The Lorax

I don't know what it is about hippie movies with hippie motivations that I find so annoying.  Could it be the dread-locks, the lack of bathing, the constant need to make every part of their lives a statement, or the odd obligation to swear off meat forever?  Whatever it is that they're smoking, I don't want any part of it. I am the kind of person that may (or may not) go out and plant a tree, come home to a nice shower, and then eat a nice ham instead, which is the product of a pig unwillingly sacrificing himself to the slaughter house for my benefit.  It's not that I hate hippies, it's just I find them as annoying as that awkward cousin who massages your shoulders with sexual energy every two minutes.  Now, in this literal tree-huger of a movie, we see a young Zac Efron who, in order to get into the long line of men to woo Taylor Swift, goes outside the city limits to fetch her a tree.  While on his search for the tree he happens upon a man who was close friendship with the Lorax, a magical creature who speaks on behalf of the trees, because the trees are too stupid for their own good; they usually just stand there and get chopped down like a nerd's esteem in middle school.  With the help of both the mysterious man and the Lorax, Zac Efron will not only embark on an adventure to find trees, and win Taylor Swift's affection, but maybe she'll eventually write a song about him as well.

The Good:
Even though the trees looked about as fake as Michael Jackson's nose, the whole movie was a visual feast!  Everywhere you looked there was an abundance of colors and great artistic ability bombarding the eyes.  As for the story, its been just a tiny while of around 15 years since I've read the Dr. Seuss classic, but from what I can remember the book wasn't that long, and the story was very A to B.  This is something the movie did well, much like how the Where the Wild Things Are filmmakers took the small book and expanded the story, the makers of the Lorax expanded and changed up the story a bit, while still keeping to the original spirit of the book.  Lorax was also quite funny, and as opposed to being a full blown educational video that forces you to learn like the School House Rock cartoons, this is an extremely witty/funny flick that just so happens to have words of wisdom regarding the environment.

The Bad:

My wife pointed out to me when the credits started rolling, that although Zac Efron and Taylor Swift were two of the main characters in the film, it seemed a little ironic that neither one of the sang!  What the Deuce?! How much sense does that make?!  I seem to remember noticing that every one of the characters had some sort of song, and even the magical-midget Lorax belted a rhyme here and there, but when it comes to the two actors who have something to do with singing, neither of them do.  But it's like I said, I didn't realize that they didn't sing in the entire movie until the credits started rolling, but now that I think about it, it makes me question everything.

The Ugly:
The Lorax is a wonderful family film, with very catchy music that won't leave your mind until the next day, and doesn't hold a knife to your throat, demanding that one day you become a hippie that can never be happy about anything in the world.  So if you're a fan of little furry mythical creatures, and you haven't had that thirst quenched since Labyrinth, then I highly recommend this surprisingly pleasant movie.

(4 out of 5)

Holiday Movie Highlights

Holy Crap!! How much food have I eaten throughout this holiday season?!  I feel like if someone was to flick my belly then a ripple of my fat would flow around my entire body, much like the wave destroying New York City in Deep Impact.  Other than the abundance of deliciously unhealthy food, the holiday season is the time for MOVIES!!  Now as much as I would like to write extensively about each film, tis impossible because during the winter my hands crack and bleed like i'm a seasonal zombie.  So, for this post I will be writing mini-reviews of the movies that I think are worth my ghetto hands bleeding over.  The order these movies are put in is not a BEST-WORST list, but are more or less the movies I can remember at the moment.

REC 3: Genesis

I care about found footage horror movies about as much as I care about the two possums that I ran over in 2006.  To me found footage films have a tendency to be sloppy in general because to me it shows a lack of creativity, not that it has always been like this, because Blair Witch Project was phenomenal and I myself was a fan of the Last Exorcism, but lately we've been graced with the crap known as the Paranormal Activity Series, The Amityville Haunting, and the barf-inducing movie known as Cloverfield.  Half of this movie is found footage, while the other half is a legitimate film, so REC 3 breaks off from the prequels in that way, and also it's silly!  The previous REC films were focused on being realistic and gritty, but finally someone stood up and said "We want a gory zombie flick to take place at a wedding, so we can all behold our fantasy of seeing a hot-bride-of-a-babe turn into a bad-A with a chainsaw, cutting down zombies like they're celebrities at a comedy central roast!" (4 1/2 out of 5)

Les Miserables 

I am not ashamed to say that I weeped like a sissy during this movie.  Every now an again I like to enjoy some entertainment that proves beneath all the pectorals and muscular-manly structure that is my body, there is a soft-hearted Andrew that has a romantic view of the world, and every once in a while he likes to make himself known by crying.  Now unlike many people, I myself have seen the stage-play and I thought it was magnificent, it was definitely an experience I will never forget, but I thought the movie was amazing as well!  Something I thought the movie did better than the stage-play was that during all the emotional songs I was able to see close-ups of the singers faces, making it so I could not only see their pimples, but when they started crying I let down all my defenses and allow that sissy version of Andrew to show himself!  I thought all the actors did a good job, especially Anne Hathaway for making me ball so much, and Russell Crowe.  I've heard a lot of people wine about how Russell was the only bad part of the movie... HE WAS GOOD, YA BUTTS!  first of all he was the only part of the cast that hasn't really ever sung in a film or on stage before, so for being his first time I thought he did a bang up job.  (5 out of 5)

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 

Having read a majority of Tolkein's books, I knew that this was going to be a less serious and more light-hearted version of the Lord of the Rings story, so I didn't automatically dismiss it as childish crap like some Hard-Core Lord of the Rings fans did in the theater.  I loved this film, and although it may not be on the same level as Return of the King, by itself it's a wonderful fantasy movie that served as a heavy dose of Nostalgia for me, as I remember going to see the Lord of the Rings each year with my family at Christmas.  It makes me so happy to see that Peter Jackson is bringing back Middle Earth to the big screen, because now I get to see my favorite midget people who hit puberty at an incredible rate in the foot area, I get to see Gandalf swinging his staff around, and I get to see Orcs with uncontrollable acne issues similar to Jessica Simpson before she became the proactive spokes person.  (5 out of 5)

Suspiria

This isn't exactly a NEW movie that came out this holiday season, but instead it was the next movie I sought to tackle on "The Top 80 Horror Films" list on Bloodydisgusting.com.  Directed by Italian Horror master Dario Argento, this is the first of his "Three Mothers" trilogy that focuses on a girl joining a dance company in Europe, only to find that not only does her teacher look like a bonified man with breasts, but the entire building is tormented by an ancient witch, killing each of the girls one by one.  Now the one disappointment I had was that it wasn't has gory as I would've liked, which left me feeling betrayed because the trailer professed it to be one of the goriest movies ever made!  Something Suspiria does well is creating a creepy atmosphere, and so Dario Argento owes everything to the music (which he helped compose), because it was the music that made the movie as delicious as my Mamma's pumpkin pie. (3 out of 5)

Rock of Ages

I myself am a man who loves smoked oysters, smelling a newly open can of tennis balls, and Heavy Metal music, so this movie struck some-what of a lovely cord with me.  As for the story, it's about as lovely as anything that gets dropped into the toilet, because its uninspired, unoriginal, and it makes me want to squirt Tabasco sauce in my eyes.  What I thought the movie (or musical, if you're a nerd and you went to see the stage version) did well, is how it integrated the classic metal songs into the sloppy story, because even though the story makes you want to step on a Lego in the dark, there are some moments were songs are combined to form something awesome!  A good example of what i'm talking about is the scene where the religious women are arguing with the metal-heads, and of course their argument is in the form of the two songs "We're not going to take it", and "We built this city on Rock and Roll" being combined together. (2 1/2 out of 5)