby to sleep, eating high-quality Meat Loaf with Meat Loaf, going to a Metallica concert and punching someone in the face, and to be one of the lucky judges on the "Iron Chef" TV show.  unfortunately none of those things have happened yet, but I was able to witness one of the next best things... SEE BATMAN!!  The final part of the Dark Knight Trilogy takes place about 8 years later, with Bruce Wayne living as a wealthy hermit in mourning of his dead girlfriend, and Gotham is (once again) receiving the crapper from some nut-job with a mask and a British Accent.  Will Batman suck it up, grow a pair, and defend the city?  Or will he mope in his large house, with lots of money being used to buy pointless but cool things?  I don't know, but either way his choices don't sound too bad.

The Good:
I'm not going to lie, Nolan had me worried with this one.  This Director has made a huge name for himself by delivering mind-bending action packed movies that take the genre in directions it has never been before.  Everyone thought "Batman Begins" was just an all around cool movie, and then when he made "Dark Knight" everyone knew the bar had been raised for Comic-book movies; people wondered if it could get any better.  not too long after "Dark Knight" he made "Inception", which was without a doubt one of the funnest and most captivating "theater" experiences of all time, and it was after that movie that I thought there was NO WAY he could out do himself again.   Well, obviously I was wrong, Nolan didn't just give us a descent ending to the trilogy, but he gave us a powerhouse conclusion that shines as one of the greatest films ever made!  Brilliant acting from everyone involved, and the story-line flowed so nicely you forget that your butt has been in the same place for 3 hours.  The part I was most impressed with was the Villain Baine.  Heath Ledger as the Joker is what made the last Batman movie so memorable, and I have to agree he was one of the greatest villains I've ever seen on screen, but that isn't to say that Tom Hardy's Baine doesn't measure up.  As the villain of this film, Baine raises the stakes to a higher level as he threatens to tear Gotham apart, and not toy with it like the Joker did.  The part of Baine's character that made him so creepy to me is the fact that while he's doing all these gritty things to Gotham, when he speaks he sounds like a pleasant British dude.  So the Whole time I'm watching Baine, I kept on thinking that's what Patrick Stewart would be like if he was pissed off.

The Bad:
Baine reminded me a little of Darth Vadar, so I kinda wanted to quote some "star wars" stuff during a better part of the flick.  Also that guy who did all that crap during the midnight showing needs to be put in a prison full of guys that haven't seen a girl in years.

The Ugly:
Not that I had any beef with "The Avenger", but "Dark Knight Rises" succeeds in being my favorite summer movie this year.  At the same time I don't think I can compare the two, because they are very different kinds of comic book movies.  "Avengers" was a more campy/fun experience, while "Dark Knight" was a more "this is freaken serious so wipe that smirk off your face" kind of movie.  I thought they were both amazing films, but since I'm obviously a fan of the Scary/horrific stuff in life, Batman steals the cake.  Go see this movie, and then you'll feel like you can die happy.

6 out of 5

Silent House

There is another Olsen sister?!!  Where in the name of crohns is this girl's twin?  in days of late the Olsen twins have been hitting rock bottom with their almost extinct movie career, yet I don't feel bad because they're still filthy rich. They continue to get money from such classics as "Billboard Dad", and their now very successful clothing line, so don't pity them too much.  But with every death of twins comes the rebirth of talented younger sisters... I don't know if that's a saying or not.  Not only does this girl have at least SOME meat on her bones, but she also has this natural beauty that isn't being bombed by first-class make-up companies.  "Silent House" is another one of those Horror films that's inspired by true events, which means in real life the main character was probably a 400 pound male with knee issues who lives in a haunted apartment.  The story follows a college-aged girl named Sarah, who is helping her uncle and dad fix up their old lake house so it can be sold for a buttload of money.  Since the power has been shut off it makes fixing up the house a chlling experience, and before you know it Sarah is in terror.  She hears dads fall down, see's creepy pioneer girls, evades pedophile uncles, and tries to find out who the intruder is.

The Good:
Being a Horror fan, it's very common to go see Horror films that are ALWAYS THE SAME!  when you look closely you realize that most exorcism movies involve innocent (but attractive) women, haunted houses always have some creepy girl who looks as if she's been rolling in the pig-pen, and slashers always include some misunderstood man with a deformed face who takes his rage out on jersey shore douchebags (and I support them in that endeavor).  "Silent House" is a very different take on "haunted house" Horror, because the entire film, lasting 88 minutes, is done in entirerly ONE TAKE.  This means that you're with Sarah in her terror-filled world every step of the way, almost like you're in her shoes... except I didn't like the shoes she was wearing, and I prefer shoes that make me sassy and bring out the color in my eyebrows.

The Bad:
shooting the entire movie in one take was brilliant, like giving Malfoy a goatee at the end of the final Harry Potter film, but just because the movie presented a good idea, doesn't mean the entire thing was like a bowl of peaches smothered in vanilla ice-cream.  Shooting a flick in Real time means that you get to be along the main character for the whole 88 minutes, which means that you'll be terrified to the point of crapping your pants when she gets scared, but that also means that when she's bored you get slightly bored as well... and to that I say, "bathroom break!!"

The Ugly:
I not sure what to say when it comes to this movie being worthy enough to buy, because I thought it was awesome to boot, but some people might not think the same!  the only real downfall is the couple small boring parts, and the fact that the movie doesn't have the most replay value.  Now me personally I buy all Horror films regardless of how good they were, so the chances are very high that i'll be purchasing this since it was entertaining, but again i'm not like other "more strict" Horror fans out there.  That's the beautiful part about having ADHD is that you get entertainment out of pretty much everything!!  Seriously!  I would get the same enjoyment "people watching" at Wal-Mart that I would get when visiting Niagara Falls.

3 out of 5

Paranorman posters!!

Any Tim Burton-esque looking claymation movie makes me squeel like a pig before entering the slaughter room.  Although Tim Burton isn't behind the camera on this, I'm still going to see it because it speaks to my nerdy-ness inside.

Nightmares In Red White and Blue

No other movie genre in the world is more persecuted or misunderstood than the Horror genre.  Horror films are often blamed for violence in the youth of America, and are often held responsible for everything else that goes wrong (cop-out for either bad friends or bad parenting).  By interviewing some of the biggest names in the genre and scanning their movies, this documentary shows how the Horror film has evolved in America, and how those Horror films are closely tied to all kinds of Terror that befall the country.

The Good:
Some people like the smell of Folders in their cup (Product placement anyone?), some like "the smell of napalm in the morning", and then people (like me) love the smell of zombies enjoying a meal, while ghosts and killers continually terrorify the normal middle-class man trying to live the American dream.  okay, so I don't really smell that in the morning, I mean how would I finish my eggo waffles with the smell of rotting corpses?  It's not that I'm a naturally dark person, unless I'm standing in the dark, in that case you can barely see me, ga-der!  I'm a naturally happy person who has the hyperactivity of a squirrel with rabies, but I'm also a person who loves the unsettling/fearful feeling one gets from Horror films.  But this morbid genre isn't just to scare people, this documentary shows that each Horror film has a message it's trying to get across.  An Example would be the movie "Drag Me To Hell", because beneath the awesome B-Story it gives, it preaches there are bad consequences for bad choices you make.  So because she was selfish and shamed the gypsy, she got a whole butt-load of crohns coming her way.

The Bad:
I thought it was awesome to see how each horror film applied to something people were afraid of historically in their time, and it was very insightful to see how the genre has an ultimately positive effect on people psychologically.  There was a lot of talk on the psychological part of Horror, and personally I thought that was more interesting than the Historical aspect, but that's just me, so they should have included more.

The Ugly:
If you are a person who's skeptical about this morbid genre, or if you're already a fan, then I urge you to see this film.  I've always loved Horror films because they help me to face some of my own fears head-on, so little by little I live a more fearless life like Taylor Swift, but this documentary taught me more about the historical-importance these films hold.  This doesn't mean I'll watch any Horror film coming my way, because there are some films that cross lines that shouldn't be crossed, but the documentary did show me that beneath all the terror is a message that is worth being heard.

4 out of 5

Brave

Awe Scotland... what a dream place this is.  A country where renaissance lovers and transvestites can live together in perfect harmony.  All you need is a bunch of plaid sheets, woven together by a bunch of old people with love, and food made out of sheep's stomach.  This Scottish tale follows the story of princess Merida, who by law, must find a suitable lad from one of the neighboring clans to make her hubby.  Obviously Merida says "screw this" and fights to follow her own path by any means necessary, which has both negative and positive consequences... like eating a piece of pizza that fell on the floor of a soup kitchen.  While Merida's own drama is going on, her whole family is being randomly hunted by a bear the size of a Mormon-owned mini-van, and much like what Scottish men wear under their kilts, it's a huge mystery.

The Good:
In the middle of High School I had the pleasure of going to Scotland, and when I arrived it was to my great happiness that almost EVERYONE was a red-head, and not a soul in sight!  Finally! A country where my skin isn't too white, where I can wear a manly skirt without persecution, and my hair doesn't stick out like a big toe that was once smashed by my older brother in attempt to kill a rat... I digress.  Scotland was a wonderful place for me, and this movie was a reminder of the good times I had.  Even though it's a animated flick, you have to hand it to the people at PIXAR for how beautiful they made it look.  Not only was the hair awesome and red, but the landscapes were breathtaking, and the music topped it off like a bowl of ice-cream after a good meal.  Much like the "Secret World of Arrietty", the story-line here is very simple, and is probably the reason why they didn't explain much in the trailer, because then they would have screwed the movie for everyone else.  the simplicity of the story worked very well, and because it was basic you didn't feel like you HAD to pay attention to what was going on all the time, so people like me can have ADHD moments looking at the landscapes and listening to bagpipe music... like a boss!

The Bad:

I couldn't find anything bad with this movie, except for Princess Merida's AWESOME bad hair day!  My personal opinion is that her hair was awesome to boot, but honestly, hasn't she every heard of Herbal Essences?  Her hair is so out of control that you would think she just broke out of a straight jacket and escaped a loony-bin.  I wonder what haircut she requests from the ladies at great-clips?  "Give me the 'broken down drunk' look, and I want you to emphasize the Broken down part".

The Ugly:
This is a great family film that kids will love because of the "What's under the kilt" humor, and older Scotland-obsessed people like me feel like we're traveling to the country again, minus the agonizing plane ride, and the annoying 3-yr old who keeps kicking me in the back of the head like he's trying to get information... but I'm not bitter.  This is a very beautiful movie that hits home on everything PIXAR stands for.

5 out of 5

Snow White and The Huntsman

Why is Snow White the most famous princess/fairy tale all the sudden?!  Out of the blue this babe of a princess has been sucking in the box office spotlight with the comedy "Mirror Mirror", then with this Thor infested work of art.  One thing for sure about the Snow White craze is apple sales have surely spiked about 80%, Chris Hemsworth's testosterone filled action profile has increased, and Kristin stewert is finally given a role where she doesn't bite her lip 24/7.  The story begins as the classical Snow White story with the jealous/psychopathic stepmom wanting to kill Snow White because she sucks up all the glory, but before it could happen she escapes and runs like a gazell to the Dark Forrest where it's obvious Tim Burton wiped his butt everywhere.  the Queen then sends the God of Thunder to do her dirty work and bring Snow White back, and this is where I stop because I don't want to give away the predictable story of betrayal, love, and apples that are eaten way past their expiration date.

The Good:
Driving down the Highway once I saw a Hooters billboard that said "Set your standards low, then you'll be pleasantly supprised about everything coming your way". This is one of those flicks that I went into not caring if it sucks or not, because even if it's utter crap i'm still going to enjoy it because it looks cool, and the visual effects make me want to stuff my face with popcorn.  To my supprise I not only tolerated the movie, but I very much enjoyed it... thanks for the advice Hooters!  Kristen Stewart still has a long way to go with her acting, but all in all her acting wasn't bad, and a part of me even forgot that she was Bella from Twilight in the first place.  One thing I knew was going to be awesome was Chris Hemsworth, and I was right, he delivered the action goods, the manly british accent, and the massive muscles.  He is definitly one of those people I wouldn't mind reenacting the volly-ball scene from Top Gun with.  Other than Chris the movie just looked cool, and if you're a Horror fan like me, then you'll love the horrific images that you'll be bombarded with in the black Forrest.

The Bad:
Ya know when you see certain child actors think they're holding the world by the belly-button, and that they're God's gift to mankind?  These people include Hillary Duff, Lindsey Lohan, and other Disney stars who not only think they can act, but that they can also sing, design clothing, run a successful animal slaughtering cult, etc...   Kristen Stewart should try to avoid becoming one of these people by sticking to roles we know she can handle without looking embarrassing, at least for a little while.  I bring this up because it was only a short while since the Twilight movies were finished (except the last one), and when it comes to her being in super serious movies where she has to give a "Braveheart" type speech, I don't think I can take it seriously.  There was one part of the film when she rally's up an army, and when I saw that my wife and I said, "Great, the angsty teen from Forks is trying to prep a bunch of body-builders for war."  Like I mentioned earlier her acting surprisingly wasn't bad, but she should avoid those academy award winning speeches for a bit.

The Ugly:
I knew this wasn't going to be the greatest movie of all time way before I saw it, and to be frank it's sometimes as silly as the whale from "Free Willie" jumping over that kid; we all know his lardy butt would have squashed that child in an instant.  Sometimes those silly (wannabe) epic movies are the funner ones to watch, much like "Ghost Rider" and this one, so all in all I thought this movie was a very pleasant theater experience, where I could eat my popcorn like Cookie Monster eats his cookies.

3 out of 5

We Need To Talk About Kevin

Born from the butt-crack of Hell, Kevin is the sadistic child who was EMO before it became a trendy behavior.  When Kevin was born, he was one of those babies who cried all the time, and i'm not talking about the typical baby who cries nonstop in a cute way, Kevin literally cried ALL THE TIME.  Since birth Kevin has been consistently making life horrible for his mother, who despite her sons actions, tries her hardest to love him.  Kevin would even go so far as to refuse using the toilet until he was seven years old so his mother can continually change him, and once the diaper was changed he would soil himself immediately just to spite her.  As Kevin grew older his evil actions got even worse, and the climax at the end is almost too shocking for words.

The Good:
Before I even saw this film I kept on reading the rave reviews it had received, especially about the acting of Tilda Swinton, who plays the depressed mom.  There were so many rave reviews about her that I was about to go insane and start chewing on the walls, but after I beheld her acting I became a believer, just like the Monkee's song.  Her acting is SOO good in this movie that you can't help being depressed with her throughout the film, and you're cheering her on when she disciplines her son.  As far as Horror goes, It's not a supernatural Horror film about a demonic child like "Omen", but it's supposed to be based in real life, which makes this film creepier.

The Bad:

Remember when I said that you suffer with Tilda Swinton throughout the movie while she's raising her son?  Well i'm not exaggerating that.  There is an example of one scene where the baby literally cries for about 6-7 minutes on screen, and while he's crying you see the mothers face go through different phases of agony.  I understand why that scene was put in there, but I spent more time being annoyed as opposed to being empathetic.  Another thing you have to realize about this film is that it's a mystery that keeps you guessing what horrible act Kevin committed in the end, and because it's a mystery you know there will be plenty of flashbacks and flash-forwards throughout the family's life; if it wasn't for the changing lengths in Tilda Swinton's hair then I wouldn't know what the crap was going on.  There were so many flashbacks I thought I was going to have one of those Anime induced seizures.

The Ugly:
This film deserved all the rave reviews it received, because it's a first class thriller with a creepy story and outstanding acting from everyone.  There were parts that I thought were annoying, even though they were put there so you can feel what it's like to be in the mother's shoes, like the crying baby scene, but all in all it was a good film.  To be honest I don't know why she didn't just put the baby in front of a TV with Wiggles on, because I hear that is about as effective when it comes to sedating babies as being injected with a tranquilizer that can bring down a bull-Elephant.

3 out of 5