Paranorman

It's a hard knock life for a loser elementary school kid, as he goes to class and continually gets beat up by zit-infested bullies.  As if getting pushed around by a bully who looks more like Sloth from the Goonies wasn't enough, Norman has the same gift Jennifer Love Hewitt has, which is the ability to see the dead!  According to the TV show Supernatural, this would be the coolest gift to have, but the problem is it brings his self-esteem down to the same level as the little girl in the parade from Princes Diaries 2, the one with the messed up grill.  When a centuries-old curse turns the town into a Zombie horror-fest, it is up to Norman to gird his loins, strengthen his nerd, and save the day!

The Good:
When the movie Coraline came out I knew that I found my one true love (other than my wife), so when I found out they were making another movie my bowls leaped for joy, and then I had to run to the bathroom because your bowls leaping in public indicates something else.  The animation is beautiful, the story is simple, the characters are sweet, and best of all it shows everyone that it's OK to like scary movies.  Now i'm not saying that the movie says it's OK to let your children experience Human Centipede 2 (which for the record it should not be seen by any man), but it's saying that children experiencing scary films helps them to discern between good and evil at an early age, and if you don't believe me take a look at Disney films, that crap is straight trippin!  Finally the think I liked the best about this film are all the shout outs to some of the classic Horror movies, such as: Night of the Living Dead, Halloween, and almost every other supernatural film out there.  When I saw some of these shout outs, my bowls began to leap again... and you know what happened next.

The Bad:
I thought this movie was fun, and even my wife dropped her Harry Potter stories to pay attention, but if i'm to find anything wrong with it, then I would have to make a comparison with Coraline.  What I liked about Coraline is it had B-E-A-Utiful music that makes me feel like a "straight" fairy, and I can listen to it all day.  With Paranorman I don't get that, instead I get the "I'm a bad-A mother Beep!" feeling, which isn't bad, it's just that I don't feel pretty at the end.  Other than that, this movie is the perfect Horror film that kids can enjoy.

The Ugly:
Besides the Bully's zitty face, this movie is very pleasant to watch, almost as pleasant as looking at a Country Home Living magazine during a restroom break.  Not only is it very good for kids, but adults are going to love the animation, the amount of scares, and all the references to other Horror films.  Now Have at this gem!!

4 1/2 out of 5

The Apparition

As one with ADHD whose mind races about 1000 miles per hour, I often contemplate about what scenarios would be the worst to die in.  Some say drowning, some say being burned alive like one of chef Ramsey’s Chef’s in “Hell’s Kitchen”, or being stuck listening to the “Titanic” theme being sung in Chinese on a cable car filled with douche bags in San Francisco.  Needless to say that I prayed for any one of these scenarios to happen, just as long as I don’t have to sit through this uninspired crap of a flick.  It follows the story of a young hot couple who settle into a very big house in the suburbs, and seem to have enough money where they can buy practically anything at Cosco, despite the fact that he repairs TV’s for “Best Buy” and she is an amateur vet who just sticks thermometers up dog’s butts.  So unless they won the lottery, or they’re selling their bodies on the street corner after 12am, then I have no idea how they’re getting all the money.  Their confusingly perfect lives become troubled as they are haunted by the not-“the Grudge”-ghost, and it slowly consumes their lives so that it may be able to live.  None of this would have happened if the TV fixing boyfriend didn't try to be a ghost hunter with Tom Felton (my wife’s future lover), because it was them meddling around that unleashed the ghost in the first place.  What will happen to them? Will they lose their Cosco membership? Will they’re suburbs life be ruined forever?  You’ll find out if you stay awake till the end.

The Good:                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Seeing them shop compulsively at Cosco with very little money made me happy, because for a short while I felt that I can lower my expectations about my life, and yet still buy a bunch of pointless crap.  Of course that dream ended when I realized how fake this movie really is, but still, I was happy to see that Cosco has many different deals with regards to their outdoors section, and their kitchen utilities section;  all of you shoppers need to have at these amazing deals!

The Bad:

I liken this movie unto Hitler’s mustache, it’s awkward, it scares the women off, and it just doesn't make sense.  There were even parts of this movie that almost made me cry, because the entire two hours I kept thinking to myself “I just spent $20 on this piece of poo, and I didn't even get any popcorn.  Why does my head hurt?  I should probably get my homework done… etc”.  the worse part about it was that just a few theater rooms down there was a sold out showing of “the Possession”, which for the record I would rather have seen, but my wife’s love for Tom Felton conquers all. 

The Ugly:

Don’t see this movie.  As a Horror fan I’m usually impressed by any kind of Horror movie, and I’m really good at finding something to like out of even the crappiest film, but this movie has proved me wrong.  After crying on the way home because of wasting $20, one of the two nightmares I had that night was of me going to see this movie one more time, the other nightmare was about me wetting the bed. 

0 out of 5